N
noname223
Archangel
- Aug 18, 2020
- 5,426
This question is similar to the question "Is suicide rational?" or "Can suicide be rational?". Hence I post it here in the suicide discussion sub-forum.
SaSu is a website full of people in extreme pain and existential suffering. When most people describe things that are good for their soul they say for example they spend time outside, seeing the sun shining, doing sports (which has an anti-depressive effect), playing games with their friends, watching a movie and stuff like that.
In contrast this forum is inter alia about killing oneself. Plans on how to do it. Explicit descriptions of abuse and neglect. People in extreme soulcrushing and never ending pain. It documents the lives and deaths of people who would have deserved a happy end but never received it.
So why are so many of us visiting this forum every single day? Is it simply an addiction of misery porn? Is it like a spirale one cannot get out of? The answer to this question probably depends on the individual.
Many so called "suicide experts" (by the media) say how damaging a community like this one was. However, as you can see in the wikipedia article of this forum the stance is way more heterogenous than in the articles about this forum. Actually there is not much research on forums like this one.
The question emerges whether we just enjoy self-destruction and hence we visit this forum. We might want to corner ourselves. This is just a hypothesis. It might apply to some people. I doubt this applies to the majority and certainly not on me. I just want start with some controversial statements. I am not sure whether my next points should be universal or applied to my individual case to deal with this forum. Maybe both.
I think most people come here for the methods. I think my motivation was finding methods at first (4 years ago). If you are chronically suicidal for a very long time the notion to commit suicide can be cathartic. Personally, I imagine every single day to commit suicide. It gives me the strength to go on wqith fighting. I am in a lot of pain. I feel cornered as fuck. And I really really hate that feeling. I am a control freak. I cannot stand to be with my back against the wall. Imagining suicide makes me calm. It makes it more endurable the feeling of being in so much pain with no end in sight..
Many people who have chronic suicidal thoughts will never commit suicide. Sometimes even the knowledge of being able to cease one's existence can make pain bearable. For many suicidal thoughts keep mostly passive and only sometimes acute. From my personal experience I have to say people usually don't commit suicide lightly. There has to be immense pain over a very long time period so people overcome their survival instinct usually.
Being suicidal makes me so fucking lonely. And talking about my pain feels like self-care. I don't agree with some people on here who claim suicide itself was self-care. For me such a statement is simply insane and nothing else. There are some fringe extreme people in this community with whom I certainly don't agree with. But there are also many people like me who have a biography of abuse and persisting unbearable pain with barely any relief. It feels good the knowledge of not being alone with it. It is so hard to talk in real life about suicide. Most people feel overburdened or don't know how to act and don't know what to say if they are confronted with it. Especially if the person is a very severe case.
I think it is good to be careful posting on here. There are bad apples and you should always monitor yourself whether being on here makes you feel more depressed. At the same time this forum is so unique. I have the feeling the average Joe and Jane does not give a fuck about people like me. They say their platitudes to feel morally superior. I love the following recent post of a forum member on trauma dumping.
Nowadays, most people want to be seen as aware of societal ills but when it comes to sacrificing parts your own comfort for others they find lame excuses. The society is so hypocritial when it comes to suicide. I feel so much more understood being on here. Suicidality is a unique experience and most people cannot relate to it. For example how it feels of not being taking serious. The pressure of family memebers. Disrespectful replies of others. Lack of support. Cynical actions of politicians who want to be seen as defenders of vulnerable people while giving no fuck at all.
Browsing SaSu is for me a huge coping skill. It helps me to survive. And it helps to stomach all of the insane pain I am exposed to every single day. Many on here are very reasonable people. There is a lot of compassion and understanding. You cannot say that about most other corners of the internet. It is a skill for me of not committing suicide for me instead I post here about my pain. SaSu is never closed. Except when it gets ddosed but that's not the fault of the forum. Two therapists gave me up when i was fully honest about the extent of my daily suicidality and torment. It hurt like hell that feeling. And SaSu was there for me. The vast majority of members never judged me. I get compliments for my eloquence. Posting on here distracts me from my misery for a while. Posting on here gives me some meaning.
Real life interactions overburden me very quickly and can trigger me. It is very hard to find as severe cases as me when it comes to my desperation. I am probably a red flag when I am fully honest about my pain for many. I was in an acute clinic recently and I talked to many suicidal people. Some attempted recently. But my situation was from the longterm perspective comparitively the most hopeless one. The other suicidal people acted mostly out of impulse. Some were very critical of assisted suicide for mentally ill people. They were more ambivalent. They still had hope. They still had opportunities.
Me instead I am in this prison for so long. The staff members believed me when I said my consideration to kill myself is very rational. My life quality is horrendous for such a long time. The prospects to improve don't look good at all. It is very likely it gets way worse. For example when my parents die. I am going to commit suicide when that happens. Probably or maybe even way before. I am close to my limit. The clinic stay helped but I don't have much options anymore. I am running out of it.
My conclusion is browsing SaSu is very rational for me. It improves my life quality overall and it gives me the knowledge to end my life when I reach my limit eventually. However, I noticed that I need a time limit browsing on here. Spending the whole day on SaSu is not good for me. For me it depends on the dosage and some rules of not getting too atttached to others. I have the feeling the thread is rather mediocre. I posted so much I don't want to sound repetitive and redundant. Not being alone comforts my soul so fucking much. I can still remember how alienated I felt after my therapists gave me up. The loneliness was so soulcrushing. I never want to return to that state.
SaSu is a website full of people in extreme pain and existential suffering. When most people describe things that are good for their soul they say for example they spend time outside, seeing the sun shining, doing sports (which has an anti-depressive effect), playing games with their friends, watching a movie and stuff like that.
In contrast this forum is inter alia about killing oneself. Plans on how to do it. Explicit descriptions of abuse and neglect. People in extreme soulcrushing and never ending pain. It documents the lives and deaths of people who would have deserved a happy end but never received it.
So why are so many of us visiting this forum every single day? Is it simply an addiction of misery porn? Is it like a spirale one cannot get out of? The answer to this question probably depends on the individual.
Many so called "suicide experts" (by the media) say how damaging a community like this one was. However, as you can see in the wikipedia article of this forum the stance is way more heterogenous than in the articles about this forum. Actually there is not much research on forums like this one.
The question emerges whether we just enjoy self-destruction and hence we visit this forum. We might want to corner ourselves. This is just a hypothesis. It might apply to some people. I doubt this applies to the majority and certainly not on me. I just want start with some controversial statements. I am not sure whether my next points should be universal or applied to my individual case to deal with this forum. Maybe both.
I think most people come here for the methods. I think my motivation was finding methods at first (4 years ago). If you are chronically suicidal for a very long time the notion to commit suicide can be cathartic. Personally, I imagine every single day to commit suicide. It gives me the strength to go on wqith fighting. I am in a lot of pain. I feel cornered as fuck. And I really really hate that feeling. I am a control freak. I cannot stand to be with my back against the wall. Imagining suicide makes me calm. It makes it more endurable the feeling of being in so much pain with no end in sight..
Many people who have chronic suicidal thoughts will never commit suicide. Sometimes even the knowledge of being able to cease one's existence can make pain bearable. For many suicidal thoughts keep mostly passive and only sometimes acute. From my personal experience I have to say people usually don't commit suicide lightly. There has to be immense pain over a very long time period so people overcome their survival instinct usually.
Being suicidal makes me so fucking lonely. And talking about my pain feels like self-care. I don't agree with some people on here who claim suicide itself was self-care. For me such a statement is simply insane and nothing else. There are some fringe extreme people in this community with whom I certainly don't agree with. But there are also many people like me who have a biography of abuse and persisting unbearable pain with barely any relief. It feels good the knowledge of not being alone with it. It is so hard to talk in real life about suicide. Most people feel overburdened or don't know how to act and don't know what to say if they are confronted with it. Especially if the person is a very severe case.
I think it is good to be careful posting on here. There are bad apples and you should always monitor yourself whether being on here makes you feel more depressed. At the same time this forum is so unique. I have the feeling the average Joe and Jane does not give a fuck about people like me. They say their platitudes to feel morally superior. I love the following recent post of a forum member on trauma dumping.
A very convenient get out of jail free card for people who don't have the balls to tell you that they just don't give a shit about your problems, and that they want you to shut up. This armchair psychology mumbo jumbo is emerging as yet another social construct to further shun the already alienated mentally ill. Now people like you and I can be likened to cold-blooded abusers for misreading social cues or needing a listening ear after years of agony and trauma. Such a lifesaver for your average Joe, whose life is so good that he can't bare to fathom a life worse than his, lest he be a "victim" to your cries for help. Isn't that so lovely?
God I fucking despise these Gen Z pseudo-intellectual buzzwords. I feel like this modern attitude of indifference and "not owing anyone anything" is a huge factor in these skyrocketing depression and suicide rates. The youth have turned being there for your fellow man into a bad thing. Compassion? That's "toxic" and "codependent" now. Welcome to the new age, the Roaring Twenties. Leave your humanity at the door.
Nowadays, most people want to be seen as aware of societal ills but when it comes to sacrificing parts your own comfort for others they find lame excuses. The society is so hypocritial when it comes to suicide. I feel so much more understood being on here. Suicidality is a unique experience and most people cannot relate to it. For example how it feels of not being taking serious. The pressure of family memebers. Disrespectful replies of others. Lack of support. Cynical actions of politicians who want to be seen as defenders of vulnerable people while giving no fuck at all.
Browsing SaSu is for me a huge coping skill. It helps me to survive. And it helps to stomach all of the insane pain I am exposed to every single day. Many on here are very reasonable people. There is a lot of compassion and understanding. You cannot say that about most other corners of the internet. It is a skill for me of not committing suicide for me instead I post here about my pain. SaSu is never closed. Except when it gets ddosed but that's not the fault of the forum. Two therapists gave me up when i was fully honest about the extent of my daily suicidality and torment. It hurt like hell that feeling. And SaSu was there for me. The vast majority of members never judged me. I get compliments for my eloquence. Posting on here distracts me from my misery for a while. Posting on here gives me some meaning.
Real life interactions overburden me very quickly and can trigger me. It is very hard to find as severe cases as me when it comes to my desperation. I am probably a red flag when I am fully honest about my pain for many. I was in an acute clinic recently and I talked to many suicidal people. Some attempted recently. But my situation was from the longterm perspective comparitively the most hopeless one. The other suicidal people acted mostly out of impulse. Some were very critical of assisted suicide for mentally ill people. They were more ambivalent. They still had hope. They still had opportunities.
Me instead I am in this prison for so long. The staff members believed me when I said my consideration to kill myself is very rational. My life quality is horrendous for such a long time. The prospects to improve don't look good at all. It is very likely it gets way worse. For example when my parents die. I am going to commit suicide when that happens. Probably or maybe even way before. I am close to my limit. The clinic stay helped but I don't have much options anymore. I am running out of it.
My conclusion is browsing SaSu is very rational for me. It improves my life quality overall and it gives me the knowledge to end my life when I reach my limit eventually. However, I noticed that I need a time limit browsing on here. Spending the whole day on SaSu is not good for me. For me it depends on the dosage and some rules of not getting too atttached to others. I have the feeling the thread is rather mediocre. I posted so much I don't want to sound repetitive and redundant. Not being alone comforts my soul so fucking much. I can still remember how alienated I felt after my therapists gave me up. The loneliness was so soulcrushing. I never want to return to that state.