Is the goal life or suicide

[soapgoat]

I'm very curious if you guys have given up completely on trying to get better or if you still cling to hope. I've had 3 attempts but I ultimately would really like to keep living for God and loved ones. I don't think I can cope much longer unfortunately. Sometimes I feel like suicide is the goal and I'm doing my best to make sure it works out. Other times I hate ctb and see it as a last resort I should never try. If you could live a normal life would you or are you already too far gone?

 

[Odwin]

I was kinda in the same position three years ago. Got my SN at home and just decided before I'm doing something stupid, I just do what ever I want.
Learn things I want, do jobs I want, and so on. Got a lot of shit of it from family members, but fuck them I thought.

It is going pretty well since then.

What I wanna say. Before doing the last thing you do. Make sure you did everything before that. CTB is the last option, not one of the options,

 

[soapgoat]

I was kinda in the same position three years ago. Got my SN at home and just decided before I'm doing something stupid, I just do what ever I want.
Learn things I want, do jobs I want, and so on. Got a lot of shit of it from family members, but fuck them I thought.

It is going pretty well since then.

What I wanna say. Before doing the last thing you do. Make sure you did everything before that. CTB is the last option, not one of the options,

I'll really think about this reply thank you. my date is probably next week (flexible based on different circumstances) hopefully whatever happens it works out. If I fail a 4th time I'll probably tell my family to get help

 

[MyTimeIsUp]

I was set on suicide my entire life, until something shifted very recently. I can't describe it.. it's like a switch went off in my brain and I started to feel completely different. It was gradual, but quick if that makes sense? Given I'd spent my life feeling suicidal with many attempts.

Even typing this is odd. So many things have changed in the last few months. That tells me, I had to go through more trauma, similar to what I'd already been through, to make me realise I'm worth more than that and also, to help me FINALLY get away from it all and never look back. It's so weird how things have happened so fast.

I believe in the afterlife, because it's odd how I talk to my loved ones that have passed and the next day, things happen. Positive things. Things that wouldn't be possible unless they could hear me.

Honestly, for the FIRST time in my 35 years, I am actually happy. And I know it'll get even better, because of things that are currently happening in my life. I was fine with feeling content, but I actually feel happy. It's the small things that mean everything. I'm really looking forward to the future. Away from yet another abuser, start my new life, decorate my new place and things. The last time I go through that shit.

I feel like I've healed for the first time in my life. From absolutely everything. From the trauma when I was a baby, a child, a teenager, an adult. It's hard to describe. And I honestly never thought I'd ever say this. Like I said, I thought suicide would be my end. So many positive shifts, and that tells me, suicide won't be my end, and it isn't my time yet.

And, for the first time in my life last night I didn't have FUCKING NIGHTMARE OH MY GOD, I can't believe it. See? Healed. Healinggggg. I have only ever had nightmares since I was a child (yes, really), that comes with trauma that hasn't been dealt with, so I must've healed now. I was so happy when I woke up, remembered my dream, and thought, "odd dream lmao, but first time it wasn't a nightmare".

There's been so much trauma in my life. I won't go into it, there's no need, but let's just say this stuff fucks you for life, and it did, but if I can heal, others can too. Can't believe this. I feel like a different person, in terms of how I process things now. And if I can get away from abusers, anyone can. Not easy, no, it isn't, but it can be done.

Always remember to give yourself a break. Torturing yourself when you're already tormented from all the abuse you've suffered is not helpful, it'll only feed it and become a self fulfilling prophecy. Best to try and focus on the positives, even if it is TINY and everything else is negative - try it! One step at a time

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

I'd try to get better if I wouldn't be facing all the problems that pushed me even if I recovered. Ableism, transphobia, and my general inability to do anything by myself aren't going away anytime soon. At this point, even if I did get better, I'd think I would just end up back in the same place again in a year or two.

 

[idelttoilfsadness21]

I'm very curious if you guys have given up completely on trying to get better or if you still cling to hope. I've had 3 attempts but I ultimately would really like to keep living for God and loved ones. I don't think I can cope much longer unfortunately. Sometimes I feel like suicide is the goal and I'm doing my best to make sure it works out. Other times I hate ctb and see it as a last resort I should never try. If you could live a normal life would you or are you already too far gone?

I was where you were and if you hang onto that hope, then I hope you the best of luck especially when I know how hard it is (':

 

[Forever Sleep]

My goal is to live as painlessly as possible till I'm in a position I feel able to CTB. (Waiting for my Dad to go first.) So, it's kind of both for me. I'm not exactly expecting or working towards life getting better as such though. It's more like treading water and trying not to drown.

 

[SadRatQueen]

I gwt glimpses sometimes. Glimpses of a life that is pain feee and just pure joy.

It never lasts long, as I'm depressed mayne 85% of the year in comparison to 15% where I am not.

I'm almost 30 now. I'm ready to give up the towel, I just need to gain the courage to do so.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

Neither option apply at present. Taking things a day at a time. In process of moving to a new country. So it's too soon to say and it can go either way. Still get really dark days, so I'm grateful for knowing my method for when needed. Planning on getting sn as soon as I have an address. Anything can happen and I know enough to know I'm not near the recovery road, yet anyways.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

For me, the goal is suicide. I don't want to live through life. I want to avoid life.

 

[MetroPunk]

There's always a bit of hope but sometimes hope can be a negative thing. Sometimes you have to acknowledge the reality of your situation and do the hard thing. Why be a drain on society when you can remove yourself from the equation and in your own little way improve things? I speak for and of myself. Hope just seems childish or silly to me sometimes. Like hoping you're going to be saved when you're trapped in the middle of a five alarm fire. It's over for you at that point. Hope isn't changing a damn thing.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

My goal is suicide asap.

I would never want to live / exist / be conscious anyway under any circumstances

This hell was imposed on me

many reasons on top of reasons just some i can say that could happen to any sentient being

Don't read below unless u want to see horrible things that could happen

I could get brain damage today and for what

Terry schiavo got a heart attack at age 26, was "saved" and got brain damage . They kept her alive for many years with a feeding tube

Hope for what to get old to get cancer a stroke what?

I only really hope for my Death/ non-existence forever asap the only ultimate perfection

 

[FuneralCry]

I personally have no interest in suffering in this torturous, unnecessary existence, I just want to permanently cease existing instead, all I hope and wish for is to never suffer ever again, to me existence really does feel like an abomination that just causes harm and suffering with no limit as to how much agony one can feel, it's all just so dreadful to me and I personally see existence as deeply undesirable in every way. I see it as the most cruel, futile burden to be conscious in this existence capable of suffering to unlimited amounts, for me only non-existence is ideal, I'd always prefer to painlessly cease existing than prolong the suffering in this existence I never would have chosen just waiting to die anyway destined for nothing but to be tortured by old age.

I could personally never see any point to existence rather existence just feels like a mistake to me, it's just pointless suffering all for the sake of it and problems there was never a need for, I only hope to be non-existent, non-existence is peace for me. I'd never wish to be conscious of anything at all, the fact that this existence was imposed truly is the most terrible tragedy to me, I wish more than anything I was never forced to suffer in this existence and it's just extreme cruelty how I cannot just have the option to simply die in peace and never suffer ever again with suffering seen as to force and prolong instead until death takes away all anyway.

 

[Namelesa]

I would prefer to have any of these options but I am trapped here with little way out of my suffering. Tho if I could choose one it would be the suicide option.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

hope is not there, i cling in the hope to find hope, wich is weird but i feel like i want to improve my situation to be able to stay for my family, actually there is nothing that help me and so i'm in despair.

 

[L'absent]

I don't care in the slightest about existence. What should I hope for? We are not meant to be happy, but continually deceived. In the end I will say goodbye to the Sun in my own way.

 

[JesiBel]

The truth is that every day that passes is unbearable. I have tried hard to move forward and give life a chance, but nothing ever works out. I'm fed up, there's no point in filling myself with false hopes.

I'm just piling up days, one after another, only to feel miserable and see my efforts for nothing.

I am useless for this world, why should I stay here?

I've been on the forum for a few weeks now, I've been reading a lot. I'm calmer now, I've been able to choose my 'method'.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

The goal of a good and long life is suicide.

 

[human909]

For me it's suicide, I really am trying to avoid life as much as possible.

 

[pleaseiwanttogo]

Neither, I'm not trying to end it, I could do it if I decided to, and not trying to recover either, I don't believe there's a "recovery" for me, I'm just this pile of shit here. I'm just living, hating or getting bored of more and more things, putting myself in risk, being impulsive, not taking care of myself or my life and that's it. I'm just living.

 

[TheHolySword]

the goal isn't suicide, it's peace. peace just happens to be unobtainable in life so i choose death

 

[sloth112]

honestly it just depends on the day, sometimes I can wake up and have some motivation and actually think of not killing myself for a bit. but other times I've just lost all hope and want to die right this second. I guess I'm like 50/50 for now

 

[Forveleth]

Nah, I am done. Happy life. Sad life. Does not matter. I do not want to live.

 

[nomoredolor]

I answered in the poll trying hard to end it. My position feels strange though because for me it's both.

I *try* to take care of myself and my life in case things get better and to mitigate day to day stress. I brush my teeth and sleep and eat and go to Dr appts. I read and watch horror movies and try to do things I enjoy. I spend time with my loved ones playing board games or watching anime. I have a sex life. I exercise. But I spend each day in horrible physical and emotional pain. I have good times but they don't outweigh the bad times and suffering, Since my attempt and my best friend killing himself things have been severely dampened by grief. I spent 9 days inpatient and then this week I started intensive outpatient therapy 4/7 days.

However I believe regarding suicide it's not if but when. I have wanted to die since I was 12 in the early 2000s. I have purchased SN (not delivered yet), have picked out a green cemetery, have plans to rewrite all my notes and make more, and my Ctb kit is all purchased and with me or on its way. Down to adult diapers and plastic sheets. I bought concert tickets for September in the hopes of staying alive until October ish. I don't know if I will make it that long. But I want to make more art for my loved ones to remember me by and maybe write up a bit of a biography. I am in my early 30s. I am autistic and I feel all of the world's pain and my own so intensely and horribly. I am really good at masking so people don't believe me or understand my level of suffering. My loved ones were angry and somewhat blindsided when I attempted.

Wishing you well & thanks for reading,

Anna