is it wrong to let my ex know i ctb

[heisenberg]

my ex boyfriend and i haven't spoken in a little over a year now, we broke up 4 years ago tho (lol). we don't even live in the same state so my options are a scheduled text or sending a letter to his house. i just want to know if this is a stupid idea and if i'm wrong for bringing him into this.
he was my first favorite person and after we broke up it led to my bpd diagnosis. he knows this information as i told him some time ago. since we met, i can't seem to get him out of my head. i wish i had a time machine just so i could relive everything. i truly feel so bonded to him in my heart and soul, i think about him quite often and would do anything just to hear his voice again.
if i were to reach out to him, i would want to let him know of my passing and how much i loved him. i would let him know i was thinking of him in my final moments and hope we meet again soon. i am planning to ctb the day after his birthday so i can be close to his life in the afterlife.

possible pitfalls:
- he moved (doubtful however)
- he finally blocked my number

is it wrong of me to bring him into my ctb? is this too much unnecessary harm and guilt if i let him know? am i delusional for this?

 

[Wolf Girl]

my ex boyfriend and i haven't spoken in a little over a year now, we broke up 4 years ago tho (lol). we don't even live in the same state so my options are a scheduled text or sending a letter to his house. i just want to know if this is a stupid idea and if i'm wrong for bringing him into this.
he was my first favorite person and after we broke up it led to my bpd diagnosis. he knows this information as i told him some time ago. since we met, i can't seem to get him out of my head. i wish i had a time machine just so i could relive everything. i truly feel so bonded to him in my heart and soul, i think about him quite often and would do anything just to hear his voice again.
if i were to reach out to him, i would want to let him know of my passing and how much i loved him. i would let him know i was thinking of him in my final moments and hope we meet again soon. i am planning to ctb the day after his birthday so i can be close to his life in the afterlife.

possible pitfalls:
- he moved (doubtful however)
- he finally blocked my number

is it wrong of me to bring him into my ctb? is this too much unnecessary harm and guilt if i let him know? am i delusional for this?

Oh hon... I understand this situation and these feelings. I think you already know the answer. Yes, it is wrong to involve him or disclose that your ctb was related to feelings about him. You have to let him go.

 

[TBONTB]

my ex boyfriend and i haven't spoken in a little over a year now, we broke up 4 years ago tho (lol). we don't even live in the same state so my options are a scheduled text or sending a letter to his house. i just want to know if this is a stupid idea and if i'm wrong for bringing him into this.
he was my first favorite person and after we broke up it led to my bpd diagnosis. he knows this information as i told him some time ago. since we met, i can't seem to get him out of my head. i wish i had a time machine just so i could relive everything. i truly feel so bonded to him in my heart and soul, i think about him quite often and would do anything just to hear his voice again.
if i were to reach out to him, i would want to let him know of my passing and how much i loved him. i would let him know i was thinking of him in my final moments and hope we meet again soon. i am planning to ctb the day after his birthday so i can be close to his life in the afterlife.

possible pitfalls:
- he moved (doubtful however)
- he finally blocked my number

is it wrong of me to bring him into my ctb? is this too much unnecessary harm and guilt if i let him know? am i delusional for this?

Yes, it's too much. When he blocked your number he communicated he wasn't interested in more contact. You'll have to let that be the answer.

 

[EternalHunger]

It's relatable and I also have someone I desperately want to send one last message to before I ctb, but you, and I, know it's wrong no matter how much it hurts; if you still care for him, then you should let him go on without such guilt as it could be really devastating and negatively affect the rest of his life. But please understand you aren't in any way horrible for wanting this, this is a very human and honestly a bit bittersweet

 

[somebodyfromeast]

I think I have a solution:
Write a paper letter. With a pen on paper. Put all your feelings and thoughts into this letter. Express everything you want to say to your loved one. Then seal the letter in an envelope and... put it aside for a few days (if possible). After a while, ask yourself if you still want to send the letter. Sometimes, we just need to express our thoughts, and you might realize that writing them down was enough.
If after a couple of days you realize that you still want to send a letter, do it the wrong way. Don't put an address on the envelope, don't put your information on it, don't put it in the mailbox. Trick your brain that you send the envelope (and let go of your thoughts with it), but make sure it will never be delivered.
I hope you feels better

 

[heisenberg]

Oh hon... I understand this situation and these feelings. I think you already know the answer. Yes, it is wrong to involve him or disclose that your ctb was related to feelings about him. You have to let him go.

thank you for your understanding and response. idk how to explain it sometimes i just need to hear it from other people what i already know, it makes it feel valid.

It's relatable and I also have someone I desperately want to send one last message to before I ctb, but you, and I, know it's wrong no matter how much it hurts; if you still care for him, then you should let him go on without such guilt as it could be really devastating and negatively affect the rest of his life. But please understand you aren't in any way horrible for wanting this, this is a very human and honestly a bit bittersweet

thank you <3 your response reminds me of a quote i heard before that goes "for my final act of love i will let you go." i don't want to hurt him but i understand it would do more harm than good.

Yes, it's too much. When he blocked your number he communicated he wasn't interested in more contact. You'll have to let that be the answer.

i realize my original post was not clear, he hasn't blocked me. it was meant to present as a possibility. regardless i realize reaching out to him is something i shouldn't do.

I think I have a solution:
Write a paper letter. With a pen on paper. Put all your feelings and thoughts into this letter. Express everything you want to say to your loved one. Then seal the letter in an envelope and... put it aside for a few days (if possible). After a while, ask yourself if you still want to send the letter. Sometimes, we just need to express our thoughts, and you might realize that writing them down was enough.
If after a couple of days you realize that you still want to send a letter, do it the wrong way. Don't put an address on the envelope, don't put your information on it, don't put it in the mailbox. Trick your brain that you send the envelope (and let go of your thoughts with it), but make sure it will never be delivered.
I hope you feels better

i like this idea, it gives me an outlet in the same medium as i want but without causing him the grief. thank you for this suggestion.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

You're involving them in your ctb, as you would leave them in a decision forced to react and do something. You risk them blaming themselves if they fail to save you.
Its not right imo sorry.

 

[Lady_V]

No, leave him be.
My ex recently wanted to do something similar. He wanted to make sure his family looked out for me after he ctb. He said he didn't want me to blame myself for it. All I could think of was "why". You're out of my life. I wouldn't even KNOW if you ctb, why would you invovle me?

 

[Dejected 55]

I have told a couple of family members generally of my intentions, but not the specific plan. Someone to whom I was already reaching out and being ignored, I let her know too. I told her I wasn't trying to make her feel guilty or responsible... but since I never knew why she ignored me in the first place, I told her that I wanted her to know my plans because IF there was any chance she was waiting and ever could want to reach out to me... I didn't want her to reach out too late and then feel guilty. I wanted her to know that it was okay if she was done with me, but if she wasn't that now was the time to reach out because I was not intending to be around much longer. She has still ignored me, so I stopped contacting her after that. I hope she doesn't feel bad or try to come around when it is too late, but I can't do anything else. I've given her all the chances I can. The last time I was ignored, I made a promise to not contact her again... so I am not going to write her a post-suicide letter either. There's no point. If she is trying to forget me she likely will never even know I died, so there will be no chance of guilt. I'm nobody special, so there is no reason for my death to make the news.

 

[submarinedownsea]

I understand u and i was thinking about this to, i have bpd and i divorced recently, i still love and think about him and wanted him to know what its going to happen, But honestly, its worse if u bring him up, it will make him feel guilty, make him get traumas, involve him wen its over, woudnt be good to him. All the love for you.