Is following goodbye threads live devastating for anyone else?

[ForestGhost]

For the first time over the past few days, I followed a few different goodbye threads as they unfolded. These were posted by users whom I didn't personally know but some of whom I might have seen or briefly interacted with before. Even though they all went peacefully, seeing them post about finally "pulling the trigger" turned me into a sobbing mess every time.

To be clear, I am completely pro-choice and understand at a cerebral level and that they are bringing an end to their suffering. But actually witnessing someone narrating their final thoughts and actions culminating in their departure from this world seems to trigger a violent emotional response in me. Maybe it is a sort of "empathy instinct" counterpart to our own "survival instinct" that makes us feel sympathetic pain when someone is passing, even if we know logically that this is what they want? Or maybe I am just terribly soft?

I am genuinely curious how other members here feel about this, so please share your thoughts if you'd like to.

 

[gizzreid]

i feel the same way. in a way i feel guilt for even posting here

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I think we all process this level of stuff differently, don't beat yourself up for feeling one way or another. As long as you aren't trying to derail their goodbye thread with these fears (not assuming you are, just saying), I think however someone feels is valid and allowed.

 

[Esedia]

I just joined, but I've been doing the same for a month or two. It's upsetting and makes my anxiety sky-rocket. I always turn off my phone with my heart racing because it's tough to read. Try to give yourself space, and remember to take them with a grain of salt too. Make sure you're not spending all day dwelling on those threads; it really puts you in a fucked up headspace.

 

[willitpass]

I've been around here for quite some time and I learned that I couldn't read goodbye threads very quickly. It's been three years since I looked at or engaged with a goodbye thread. While I am glad that they have found peace (hopefully, there's rarely confirmation) it doesn't change the human emotions behind it. Even if they were suffering, they still lived. They had at least one person who cared about them even a little bit, and more often than not they had several people who really cared about them, whether they knew it or not. They had likes and dislikes and redeeming personality traits and interests. And to read all of that coming to an end is too much. So I intentionally avoid it. Especially when it goes wrong or things were more painful than anticipated, I just can't sit there and watch it. Even if it's an old thread from months or years ago. I just can't. If it's too much for you don't ever feel bad for stepping back and choosing to not look at them. We're all struggling here, if that worsens your struggle to a point of detriment it's okay to not do it.

 

[tunnelV]

When I read most of the posts here. I feel like all of the people here are really cool likable and honest. I never feel like that on regular forums. In my mind it should be reversed all of the cool people here should live and the "regular" people should be removed from earth. I'm convinced that regular people are pathological liars and people interacting with them causes more harm then good.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Yes, I've had that for several goodbye threads, especially at the beginning of joining this website. Even today I cried when reading and replying to someone's goodbye thread, even though they weren't going to do it today.

I think it's healthy and normal to have a strong emotional reaction to these threads, it's proof that we feel empathy and care about others even if we don't know them that well or at all. We care about that person's livelihood and culturally we know that death is sad and we don't know what's beyond.

Sometimes I try to not engage with those threads but it's not all the time that I can do it. I think half of the time I choose to read and/or interact with the thread because I feel bad ignoring a person's final moments. I prefer to feel sadness than ignore that person, it depends on my mood on the day and some other random things.

Ideally I'd prefer to "save" people, prevent them from dying, if that would result in meaningful changes to their lives that made their lives worth living. Some threads are revolting because you can clearly see the person was given a bad set of cards to begin with or because they were extremely unlucky or even though they tried their best things didn't go well. It revolts me a lot, I hate unfairness and I hate the thought of innocent people suffering and me not being able to do anything.

If all that was left of humanity was this sort of empathy, I think we would be in a much better place. I know it hurts, but I truly think that strong emotional reaction is proof that we've have some inherent care and love for others and that is quite profound.

 

[MourningDove]

For the first time over the past few days, I followed a few different goodbye threads as they unfolded. These were posted by users whom I didn't personally know but some of whom I might have seen or briefly interacted with before. Even though they all went peacefully, seeing them post about finally "pulling the trigger" turned me into a sobbing mess every time.

To be clear, I am completely pro-choice and understand at a cerebral level and that they are bringing an end to their suffering, as we all want in one way or another. But actually witnessing someone narrating their final thoughts and actions culminating in their departure from this world seems to trigger a violent emotional response in me. Maybe it is a sort of "empathy instinct" counterpart to our own "survival instinct" that makes us feel sympathetic pain when someone is passing, even if we know logically that this is what they want? Or maybe I am just terribly soft?

I am genuinely curious how other members here feel about this, so please share your thoughts if you'd like to.

ive had this same issue, i dont think its something i could ever deal with, and i feel like the more of them you see, the worse it gets

 

[damienlerone03]

i have made so many friends on here and they have ctbed. In the beginning i was a sobbing mess 24/7 too but now even if a good friend of mine on here would die I wouldn't be as sad anymore. I think my brain has literally made me numb to death as a coping mechanism to handle the grief. I still keep a list of my friends who killed themselves and that list is growing at a substantial rate in a short amount of time. But i no longer shed tears or anything anymore, don't think that's normal or if i've genuinely lost empathy or humanity or what.

 

[Plato'sCaveDweller]

For me, I'm only devastated if it goes wrong (either more suffering than expected, they are found early and forced into a psych ward, or the method itself fails in some way) and the user is not happy about it. But if they succeed, I am happy for them. Just today, shadow999 took their SN and it was probably one of the more peaceful SN experiences I've ever seen (according to their reports while it was happening). It honestly brought a smile to my face that they not only had a self-proclaimed peaceful exit but that they were getting exactly what they wanted - peace. I also sometimes feel devastated if a user's backstory is particularly heartbreaking, but that only makes me cheer them on (in my head, of course) even moreso, and truly hope they get what they are seeking.

But as opheliaoveragain said here, we all process it differently. We also all have our own worldviews and philosophies, so someone like me seeing one's exit as a positive may be a negative for someone else. It's subjective.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

I've been around here for quite some time and I learned that I couldn't read goodbye threads very quickly. It's been three years since I looked at or engaged with a goodbye thread. While I am glad that they have found peace (hopefully, there's rarely confirmation) it doesn't change the human emotions behind it. Even if they were suffering, they still lived. They had at least one person who cared about them even a little bit, and more often than not they had several people who really cared about them, whether they knew it or not. They had likes and dislikes and redeeming personality traits and interests. And to read all of that coming to an end is too much. So I intentionally avoid it. Especially when it goes wrong or things were more painful than anticipated, I just can't sit there and watch it. Even if it's an old thread from months or years ago. I just can't. If it's too much for you don't ever feel bad for stepping back and choosing to not look at them. We're all struggling here, if that worsens your struggle to a point of detriment it's okay to not do it.

I really am going to miss your responses.<3

For me, I'm only devastated if it goes wrong (either more suffering than expected, they are found early and forced into a psych ward, or the method itself fails in some way) and the user is not happy about it. But if they succeed, I am happy for them. Just today, shadow999 took their SN and it was probably one of the more peaceful SN experiences I've ever seen (according to their reports while it was happening). It honestly brought a smile to my face that they not only had a self-proclaimed peaceful exit but that they were getting exactly what they wanted - peace. I also sometimes feel devastated if a user's backstory is particularly heartbreaking, but that only makes me cheer them on (in my head, of course) even moreso, and truly hope they get what they are seeking.

But as opheliaoveragain said here, we all process it differently. We also all have our own worldviews and philosophies, so someone like me seeing one's exit as a positive may be a negative for someone else. It's subjective.

You def put it perfectly. I truly only feel awful when someone fails etc and that goes against their wishes.

 

[nir]

It always makes me sad to read them, especially live. It is nice to know that even if they are physically alone in their final moments, they at least have us.

It also feels... illegal? I know it's not. But sometimes being on this website feels like someone's gonna come knocking at my door to tell me off. It's only worse when there's someone narrating their death. Just the anxiety that this is a moral test that I'm failing or something. But it's not a test, it's the imperfect reality of life. And I'm glad we can be there for people who need it.

 

[divinemistress36]

Yes it makes me sad especially hearing the distress they are feeling when taking SN. I'm happy for them they arent suffering anymore though

 

[sevennn]

i like to keep them in my thoughts

 

[dela]

I think it's natural to feel that way, even if you are pro-choice or suicidal yourself. Talking about suicide and actually witnessing it unroll on a thread are two very different things. I definitely felt devastated by some goodbye threads here, even though I was glad that the authors had finally found peace. I guess survival instinct is just wired into our brains. As Camus puts it, "In a man's attachment to life there is something stronger than all the ills in the world. The body's judgment is as good as the mind's, and the body shrinks from annihilation. We get into the habit of living before acquiring the habit of thinking."

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Yes. I have to stay away from them because I cannot handle it.

 

[rollingthunder]

I think it's natural to feel that way, but definitely don't feel bad if you feel like it's too much for you to follow goodbye threads. When I read them, I also cry pretty hard. I think a big part of why it makes me feel so emotional is that I empathize with the amount of pain they must've felt to come to this decision. I know people feel that pain before they CTB, but looking at goodbye threads just makes it hit home, how painful their lives must have been. How tragic it is that this person could not have had different circumstances, to be able to live their life. How unfair it is that people are driven to these measures.

 

[athiestjoe]

Not sure what it says about me but part of me is extremely jealous that people are getting the peace & serenity that I want. I find it comforting to know their pain and suffering is coming to and end, and although I will miss people's posts I find solace in knowing they have made their own right and decision to end it. I feel bad though reading about peoples' anxiety or stress in their final moments and wish it was more peaceful mentally for them than having anxiety although not all goodbye posts indicate any stress in their final moments too. I dunno if that makes any sense.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

My feelings about goodbye threads are evolving. When I first joined I only had past ones to read. Now that I've been here for a little bit I've read some in-process or very soon after. At first I felt like if it wasn't a poster I was familiar with, what right do I have to bid them farewell? How could that even be sincere? And I've also had thoughts of am I part of some macabre gallery of cheering onlookers?

I usually go back into the persons post history to learn about them. After shadow999 and 2ndme I've pondered some more. A person has chosen to trust us anonymous strangers with their most vulnerable feelings and last moments of life. For the most part the community and mods have been very loving and supportive of people's final decision and demonstrated willingness to bear witness to their process which is quite scary for both them and us. This honor is not even given to their closest friends and family.

With the SN method specifically, there's a narrative and can be viewed as a journal. What brought them here?, Early life experiences, their questions on methods, the issues around sourcing the SN and helper meds, getting a place and time, the home stretch of fasting and pre-meds, last minute SI and then down the hatch followed by reporting of the taste, initial effects, feeing woozy, then their txt starts being garbled and it looks like it's the final moments of consciousness. People rush to get a last goodbye in, a few hours pass since their last update and it's assumed they were successful.

We are custodians of their real feelings and real experiences that would never be expressed in a eulogy. They have left us with their truth and it's beautiful that they could leave this world knowing some people cared enough to know this part of them.

 

[heliophobic]

Yes. I have to avoid them now.

 

[Lady Laudanum]

I generally don't interact with goodbye threads. I'm trying to recover at the moment and it's my own responsibility to understand what I find triggering and avoid that type of content.

 

[Emeralds]

I can't read them. They are too sad. Plus I I feel like I'm intruding somehow. I can't even read old goodbye threads even though I know that they are already gone.