Is it weird that I have no desire to get better/commit to get better?

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

They say DBT is the best source of therapy for people with BPD like myself. Yet, even though my therapist is willing to do it with me, I make the choice not to. She doesn't push me, she lets me find my footing and do was I please in therapy. But....I dont know if I want to get better

I see 2 potential paths ahead of me. One in wish I, somehow if God desires, that I end up living a decent life. A life with friends, a lover, and just happiness beyond the bullshit trauma I carry alone

The other is suicide. Where I realize that I am unable nor desire to change. I dont desire to help myself and so I decide to end things in a painful way that I hope gets me out of my misery

I feel all in all I am wasting my therapists time and money, knowing damn well I dont do anything to get better. I really am a burden huh...

 

[iDieUDie80]

Message me you little dinkle.

I struggle with a very similar situation which I've probably talked about with you. You have to be willing to use the skills you acquire in treatment, and make the effort to keep yourself safe and better yourself. There's got to be an incentive to do this. For right now, it's me getting together with my friend that I care about and love so much in the near future, but even that's a little shaky.

 

[KiraComplex]

it all starts with you: see where your heart truly lies, is it death or improvement?

also, dont be hard on yourself and expect results in seconds- living is hard.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

it all starts with you: see where your heart truly lies, is it death or improvement?

also, dont be hard on yourself and expect results in seconds- living is hard.

Tbh I am not sure. I flip flop. And even then I am not sure.

You're right about living being hard. I so want to die, but there are some things I wanted to experience first but I cant

 

[AllReturnsToNothing]

Well hey, at least seeing a therepist proves that you do have an innate desire to get better (provided it's of your own volition of course, I can't just pretend I know your situation). I can however say that I totally understand not wanting to get better. Hell I don't think I even have the energy to make a commitment toward an attempt to get better these days. Most days I'd rather just continue spiraling down the path I am until I eventually wither away. You're not alone in that regard. Dammit text just doesn't do my words justice it sucks that we gotta feel this way.

 

[catsarecool]

Committing to getting better/wanting to live is terrifying. I'd be afraid that life would just show me that it can get worse no matter the effort I put in or just make me believe more vehemently that I can never be happy. For me coming from a place of being traumatized early as a kid you see yourself as dirty and broken and something beyond repair to begin with.
But at the same time if you're at the point where dying is an option, do you have that much to lose by trying to get better? Death isn't going everywhere. But you have a chance to at least to try out something that could help you. At the end it's your decision and I can't say I exactly know how you feel but I think if you at least check it out even if you end up dropping it you'll come out of it with more information on what is the best decision for you.

Sorry if I sound really pushy, it's not my intent. I relate a lot to the way you see yourself as a "burden" and I want you to know that even if you see yourself that way, other people do not. And sometimes even just making it through an another day is an achievement.

 

[so tired or manic]

for me not wanting to get better was more along the lines of 'change is scary', to put it lightly. I had only known depression for so long, nothing else seemed possible. now I go back and forth a whole lot, and it can get better, it just takes pushing past that comfort zone.

of course there can also be a ton of gray area that I don't know, so grain of salt I suppose.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Committing to getting better/wanting to live is terrifying. I'd be afraid that life would just show me that it can get worse no matter the effort I put in or just make me believe more vehemently that I can never be happy. For me coming from a place of being traumatized early as a kid you see yourself as dirty and broken and something beyond repair to begin with.
But at the same time if you're at the point where dying is an option, do you have that much to lose by trying to get better? Death isn't going everywhere. But you have a chance to at least to try out something that could help you. At the end it's your decision and I can't say I exactly know how you feel but I think if you at least check it out even if you end up dropping it you'll come out of it with more information on what is the best decision for you.

Sorry if I sound really pushy, it's not my intent. I relate a lot to the way you see yourself as a "burden" and I want you to know that even if you see yourself that way, other people do not. And sometimes even just making it through an another day is an achievement.

You got a point. I could tap out at any point I want. I'm just scared for the reasons you mentioned above. Of taking the route of getting better but then getting hut all over. In a way, death is a way of self protection.

 

[Ksab]

Same here

 

[FrankieVallie]

I do believe that for some people, self-improvement will work. If you're on the verge of suicide, I think you should give self-improvement one last shot with all your heart. And if it doesn't work, you can be more confident in your decision to CTB. Ultimately, it's whatever you choose and is completely up to you. For me, I tried to fix myself for years. Eventually, I realized that, unlike what society told me, I wasn't the problem; this evil, horrible, brutal world we live in is the problem. That's why I am at peace with death now. I'm not afraid to go nor do I want to accomplish anything else before death. I am happy and satisfied with myself. I've tried everything and worked as hard as I possibly could, yet suicide is the only option I have. To me, that proves that it isn't something wrong with me, but something terribly wrong with this damn world we're in.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I do believe that for some people, self-improvement will work. If you're on the verge of suicide, I think you should give self-improvement one last shot with all your heart. And if it doesn't work, you can be more confident in your decision to CTB. Ultimately, it's whatever you choose and is completely up to you. For me, I tried to fix myself for years. Eventually, I realized that, unlike what society told me, I wasn't the problem; this evil, horrible, brutal world we live in is the problem. That's why I am at peace with death now. I'm not afraid to go nor do I want to accomplish anything else before death. I am happy and satisfied with myself. I've tried everything and worked as hard as I possibly could, yet suicide is the only option I have. To me, that proves that it isn't something wrong with me, but something terribly wrong with this damn world we're in.

I love your strength.

 

[catsarecool]

You got a point. I could tap out at any point I want. I'm just scared for the reasons you mentioned above. Of taking the route of getting better but then getting hut all over. In a way, death is a way of self protection.

Yeah, I feel that. It's painful to not being able to enjoy life. It's kinda easier to just shut it down. Trying to get better means having to face all those things and the uncertainty.
At least when you die, be it soon or years ahead, it won't really matter anymore. You will be free of the pain at that point. So I think it might be as well worth to try it out. You have the whole eternity to be dead, and compared to that our lives are pretty short anyways.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I think we're in the same boat.

I have a new trauma therapist (I see her Monday for the first time) and I have a support group of child abuse survivors (haha I'm no survivor) and I have a long and ugly road ahead of me of Dissociative, Traumatised, Depressed, Repressed cr*p to dig through. I can't deal with what I'm facing now.

I'm completely alone because either I've cut people off to save them or they've cut me off to save themselves.

My CTB package comes in the mail in a few weeks and it's all I can think about. I feel like I'd be settling for a life that will never change, trapped in a mind that just wants to torture me.

Wasting time and money? Being a burden? Not having the energy for the fight?

I get it.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I think we're in the same boat.

I have a new trauma therapist (I see her Monday for the first time) and I have a support group of child abuse survivors (haha I'm no survivor) and I have a long and ugly road ahead of me of Dissociative, Traumatised, Depressed, Repressed cr*p to dig through. I can't deal with what I'm facing now.

I'm completely alone because either I've cut people off to save them or they've cut me off to save themselves.

My CTB package comes in the mail in a few weeks and it's all I can think about. I feel like I'd be settling for a life that will never change, trapped in a mind that just wants to torture me.

Wasting time and money? Being a burden? Not having the energy for the fight?

I get it.

I think that' what many people forget. The journey is hard . It's an uphill battle where every time you take on step, you face somethign that makes you wish you were dead. And I mean, I dont think everyone is cut out for that. I feel at some point I will get so fed up I'll just die because I can't take it anymore

 

[Deleted member 18655]

I think that' what many people forget. The journey is hard . It's an uphill battle where every time you take on step, you face somethign that makes you wish you were dead. And I mean, I dont think everyone is cut out for that. I feel at some point I will get so fed up I'll just die because I can't take it anymore

I don't know how I managed to do it for so long but it really feels like this is the end. The bottom. And I'm good with that. It's been a bumpy journey - and each time I land, I land with a harder THUD than the time before.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I don't know why, but I'm crying. I'm saying to myself, that the journey is healing is not a journey we can all go down. The when you uncover one traumatic memory and have to face it you'll be hit with eh desire to die. The desire ot escape. in the journey to healing you will come across triggers, people, and situations that'l; hurt you and bring back that desire to die. I don't know if I want to deal with all of that. I think a part of me wants to, but another part of me wants to die. I am afraid ot die because, well, I've never died before and dying is painful too. So its like I am in purgatory not sure of what to do and I just want peace already

I don't know how I managed to do it for so long but it really feels like this is the end. The bottom. And I'm good with that. It's been a bumpy journey - and each time I land, I land with a harder THUD than the time before.

This is a reality the mental health community has to understand. They paint this picture of "take meds and go to therapy to heal!". Sure, that can work for some people. But what about those it doesn't work for. It doesn't matter.

I have always wanted to commit suicide by jumping off a bridge (about 1 hour from where I live I could do it easily) or jumping in train tracks. But, its like when I am faced with death I also want to live. Its to confusing

 

[KiraComplex]

Tbh I am not sure. I flip flop. And even then I am not sure.

You're right about living being hard. I so want to die, but there are some things I wanted to experience first but I cant

well consider what you want to experience. sort the realistic to the unrealistic and go from there. like a check list or something

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

well consider what you want to experience. sort the realistic to the unrealistic and go from there. like a check list or something

Thanks. The reality is that, all of this decision making relies on the individual. Sadly I don't know if I have the effort to even try.

 

[CuddleHug]

But, its like when I am faced with death I also want to live. Its to confusing

You mentioned DBT and this duality is a big part of it. Two opposing thoughts that somehow exist simultaneously. It's what the D stands for, dialectical. You don't want to live, but you don't want to die either. You want to try recovery, but you don't want to commit to it.

I think you would benefit from trying out DBT. It's hard fucking work because it deals with emotion regulation and understanding why you feel things a certain way, but I know several people who was literally saved thanks to DBT. I was not able to do it when I had the chance about a year ago, but I still want to give it another go if the opportunity arises.

Until then, I am like you. What's the point in even trying? I don't want to put in all that effort into recovery. It's not like I want to be miserable, but I'm used to it now. My therapist asked me why I come to her sessions if I don't want to recover, and my answer was that I know I'll lose her if I stop coming and that would be bad. If I ever change my mind and do want to work on myself, I want her to be by my side. So I go, just for the off-chance that I might want to try recovery again sometime.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

You mentioned DBT and this duality is a big part of it. Two opposing thoughts that somehow exist simultaneously. It's what the D stands for, dialectical. You don't want to live, but you don't want to die either. You want to try recovery, but you don't want to commit to it.

I think you would benefit from trying out DBT. It's hard fucking work because it deals with emotion regulation and understanding why you feel things a certain way, but I know several people who was literally saved thanks to DBT. I was not able to do it when I had the chance about a year ago, but I still want to give it another go if the opportunity arises.

Until then, I am like you. What's the point in even trying? I don't want to put in all that effort into recovery. It's not like I want to be miserable, but I'm used to it now. My therapist asked me why I come to her sessions if I don't want to recover, and my answer was that I know I'll lose her if I stop coming and that would be bad. If I ever change my mind and do want to work on myself, I want her to be by my side. So I go, just for the off-chance that I might want to try recovery again sometime.

Yup. Hard work. I don't like hard work, therefore don't want to commit lol. Also I am not ready, and scared, to face trauma

 

[nais]

somehow if God desires, that I end up living a decent life. A life with friends, a lover, and just happiness beyond the bullshit trauma I carry alone

Yes! God does desire that you live a decent, beautiful, happy, fulfilling life! In Matthew's gospel there's a man who has leprosy and he says, "IF YOU ARE WILLING, you can make me well." He wasn't certain that God was willing to heal him so that he could have a normal life. Then Jesus responds, "I AM WILLING! BE CLEAN!" God is willing to help you too.

 

[miguel6565]

i can relate so much to your words,i dont find desire in being better

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

They say DBT is the best source of therapy for people with BPD like myself. Yet, even though my therapist is willing to do it with me, I make the choice not to. She doesn't push me, she lets me find my footing and do was I please in therapy. But....I dont know if I want to get better

I see 2 potential paths ahead of me. One in wish I, somehow if God desires, that I end up living a decent life. A life with friends, a lover, and just happiness beyond the bullshit trauma I carry alone

The other is suicide. Where I realize that I am unable nor desire to change. I dont desire to help myself and so I decide to end things in a painful way that I hope gets me out of my misery

I feel all in all I am wasting my therapists time and money, knowing damn well I dont do anything to get better. I really am a burden huh...

You took the words right out of my mouth. I feel pretty much exactly the same.