Discussion Is sexuality part of why you want to CTB?

[ShatteredSerenity]

Is sexuality part of why you want to CTB?

I was thinking about this because I know oppresion against gay people has historically been a well-known cause of suicide, but the underlying factors can apply to anyone across the spectrum of sexual identities. I'm curious what others are experiencing.

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To answer for myself:

For context I'd describe myself as heteroflexible, genderqueer, and autistic. I lump autism in with sexuality and gender identity because it's such a deep part of my personality that it massively impacts every relationship.

Even though I'm not gay, I still can identify with the pain of being excluded and ostracised because I never fit in with "the boys" and I was very lonely throughout childhood. I wanted a girlfriend (maybe boyfriend) but it felt hopeless because I was too quiet and odd. I was smart, ambitious, and did interesting things though, and in college I met a girl who appreciated all that and we got married about 20 years ago.

Marriage wasn't completely satisfying and I still wanted to meet different types of people, so I got into non-monogamy. Building new relationships was exciting, but autism kept getting in the way. Unfortunately I'm afraid non-monogomy helped bring about the downfall of our marriage, which is devastating. Once my wife got to spend intimate time with neurotypical men she became frustrated that I wasn't the same way. It was gut wrenching that I couldn't be that for her, and the feeling of rejection is agonizing.

Now all of my relationships have fallen apart and I'm separated from my wife. No longer having a partner for intimate activities and sex is so hard for me. Sex was never the most important thing to me, but I was always a sexual person and it hurts so much to loose that.

Things wouldn't be so bad if I could still date and find someone new, but my mental health and life situation are both so bad that nobody in their right mind would want to partner with me. My depression is so severe I can't take care of myself or hold a conversation about anything besides despair and suicide, and the bipolar meds are making me fat. The thought of spending the rest of my life alone is crushing, I'd rather be dead.

 

[voir2]

Is your problem lack of intimacy or lack of sexuality ?
Maybe it is not a good thing to do with your depression but I think you may have hookups with other men and they will mostly not care about your situation.

 

[Namelesa]

Not having a partner has somewhat effected my want to ctb as I have used relationships to fill the constant empty feeling I have. However if I am in a relationship, I am going to be paranoid of doing anything wrong as I worry they would leave me cus I have an intense fear of abandonment. I also become really guilty if I disappoint or upset them and if I feel like I am not cared for enough I can feel worthless and start to resent my partner.

That resentment and worthlessness lead me to cheat on my 2nd partner as I felt like I wasn't able to express my emotions and wants in the relationship as that often upset him and made him feel guilty. In the relationship I tried to go along with what he wanted even if I didn't really want to do some things or wanted something in return but I snapped at a certain pointed and cheated which I forever hate myself for. These problems in relationships still leaves me to be suicidal while in them.

I also have some sexual thoughts that I will forever be shameful and guilty about and hate myself for which has caused me to want to die even more and to self harm to punish myself for having these thoughts.

 

[LostLily]

Despite being 33 , I never dated anyone partially because of self-hatred

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Is your problem lack of intimacy or lack of sexuality ?
Maybe it is not a good thing to do with your depression but I think you may have hookups with other men and they will mostly not care about your situation.

I totally was considering this, but I'm so lonely I need intimacy first. I really miss giving and receiving affection, sex was just icing on the cake.

 

[Tig]

Let me, be me: syndrome.
You just have to figure out where stand, and surround yourself with like minded people.

There will always be naysayers and critics, #$%&em.

 

[Overwhelmed52]

For me, it's the fact that I'm alone and an outcast. It has nothing to do with my sexual orientation, but I probably don't feel any differently than people who feel cast out because of their sexuality. It is definitely hard feeling unwanted. And I don't have the disposition to keep looking for the bright side.

 

[voir2]

I totally was considering this, but I'm so lonely I need intimacy first. I really miss giving and receiving affection, sex was just icing on the cake.

While you were still with your ex, were you dating more girls or more men ? Did you had real intimacy with some of them ?
As you are divorcee, you could surely find someone wanting to share some intimacy.

As for myself, I am not good dating material. A life of never ending lack of intimacy and sexuality is certainly a big part of why I want to ctb.

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

No

I dislike this world of labels we find ourselves in. Tbh, I don't understand why people feel the need to apply so many. Are they not restrictive rather than liberating? Is it not just another box?

But peace be with you anyway x

 

[avalokitesvara]

happiness never comes from the satisfaction of desires. you found this in your marriage, it didn't fulfil you so you sought more in the form of nonmonogamy. now you remember how it was to be married and want to go back to that.

the nature of desire is its own continuation. even if you got exactly what you think you want, you will start to want something else instead, or your satisfaction will wear off and you will be unhappy again.

the only way out is to find out the root of desire.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Kinda but not in the sense of what you mean. Envy of cis women and their sexuality is a reason i will ctb. I am gender dysphoric and women flaunting their body/sexuality triggers me.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

As long as I can think back I was dreaming of a violent death. Extreme sexual masochism is the cause, I want to experience the process of dying and accept the inevitable but not wanted side effect of beeing dead. I suppressed my dark side over decades but now the fear of ending in a nursing home adds a second cause to kill myself. My sexuality should be a grace to overcome SI but unfortunuately aging reduces my fatal sexual desires.

 

[Ozzyno]

I grew up with a father that continuously created competition between me and my brothers… I have two older brothers, in my case my competition was between me and the middle one, he is extroverted but let's just say he was not the best at school, I was the opposite, so he used to humiliate me because of my lack of social skills and humiliate my brother because of his lack of knowledge/success at school/work.

Maybe you are wondering why I am telling you this, well because the answer to your question is yes. My mental health problem is related to sex, mainly the sense of loneliness I have, I really need validation from someone and I would do anything to have the warm feeling of someone appreciating me… it's so hard to live like this… I constantly feel like I need someone to show me I can be loved like he never did, every couple of weeks something happens and maybe I get a compliment so I feel good for a while then that energy evaporates and then anxiety begins…

In all of this he also convinced me unintentionally I think that my mother is a pathological liar, so I didn't trust her love and compliments she used to tell me. My mother ended up cheating on him so I also have a bad view of her… I can't deal with that middle brother because of that competition and he hates seeing me having economical success or just anything that resembles intelligence or knowledge. I've gone too far with this answer.

 

[S like suicide]

Kinda yes...because I am having problems down there and it's frustating,mind can fuck up also your body and sexuality unfortunately.

 

[alienfreak]

Growing up gay and closeted, i regularly observed homophobia from essentially all my family and classmates. I interpreted that as though they would reject me and hate me if they knew who i was. It meant i could not be close to anyone and maintained emotional distance. It gave me a strong desire for privacy and i had to lie and censor myself constantly. It meant I could not experience any form of young romantic love - everyone that was interested in me or vice versa was an incompatible orientation, as predetermined by statistics. I dont know how anyone can grow up like that and not be profoundly fucked up. Even recently in my 30s when i finally had a sexual relationship it fell apart largely because my partner had issues with his sexuality and he was afraid to come out. I have always hated it how some people seemingly make their sexuality their whole identity, but now i look back and see that it has always dominated my life in ways i didnt even realise. It had an absolutely brutal effect.

 

[SnowLeopard21]

I'm bisexual, and my first and only ex once told me that she "could never trust me around anyone". I know that she mostly said this to hurt me during an argument we had ages ago, but it still echoes in my head and it makes me wonder if I'll ever truly have a deep romantic connection with another person ever again or if I'll always be held at arm's distance because they can never, truly 100% trust me even when I'm with platonic friends I'd never consider sexual activity with. It'd be way easier to just swing one way or the other but being both is hell. Even worse is now I'm living in a place where it's frowned upon to have homosexual attraction, so even as a single person there is a significant part of my person I can no longer freely express due to fear of being ostracized or worse.
My parents resent me being the only unmarried child now. Hell, my youngest sibling is already married now too with talks of starting a family and my older sibling has two sons. I wish I could've been born normal, so I could've been accepted into society better, could've done all the normal person rites of passage, and been blissfully dumb.

 

[ForeverLonely82]

lack of sex would be my reason. I know,dumb, but the reason is I am coping and seething to those who can achieve that kind of intimacy. I enjoy kissing, holding, touching and making each other feel good,wanted and desired. I can't remember the last time I felt that way. I hadn't made love in almost a decade now. I been doing the "Teenage" thing where you view porn and get off using a masterbator (well I do anyway) while it scratches the itch when frustrated, it's just not the same of feeling wanted. However it's not just that though...I am loved by NO ONE. no friends, no one messages me on facebook or calls/texts me to see how I am doing, if I write them I get a short hand reply and then ghosted. My mother passed away the day before thanksgiving and i got a couple "Sorry man" but then when my brother wrote about it on his FB everyone in the family and some people I knew where offering condolences and things. Like I don't fucking matter. I know I don't now, but being reminded just makes it that much worse. all I know if I had a rare one who didn't mind that I was fat and on disability who can love me for what I am able to offer then none of that shit would matter, I would have someone on my team. thinks to look forward to. I can't even being to tell you all the last time I was actually happy. Shit life, Shit marriage, Shit existence. Glad my mom is at peace, and in a way, I am jealous of her. If there is anything I am angry at her for, and that is giving birth to me.

 

[Wezzy777]

Technically, yeah.

 

[Darkover]

lack of sex was the reason i become suicidal in the first place after my first relationship breakup after 2 and half years 20 years later still not move on from my first relationship

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Dating gets harder as you get older, when everyone has had experiences with past relationships and life that have haunted them, it's really sad. I know you must feel so lonely. It's awful how so many people are isolated once previous relationships and marriages fall apart.

Do you have any place you socialise online or offline, at all? It doesn't help with the lack of physical intimacy but even having one event a week where I could talk to another human face to face instead of sitting in front of my screens was helpful in distracting from some of the misery, when that opportunity was more readily available to me.

To answer your question, I suppose sexuality has played a role in all of this even though it isn't the main driver of why I am so miserable today. It was way more influential on my state of being as a kid, though, because I grew up in an extremely traditional and homophobic place. I learned the only way to survive was to suppress so much of my person that there was nothing left.

My entire family hated anything LGBT, and I was subjected to so much judgement and hatefulness because I was born liking both men and women, but I've always preferred women slightly more. In school, I was bullied constantly over it, and other girls actually wanted me banned from the locker area of my high school because they were disgusted they had to share it with "a gross dyke lesbian." I never got the true coming of age dating experience because there were practically no other gay women anywhere near my vicinity. Throughout my entire adolescence I can count on one hand the number of people who didn't torment or stay away from me for being openly gay.

Sexual abuse has made it really challenging to have intimacy in the same ways that normal people do. Whenever I look back, so many times I have had sex with my partners I was under the influence of alcohol, because I naturally don't really crave sex like most people do. Whenever I had surgery on my reproductive system, pretty much all of my sex drive was killed immediately. I feel very useless as a woman because every man I've been with has valued sex very highly and I am always a source of frustration because I can't put out enough for them. I feel like a sex doll rather than a human. Honestly I am completely fed up with heterosexual relationship dynamics and expectations, and am not all that attracted to men in the first place unless they have more soft, feminine features.

So often I am wishing I was with a woman instead, and thinking about how nice it was whenever I got to briefly cuddle and kiss another girl many years ago, but dating other girls is near impossible when you are disabled, quiet, traumatized, and all sorts of fucked up. (Also, I'm not butch, so that doesn't help because I prefer other femme girls). Whenever I play games and it involves some sort of romance I always pick the option that will let me date girls. I have just had to accept that I will never be with another woman, it's just another sore spot to add to the billions of other blows life has dealt me.

 

[Vicolo cieco]

Yes, I'm completely impotent. Because of that no woman will ever love me. I'll die without knowing how sex and affection feel like.