Discussion Is it a bigger kindness to break up before ctb'ing

[Abbadab]

I'm going to order SN. It'll probably be a few weeks before I'm in the process of ctb'ing.

My partner and I still have a good rapport, but we've discovered some incompatibilities that I think are too fundamental to shake. He knows I've been mulling this over. I have been since before my suicidality became more intense again.

Early on I told him that I have severe mental illness and that I've been suicidal most of my life. I also told him that most people can't tell when I'm doing badly, and more recently I explicitly mentioned that I'm unwell. I still think the whole thing will be a shock to him because I probably just look like my regular old self.

We've been together for almost a year. I feel even worse about it all because it's almost the holidays. How would you guys go about this?

 

[fruitcup333]

for me personally i'm going through the same dilemma but i've decided not to break up with my partner because i feel like dealing with the breakup and my loss would be too much bad events for them to handle.

 

[Cress]

I'm going to order SN. It'll probably be a few weeks before I'm in the process of ctb'ing.

My partner and I still have a good rapport, but we've discovered some incompatibilities that I think are too fundamental to shake. He knows I've been mulling this over. I have been since before my suicidality became more intense again.

Early on I told him that I have severe mental illness and that I've been suicidal most of my life. I also told him that most people can't tell when I'm doing badly, and more recently I explicitly mentioned that I'm unwell. I still think the whole thing will be a shock to him because I probably just look like my regular old self.

We've been together for almost a year. I feel even worse about it all because it's almost the holidays. How would you guys go about this?

It's better not to say anything or damage the relationship. The breakup and the suicide will be painful. It's just doubling up on the suffering unnecessarily. Plus You might always change your mind.

Giving any hints or telling people that I'm going to be leaving soon seems to be more excruciating for them then if I just randomly leave when I'm ready.

 

[StaticCryBabye]

Personally, I think I'd rather stay until the very end because if I'm going to ctb in the end anyway, breaking up would feel pointless. It would just add more heartbreak to what he's already going to deal with. Though this is just my opinion. The choice of whether to break up with him or not is entirely yours to make and no one else's. Good luck, and I hope you're doing fine.

 

[Abbadab]

It's better not to say anything or damage the relationship. The breakup and the suicide will be painful. It's just doubling up on the suffering unnecessarily. Plus You might always change your mind.

Giving any hints or telling people that I'm going to be leaving soon seems to be more excruciating for them then if I just randomly leave when I'm ready.

Part of me wonders if he'll just never find out if I break up a while ahead of time. We luckily don't have intermixed friendship groups

 

[Cress]

Part of me wonders if he'll just never find out if I break up a while ahead of time. We luckily don't have intermixed friendship groups

I think the main thing that people are deprived of if they find out late is going to the funeral which might be helpful for the healing process for certain people.

 

[Sutter]

Consider.

Well from the other side as a male I could throw a thought out.

Would probably be best to prepare to leave, bank accounts, living arrangements, or what have you. Once that is done/begun if needed, talk to them directly. Do not mince words, state you love/care for them but you cannot stay. There is nothing that is going to change your mind, leave them a bit of time to digest that. Return and state it again.

This may not be easy and it may be hard for your partner to take, lord knows it was beyond measure for me to quietly cry that reality in to my own soul. There is no saving grace to waiting for a holiday, whats done is done. If you have already realized this yourself it is time to let your partner know so they can embark on their own train of sorrow.

If however, you feel your partner is…unstable or unable to utilize wisdom of age to deal with the fleeting loss of love. You may want to have some sort of support with you, at a distance, to ensure there is no erratic behavior. Like a violent boyfriend.

There is no harm in expressing care for a soul you once loved. Yes, there could be confusion between the words and caring but would be worth it in my view.

Ive heard it mentioned there are pinnacle moments for most in life that can be a pit of darkest downward flowing tar, or a leap of sheer desperation to find another handhold. This could very well be such a moment for your partner, your life is dark enough and struggle enough without anothers burdens sucking the air on your next step. A little care may go a long way.

Consider that you have a hard truth to deliver to what could be a soft soul. If a final day is coming, dont cage anothers heart walk a bit further and offer a wave as you pass over the hill.