Is it bad to ctb if you are the carer for an elderly sick parent?

[Groundhog_Day]

I've just ordered the charcoal and chimney starters, for my carbon monoxide tent plan. My worry is I won't be able to overcome SI, and the guilt of leaving my responsibility of caring for my mum.

My mum has kidney disease, and has broken a very small bone in her back. Therefore, I do the housework etc. My sister also lives with us, but she has some kind of narcissistic personality disorder, and my mum is terrified of being left with her. But I'm pretty sure that my older brother would step in, and make sure care is sorted out for my mum.

I have Marfan syndrome with leaky mechanical heart valves. I also have avoidant personality disorder, social anxiety and panic disorder. With being the full time carer and doing the housework, I've developed reactivated Epstein barr virus, with a constant red throat and fatigue. My sister says me and my mum are 'lumps of flesh and sodding laziness' and there is 'no point to me and I should top myself now'.

I did always plan to wait until my mum died, but I'm just feeling completely burnt out, and just want to rest now.

Am I being a jerk to my mum? Is anyone else in a similar situation, with someone depending on them?

 

[TessaMocha]

The problem is, no matter what you do, it's always gonna be "selfish," it's a huge stigma surrounding suicide and really sucks. There's never gonna be a good time for anything, but you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I was born to parents in their mid 30s who tried for children after their first miscarriage. The thing is this may be sweet from the outside, but in reality, my parents only married under the guise of tradition and religion and were not good parents, and once they had twin daughters, they weren't good parents and expected my value to be loyal to them because of my culture's belief that I should obey my parents and take care of them until old age, and they are now in their 60s, my mom had cataracts two years ago today, and she abused me badly and put me through a lot of emotional harm that I didn't care, but I did support them the best I could until they stole from me and had lots of expectations on me even after they ignored my cries for help. I'm saying this isn't a wrong narrative to be loving and appreciative of your parent even if it comes with a cost, but the point is, it can be very toxic especially when you are your own person. The fact is you weren't made to be born to take care of your parents or to give them your full time and attention despite having you. It makes you feel like more of a burden because you have to do way more despite being born with a life of your own like them. You aren't selfish alone but they, too, who pushes that on you and expect you to oblige to their judgements on you.

 

[Groundhog_Day]

I was born to parents in their mid 30s who tried for children after their first miscarriage. The thing is this may be sweet from the outside, but in reality, my parents only married under the guise of tradition and religion and were not good parents, and once they had twin daughters, they weren't good parents and expected my value to be loyal to them because of my culture's belief that I should obey my parents and take care of them until old age, and they are now in their 60s, my mom had cataracts two years ago today, and she abused me badly and put me through a lot of emotional harm that I didn't care, but I did support them the best I could until they stole from me and had lots of expectations on me even after they ignored my cries for help. I'm saying this isn't a wrong narrative to be loving and appreciative of your parent even if it comes with a cost, but the point is, it can be very toxic especially when you are your own person. The fact is you weren't made to be born to take care of your parents or to give them your full time and attention despite having you. It makes you feel like more of a burden because you have to do way more despite being born with a life of your own like them. You aren't selfish alone but they, too, who pushes that on you and expect you to oblige to their judgements on you.

I'm really sorry that your parents treated you like that. If my mum had been bad to me, I don't think I would feel too much guilt. The problem is my mum has always tried her best. She has avpd, and is a gentle person. She's terrified of being left with my sister. But, I'm just so physically and mentally burnt out, I don't think I can keep going. She could live on for another few years.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I'm really sorry that your parents treated you like that. If my mum had been bad to me, I don't think I would feel too much guilt. The problem is my mum has always tried her best. She has avpd, and is a gentle person. She's terrified of being left with my sister. But, I'm just so physically and mentally burnt out, I don't think I can keep going. She could live on for another few years.

Please do not worry about it ((:
And, Groundhog, your feelings are valid, and you know what, I had heard a story of my friend who brother in law had that fear with their own mom because of their sister's concern for where they'd place her mother-in-law, and she told me it was a battle but they opt into finding her a home she would feel safe in, and your mom deserves the best to equally know she'll be nurtured after you are left (of course don't tell her), but in any case relating to this, surprise her with a vacation away from your sister, but don't let her in on the fact you're tired. Ask her if she is interested in this home, but at the same time let her know your house can't support you anymore, and sadly, for any reason, you have to lie further if you are lying further into this with her not being aware you are mentally tired of living, and the worse part is people don't know it, but it hurts those who are around who have to suffer living in a corpse they didn't want to be in. That's my take on this.

Please know I am in full support of your choices, and know you are in a safe place if your CTB is active, and forgive me if I am not the best at speaking. (':

 

[Groundhog_Day]

Please do not worry about it ((:
And, Groundhog, your feelings are valid, and you know what, I had heard a story of my friend who brother in law had that fear with their own mom because of their sister's concern for where they'd place her mother-in-law, and she told me it was a battle but they opt into finding her a home she would feel safe in, and your mom deserves the best to equally know she'll be nurtured after you are left (of course don't tell her), but in any case relating to this, surprise her with a vacation away from your sister, but don't let her in on the fact you're tired. Ask her if she is interested in this home, but at the same time let her know your house can't support you anymore, and sadly, for any reason, you have to lie further if you are lying further into this with her not being aware you are mentally tired of living, and the worse part is people don't know it, but it hurts those who are around who have to suffer living in a corpse they didn't want to be in. That's my take on this.

Please know I am in full support of your choices, and know you are in a safe place if your CTB is active, and forgive me if I am not the best at speaking. (':

Thank you for your help. I have been telling my mum I don't think I can cope much longer, and I just want to get out of here. I know it's bad, but I didn't want it to come as a complete shock to her. She said I can't do that, as she doesn't want to be left alone with my sister, but I'm certain that my brother would help her and it will be ok.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

Thank you for your help. I have been telling my mum I don't think I can cope much longer, and I just want to get out of here. I know it's bad, but I didn't want it to come as a complete shock to her. She said I can't do that, as she doesn't want to be left alone with my sister, but I'm certain that my brother would help her and it will be ok.

Ah, it's good you feel supported to share such feelings with your mom. That's a great feeling to have. Forgive me for saying to lie to her if that's not what you wanted to hear. And in any case, your brother should take responsibility for her, if YOU trust him well enough besides your sister. I think that helps breaks the ice more a bit, especially for him to govern her safety too, before she decides to accept another journey ahead of her when its time. ((:

You're welcome. I try my best. Y^Y