Venting Is life even worth living if you're autistic

[scary]

The title is just a hypothetical, I obviously don't think anyone's lives have any less value because of this. This post is purely just about me.

I have the type of autism that makes it feel impossible to do literally anything. I dropped out of school years ago due to this combined with depression and just feelings of worthlessness in general. My parents used to give me nothing but grief about how disappointed they are in me for dropping out, that I apparently had talent when it came to art and that I'm just wasting it by not going to college or something. I think they just gave up and accepted that I'm probably not gonna do anything with my life. I have so many relatives who are also on the spectrum and they're all just so smart and talented compared to me. I wish I had the being good at math or science autism instead of the being mentally challenged autism.

The only things I think about really is just suicide and my current interests. I hate myself for not being able to do actual work, even in school I'd remember being called out because I couldn't focus on the actual assignment and wasn't able to comprehend what was on the page or screen. When I got home I wouldn't do my homework and would just spend all of my time being uncontrollably fixated on things that I did like. In fact the main reason why I have so few posts despite how long I've been on here is because it takes me hours to get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way.

I guess I could use my interests to maybe develop a hobby of some kind. I've always been a bit fascinated by key-based instruments like keyboard, piano, synthesizer, etc. but instruments are so expensive. I think music in general is just one of the more expensive hobbies you could get into. People who grew up in lower class families know that bigger and more expensive gifts were for Christmas and maybe birthdays. But the thing is I already asked for an instrument one year: an electric guitar, but I found out the hard way that I absolutely fucking hate playing the guitar. I don't know why. I just chose that because it's the most popular electric based instrument and that it kinda seemed fun at the time. I think subconsciously I just asked for a guitar instead of a keyboard because I'd feel less bad if I sucked at it. If I found out that I'm terrible at the keyboard like I am with everything else, I'd hate myself more and end up hating the instrument itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful that I did get a guitar one year, I just don't think string based instruments are for me. I do feel like absolute shit every time I go into my closet and see it in its case though. It is a really gorgeous guitar, so dark blue it almost looks black from far away and even has hints of shine to it, I just wish I was smart enough and motivated enough to play it.
We did use to own one of those cheap electronic keyboards made for kids that had the row of instrument buttons at the top where one of them just sounded like the intro to Судно (Борис Рижий) by Molchat Doma, but they threw it away while we were moving cause no one would play it. I should've at least tried with that, sure it sounded like absolute hot garbage but at least it was something.

I'm just so goddamn useless, I can't do anything and I can't do anything right. I somewhat recently developed a habit of 'punishing' myself whenever I'd do even the littlest thing wrong by scratching or cutting my arms. But I'm sure that if we all lived in a Fahrenheit 451 style dystopian world I would've immediately been shot for being an autistic unproductive member of society. Why bother trying to even attempt at doing something myself? I can't mess up watching or listening to something someone else has made. I know that everyone makes mistakes, but I've had more than my share.

I'm currently listening to the trains make their rounds while I write this. I wish I had the courage to just lay on the tracks. They're right by my house, but it sounds like an absolute nightmare if I somehow mess up knowing my luck. Plus I just hate going outside.

 

[Whole-Ad]

I'm also autistic, I was diagnosed a few years ago. At first it helped because it explained why I struggled so much, especially at school.

But the more I think about it, it just shows that I can't do anything right and that this will never change. I can't make friends, and I struggle to talk to people I don't know. I hate going places on my own. I'm not intelligent or talented. I'm just autistic. There's something off about me and I don't know what it is that I do wrong, but people don't want to be friends with me.

There is no cure for this, I will be like this forever. At least with my depression there's things that can help, like medication (as much as I hate taking it). There's at least a chance things will be better in the future. If your dog was sick, you wouldn't let it suffer like this. So why am I left like this?

 

[xanthe]

i got diagnosed when i was 7 or 8 and it feels like a double edged sword for me. i was pretty academically gifted in school and autism definitely played a part in that, but the big downside was always the social aspect. ive always felt years behind everyone else my age even now. i got bullied a lot because i couldn't keep up with other people or id get overstimulated and not know how to respond the right way. i did my best to fit in and i got a bit better in later yrs but i still just always felt inferior to other people socially. then covid hit and wiped out years of social skills. now im introverted af and can barely hold conversations a lot of the time, and it sucks because i think its nice to talk to ppl.

i do think my life would be better if i didn't have it. i didn't rly try in high school and college and still did above average, so id take working my arse off for the same results, whilst feeling like a functioning member of society, over being autistic most days. its definitely a contributor to why im here. at the same time tho im aware it could be worse.

The title is just a hypothetical, I obviously don't think anyone's lives have any less value because of this. This post is purely just about me.

I have the type of autism that makes it feel impossible to do literally anything. I dropped out of school years ago due to this combined with depression and just feelings of worthlessness in general. My parents used to give me nothing but grief about how disappointed they are in me for dropping out, that I apparently had talent when it came to art and that I'm just wasting it by not going to college or something. I think they just gave up and accepted that I'm probably not gonna do anything with my life. I have so many relatives who are also on the spectrum and they're all just so smart and talented compared to me. I wish I had the being good at math or science autism instead of the being mentally challenged autism.

The only things I think about really is just suicide and my current interests. I hate myself for not being able to do actual work, even in school I'd remember being called out because I couldn't focus on the actual assignment and wasn't able to comprehend what was on the page or screen. When I got home I wouldn't do my homework and would just spend all of my time being uncontrollably fixated on things that I did like. In fact the main reason why I have so few posts despite how long I've been on here is because it takes me hours to get my thoughts out in a somewhat coherent way.

I guess I could use my interests to maybe develop a hobby of some kind. I've always been a bit fascinated by key-based instruments like keyboard, piano, synthesizer, etc. but instruments are so expensive. I think music in general is just one of the more expensive hobbies you could get into. People who grew up in lower class families know that bigger and more expensive gifts were for Christmas and maybe birthdays. But the thing is I already asked for an instrument one year: an electric guitar, but I found out the hard way that I absolutely fucking hate playing the guitar. I don't know why. I just chose that because it's the most popular electric based instrument and that it kinda seemed fun at the time. I think subconsciously I just asked for a guitar instead of a keyboard because I'd feel less bad if I sucked at it. If I found out that I'm terrible at the keyboard like I am with everything else, I'd hate myself more and end up hating the instrument itself. Don't get me wrong, I'm absolutely grateful that I did get a guitar one year, I just don't think string based instruments are for me. I do feel like absolute shit every time I go into my closet and see it in its case though. It is a really gorgeous guitar, so dark blue it almost looks black from far away and even has hints of shine to it, I just wish I was smart enough and motivated enough to play it.
We did use to own one of those cheap electronic keyboards made for kids that had the row of instrument buttons at the top where one of them just sounded like the intro to Судно (Борис Рижий) by Molchat Doma, but they threw it away while we were moving cause no one would play it. I should've at least tried with that, sure it sounded like absolute hot garbage but at least it was something.

I'm just so goddamn useless, I can't do anything and I can't do anything right. I somewhat recently developed a habit of 'punishing' myself whenever I'd do even the littlest thing wrong by scratching or cutting my arms. But I'm sure that if we all lived in a Fahrenheit 451 style dystopian world I would've immediately been shot for being an autistic unproductive member of society. Why bother trying to even attempt at doing something myself? I can't mess up watching or listening to something someone else has made. I know that everyone makes mistakes, but I've had more than my share.

I'm currently listening to the trains make their rounds while I write this. I wish I had the courage to just lay on the tracks. They're right by my house, but it sounds like an absolute nightmare if I somehow mess up knowing my luck. Plus I just hate going outside.

View attachment 178634

if ur no good with instruments (like me) but still wanna try making something musical, a good way to get into it is just playing around on daws like fl studio or ableton (bandlab or cakewalk are good free alternatives, i usually crack fl but finding a good dl is hard). idk any music theory but something about building blocks and arranging them just clicks and that might be an autism thing. maybe worth looking into if ur interested <3

 

[Wrath]

Honestly, I don't think so. I keep trying so hard but in the end I've already fallen so far behind in everything. I can't motivate myself to do anything. I can barely even keep a sleep schedule. I can't even do my favorite thing anymore, which is playing videogames. When I do try to force myself, I just end up crying anyways.

My autism is the type where I am good at certain things, but horrible at everything else. I can succeed with programming and videogames, but I can't find any motivation to make it past the finish line. I have literally nobody. Not even parents understand, they just send me around in circles. Sometimes I think they purposefully tried to ruin my life. Everything they could have gotten wrong they did. At this point I really think that they are some sort of evil spirit or demon wearing a skinsuit, playing dumb, and getting off to my pain.

There's just no way they could really do things this badly and not be doing it on purpose. How to ruin a child? Have him when you're in your 40s. Isolate him. Heavy religion. Physical abuse. Mutilate his sexual organ so it doesn't function. Scream at him randomly. Put immense academic pressure on him. Don't let him hang out with other kids. Send him to a different summer camp every year. Don't let him save any phone number from those summer camps, or anyone's number ever. Don't give him a phone. Don't let him on the internet. Don't let him play any videogame besides racing games. Minecraft? No, that's too violent. Don't let him watch any tv shows besides heavily censored ones. Hobbies? Only the ones where you stay in your room constantly. Make sure to ridicule and question him once he turns 18 about why he has no friends, job, drivers license, or college plan. These creature HAVE to be demons. There's just no other way I can cope with the absolute insanity.

What you said about failing, I definitely understand that. When other people fail they have friends, family, a significant other that they can run back to, and build a foundation on. Me? If I fail, all I have is my room. Where I never feel any privacy at all because no one knocks before entering. Even after I asked they just get mad at me. I can't take failure. I've had too much already. I just want one win for once, that I know will never come. At this point I'm too jaded, mentally broken, and fucking angry at everyone. Even if I could snap my fingers, take away the autism, get friends, an actual family, and a husband. I would be so angry. Where were all of these things when I really needed it? Would any of it be there if I had my autism? No. It seems that to get what I want I have to throw away everything I am. Even that is impossible. Autism is forever.

I feel like I somehow gained consciousness late. When I was reading studies and stuff everyone said ages 5-7. I think it was really 17 or 18 for me. I really don't know why. It's like I was on autopilot and then one day I wake up fully aware of everything. All too painfully aware of all my shortcomings.

At the start of this year I was going through a phase where I really thought I could date. Where I could try to pretend to be something else. I practiced in front of the mirror. Hours and days later I realize that I can't even pretend in front of a mirror when I am alone. You know how Forrest Gump sounds when he talks? Make that 10x more retarded sounding, drawn out, squeaky and mispronounced, and that's what I sound like even when I TRY to sound normal. In my head when I'm talking to myself when no one is home I think I sound like everyone else. Then I see a video of myself and it comes crashing down. Then I try to record my own voice and it sounds so horrible even after I do post processing on it to sound less retarded in a discord call. I literally LOOK autistic. I look at pictures when I was a child and that really cemented my plan to ctb. You can SEE it in me. There's literally something physically off about me and I'm not joking. I get uncomfortable looking at my own childhood pictures because something looks OFF. And I'M LITERALLY THE GUY IN THE PICTURE. How could I ever expect anyone to treat me normal when my own appearance puts even myself off? I wish that I was plain ugly instead of looking like some sort of alien.

I keep telling myself that I need to stay alive. Do something so that I can leave with a smile. In the back of my head I have the realization that all I'll ever know are tears. But why? Why should I even try to make my videogames? What's going to happen? If I fail or succeed the only thing that'll really change is that I will now be alone in an apartment instead of alone in my room. I'll still be the friendless loser. I can't even go out in the backyard for 5 minutes without it ruining my day. Even when no one is around the mere act of going outside ruins me. What use is any of this without at least one relationship? My antiemetic (meto) is coming soon. I'll finalize my plan, get my shit together, clean my room, and then I'll be out. I've been procrastinating my escape for almost a year.

Even when I was a toddler I have distinct memories of being unable to play with the other kids. My life is over. It never began.

I'm not turning fucking 20. I am going to be eternally 19.