Discussion Is there anyone else that always knew it’d end this way?

[dreamsofhome]

I don't know what it is, or how to explain it in the right words… but since I was a literal child, it's like I always knew that I'd end up going out by my own hand. That feeling just kept getting reinforced the older I got (I'm 28 now) and the more I lived/understood. I don't know if it's because I've never truly felt like I belonged here, belonged alive. My entire life has felt like everyone is in on some sort of secret and I didn't get the memo.

 

[whitenoise-]

yeah, i've definitely felt similarly. i would always have the thought as a child that even if i didn't ctb then, it didn't matter much since i would end up doing so once i become an adult and graduate anyways, and here i am now with nothing changing (: so now it just feels like it's been a long time coming. i think i've just never felt like i was fit for life, and i don't think i've ever trusted or believed in myself to adjust to life.

 

[getoutgirl]

Yep. Always had this engrained thought, like some gutural certainty that, unless it's some sudden accident, it'd be by my hand. Even when I was like 12 or smth I remember thinking that, and I wasn't even depressed yet, I was quite happy. But I knew. I'm actually working intermittenly on getting rid of that thought, It's not something nice to carry around even if it's not heavy in itself, just kind of there, if it is a core belief those act very sneaky. I'm sorry you have that too, maybe we can screw that voice out our brains some day, maybe even catch that memo. But shit its hard, so I feel you <3

 

[myfaultneverlived]

im in the same boat as well. i have distinct memories of fantasizing about suicide since at least the third grade. sometimes it feels like it was written in the stars or a memory of eternal recurrence that bled through reality to remind me of my past-future death

 

[needwaytohell]

Not way to early but the minute ugly society high IQ kids basically bullied and bossed around yeah. It was early middle school and I realised I could not do anything I just ended up doubting myself and eventually came to this conclusion (alongside many other factors).

 

[divinemistress36]

Ya since I was a kid I figured I would end up ctb I just thought it would have been by 30

 

[scribbledwaves]

My best friend talked me out of it at 15, and I've held on to 37. I think that's a great run but I'm exhausted.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I'm shocked I've made it to 26. Shocked I'll be turning 27. I really didn't think I'd make it past 25 but I'm still here and it feels... good sometimes, shocking othertimes, hurtful sometimes, scary othertimes.

I dunno. I'm not sure atm how it's going to end so.

 

[divinemistress36]

My best friend talked me out of it at 15, and I've held on to 37. I think that's a great run but I'm exhausted.

Im 37 to. I dont want to live to my 40s

 

[ForeverCaHa]

Yeah, I've always had this idea that I would die by suicide at some point. For some reason I'd always said 35.

I'm giving recovery a go, meds + psychiatric treatment, but I'm unsure how exactly these things will help me.

 

[areyousafe??]

Yep, I've always known that I will die by suicide at some point. This feeling of knowing that my death will be due to suicide kept getting reinforced the older I get. I'm certain that the day will come soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

This existence will always end in death no matter what and to not exist is all I personally hope for, I'd always prefer to not exist than be burdened with this cruel, torturous existence of suffering all for the sake of it where I just hope and wait to not exist anyway, wanting to not exist is all I know and my wish to cease existing is a response to existence itself. I just want all to finally be forgotten for me, I wish for no more suffering which is why I always suffer so much from how I cannot just have a death like falling into an eternal sleep.