Discussion Is this SI? I hate whatever it is

[AwakeTooLong]

Now that I'm literally a day away from killing myself, I've been experiencing this gnawing feeling in the pits of my stomach, It's giving me a lot of anxiety and mental discomfort, I feel nervous, I can't stop thinking about the consequences of my death, is this what you call SI?

I was pretty much at peace with my plan because suicide is the optimal course of action for me as I have nothing to live for anymore, so why am I feeling unsure suddenly? It's almost as if a part of me is secretly hoping that my life miraculously does a 180, and I abandon my plans? How do I deal with this? Why am I not happy anymore knowing my suffering would come to an end if go ahead with this?

 

[sximii]

Yeah I definitely understand that. I'm not sure what you could do in that situation, maybe distract yourself? Take anxiety medication? Something to take your mind off of it until the moment itself. Just my advice, don't do it if you're not completely sure. Entirely up to you but make sure you consult with yourself and decide this is the right decision.

 

[-Link-]

In discerning whether you're just feeling instinct-based anxiety or you're actually not ready to die, this is where you'd ideally have access to professional counsel as would be the case if we were afforded medically-assisted dying services. In the absence of these services, I'm not sure what the answers are.

I'm very sorry you're forced to be so alone in dealing with this.

I wish I had better insight to offer.

Whatever conclusion you come to, I hope it's the right one for you, and whether it's life or death, I hope you're able to reconcile with your decision.

 

[OptingOutSmiling]

I don't know... I guess it's the unknown? Not knowing what could've been if we didn't end things, the finality involved. Whatever you decide, I think you need to be sure it is right for you, and what you want to do, or not. If there is hope, who knows what is possible, but it's up to you. All the best

 

[AwakeTooLong]

Yeah I definitely understand that. I'm not sure what you could do in that situation, maybe distract yourself? Take anxiety medication? Something to take your mind off of it until the moment itself. Just my advice, don't do it if you're not completely sure. Entirely up to you but make sure you consult with yourself and decide this is the right decision.

I've been distracting myself with music, I'm positive this feeling is going to stick till the end, and will likely get worse. My rational mind is completely sure that this is my only way out, and yet I feel otherwise, which is what confuses me so much.

 

[Valhala]

If you have already made a decision about CTB, you are rationally ready for it. Everything else that hinders you, hinders you, generates fear and uncertainty about it is your SI exclusively because, if there was any other reason, you simply did not realize that it in fact, you don't even want to give up on CTB. How to defeat SI is the question of all questions, it is neither easy nor simple and is actually one of the key problems of the planned CTB.

 

[Kalista]

Is this SI? I hate whatever it is

it can be, and i would say that IT IS survival instinct. you know what's coming very soon, now there's fear rising. the mind is reacting because it's actually about to happen and not only spoken. action being different from words.
a part of it is also because of how your mind has been 'trained to live' since you were very little. learned to go through one struggle after another for years. to get through the fear of killing yourself, you'd have to basically train your mind to think differently

one thing people need to be aware of is 'fear' does not equal 'wanting to continue to live.' just because you're afraid to kill yourself, doesn't mean you don't need or want to die.

 

[L'absent]

All changes are scary. We tend to resist before a trip, before a diet, before losing our virginity. Our rational mind knows what is right, but madness is much stronger than reason. We tend to live an unhappy life because happiness costs sacrifice. An old saying goes "they lived unhappily because it was cheaper". The classic resistance that tells you "you know what you leave and you don't know what you find" has been activated. We may be suicidal our whole life, but we live in a pro-life society. The pro-life imprinting is therefore firmly in our minds, and here it comes. Against all logic he is sabotaging you. Try writing on a piece of paper all the reasons why you want to end your existence. Then try writing on another piece of paper what you expect from the future if you continue to live. Finally, take a third sheet of paper and write down what has made this life fulfilling to you so far. Re-read them several times a day until the chosen date.

 

[zekeyaeger]

Same shit is happening to me. I don't know how to deal with it.

 

[Tarinel]

Same thing happen to me today as i was about to ctb via SN. I just don't know what to do anymore

 

[stopwizard]

Unfortunately yes, humans are wired to fall back on SI; you're brain has recognized that it is in danger and is using your body's natural preventative measures to protect itself. The human mind is extremely complicated.

I sympathize, I have set dates and made plans to ctb twice now, and I would even find myself excited right up until the day before/day off and I would never follow through for whatever reason.

Whatever your decision may be, I hope you have considered it thoroughly and are gentle and kind to yourself in the meantime.

 

[illAF]

Now that I'm literally a day away from killing myself, I've been experiencing this gnawing feeling in the pits of my stomach, It's giving me a lot of anxiety and mental discomfort, I feel nervous, I can't stop thinking about the consequences of my death, is this what you call SI?

Woae. This is so relatable. I feel exactly the same. Courage, youre not alone <3

 

[dontwakemeup]

I can't advise you what to you, it's ultimately your decision and one that will cost you something forever! Of course we all wish death, it's the ultimate goal, BUT you may wake up alive if your plan doesn't work.

From my personal experience and I've had several attempts. All my attempts were the same, 1 slightly out of the ordinary.

Everyday, I'm in mental pain, trauma, etc. It finally comes to a point that I just can't do it anymore, so I quickly plan in that moment. I've never set a date, (except once) I become the happiest I've ever been that day. Everything is so clear, I'm elated. I smell the air, I hear the birds, I notice the flowers I've always stepped over, and I smile at everyone I passbye because I know this is my last day in mental hell.

I do my method and lay in bed and prepare to die. I'm in a rush so I don't care to say goodbye, I simply don't have the time as I feel I'm fading to black soon. But I'll stop there. I have never for a second in any of my attempts thought, oh no, I shouldn't have done that. I was very comfortable and very confident in the decision I made.

Waking up alive is a terrible and emotional process. I don't how others felt, but it's horrible.

I will advise this to you. If at any point you are not comfortable or have second thoughts that is perfectly normal and OK, suicide is a big decision. Keep chatting here, there is always someone who will respond. Maybe start writing goodbye notes and see how you feel after that. Hopefully that was helpful to you.

As always, I wish you the best whatever road you decide