Venting Isolated and lost

[etheral]

I work in a remote position meaning I always work from home. I have a lot of freedom and for a while I thought it's what I've always wanted, but things have changed. The projects I'm working on are annoying and have me on the verge of a boreout, a few of my colleagues left (and since I don't have any IRL friends they're probably the closest I get to social interaction) among other things. I've been looking for other positions but haven't had much luck so far.

But my bigger issue is that it made me realize how bad my social anxiety is at this point. I've always been introverted and therefor constructed a perfectly isolated environment. Living alone and working from home, all the people I talk to are online, family lives quite a bit away, even my groceries are being delivered to my doorstep. There's times where I don't leave my apartment for weeks except things like taking out the trash. It makes me worry about how I could ever do another job where I have to be in an office or find friends when even simple things like going outside for a walk or buying groceries gives me extreme anxiety. I've tried taking small steps to fight it but it's very hard. Therapy didn't help.

I feel lost, depressed and like a disappointment. Maybe someone can relate to that or is in a similar situation.
The option to ctb is constantly in my head. if nothing else works at least there is a way out of all the pain I'm feeling, even though my family would be devastated.

 

[JusMe]

I totally get you, it sucks when you physically can't bring yourself to interact with other people. Just know you're not a disappointment, you're going through something tremendously difficult and you should give yourself some grace for that!!! I was in a similar position to you right after my mom died where I just isolated myself as a coping mechanism. I got a part-time job as a cashier, which really helped my social skills because 90% of the job is talking to other people. If you have the energy for it, maybe you could try to find some sort of part time customer service job? Bonus if you can find a place that has awesome coworkers!! The grocery store I work at has helped me meet so many awesome people :) I believe in you!! There's so many more options you can consider to try and work on your feelings of isolation. It sucks but putting yourself out there definitely works!!! Wishing you the best of luck friend, you're loved and there's people that care about you ! <3

 

[etheral]

I totally get you, it sucks when you physically can't bring yourself to interact with other people. Just know you're not a disappointment, you're going through something tremendously difficult and you should give yourself some grace for that!!! I was in a similar position to you right after my mom died where I just isolated myself as a coping mechanism. I got a part-time job as a cashier, which really helped my social skills because 90% of the job is talking to other people. If you have the energy for it, maybe you could try to find some sort of part time customer service job? Bonus if you can find a place that has awesome coworkers!! The grocery store I work at has helped me meet so many awesome people :) I believe in you!! There's so many more options you can consider to try and work on your feelings of isolation. It sucks but putting yourself out there definitely works!!! Wishing you the best of luck friend, you're loved and there's people that care about you ! <3

I really appreciate your kind words and I'm glad to hear that you've managed to overcome it :)
I have worked in a customer service job before and at the time I was definitely doing much better and met great people, but it also made me realize that constant customer interaction is probably not my thing. Over time I lost all the contacts I had from back then. I also don't mind the benefits of having the freedom I have now (like taking a nap whenever I feel like :) )
I just hate that I can't function normally anymore. I'd love to put myself more out there, like going to the gym etc. but the thought of it alone gives me extreme anxiety. I hope I can somehow overcome it one day before it's too late.

 

[legoshi]

I feel you. I work with people and I can't even brink myself to talk to them. Only time I leave my place is to get groceries, gym, or to go to work. in my mind I would like to talk to people but it just doesn't come out. If they don't talk to me we are not going to speak.

 

[Forever Sleep]

This is me exactly. I've lived alone for well over 20 years. I've worked alone for 7 years. I exercise at home. Last year was pretty ridiculous. Work was crazy busy. I also get everything delivered. I'm not sure I left the house asides from taking the rubbish out for 10 months!

Naturally, it felt utterly bizarre when I finally had to to post off Christmas cards. I have recently seen family which, fortunately went better than expected.

I'm not so bad with strangers, travel etc. but work situations are something else. I felt I had to try a more stable job a while back working with people and I was such a mess. Working in my actual creative field around others is many times worse. Again, similar to you, social anxiety but I also hate to fail in front of others (as well as speak, eat, just be visible!) It just shatters my confidence.

So, I think I likely feel identicle to you in many ways. It's like I've pampered to my own insecurities by isolating and made them much worse. I only hope I can financially sustain working alone until I can end things.

I suppose it's frustrating though because, sometimes job opportunities do come up which would be a huge step up but I know in my heart how much I'd struggle with them when they involve working around others.

Do you ever wonder where you'd be if you didn't have all this? When I did actually work with others, I used to wonder if any had insecurities like this. I used to feel kind of envious that they likely didn't experience all this. It feels like a handicap of sorts. Still, I also know that's unfair to compare it to that seeing as I should have done more to overcome it. I have a suspicion the only way around it is exposure to the thing we fear the most. Have you tried that? For me, the fear of doing it is much more intense than any feelings of loneliness (which I thankfully don't experience much,) or, regret/ desire for a better life.

 

[etheral]

I feel you. I work with people and I can't even brink myself to talk to them. Only time I leave my place is to get groceries, gym, or to go to work. in my mind I would like to talk to people but it just doesn't come out. If they don't talk to me we are not going to speak.

Yeah, being able to just talk to strangers would make so many things so much easier. I hope you'll make it out of there <3

This is me exactly. I've lived alone for well over 20 years. I've worked alone for 7 years. I exercise at home. Last year was pretty ridiculous. Work was crazy busy. I also get everything delivered. I'm not sure I left the house asides from taking the rubbish out for 10 months!

Naturally, it felt utterly bizarre when I finally had to to post off Christmas cards. I have recently seen family which, fortunately went better than expected.

I'm not so bad with strangers, travel etc. but work situations are something else. I felt I had to try a more stable job a while back working with people and I was such a mess. Working in my actual creative field around others is many times worse. Again, similar to you, social anxiety but I also hate to fail in front of others (as well as speak, eat, just be visible!) It just shatters my confidence.

So, I think I likely feel identicle to you in many ways. It's like I've pampered to my own insecurities by isolating and made them much worse. I only hope I can financially sustain working alone until I can end things.

I suppose it's frustrating though because, sometimes job opportunities do come up which would be a huge step up but I know in my heart how much I'd struggle with them when they involve working around others.

Do you ever wonder where you'd be if you didn't have all this? When I did actually work with others, I used to wonder if any had insecurities like this. I used to feel kind of envious that they likely didn't experience all this. It feels like a handicap of sorts. Still, I also know that's unfair to compare it to that seeing as I should have done more to overcome it. I have a suspicion the only way around it is exposure to the thing we fear the most. Have you tried that? For me, the fear of doing it is much more intense than any feelings of loneliness (which I thankfully don't experience much,) or, regret/ desire for a better life.

It's good to know I'm not alone with my experience and bad habit of isolating myself. It definitely sounds like we are living similar lifes in many ways.

Talking to people I don't know too well is always a struggle for me. That's also why I mentioned a few of my coworkers leaving since I had a really good connection with them (even if it was online, we had similar interests). Now it's like I'm on my own.
The company I work for does team events in person every now and then and those are my worst nightmares. I do tend to turn down invitations but sometimes I force myself to actually go, even if it's hard. I hate being out there, like you said, being visible. I'd rather be locked inside doing my work without having to interact with others so much.

Regarding the missed job opportunities you mentioned, I definitely had a few of those. A while ago companies would offer me interviews left and right but I turned them down, in fear of having to challenge my anxiety, having to interact with new people etc. I do wonder where I could be today, not sure if for the better or worse.
And although I'm lucky enough to have a relatively safe job, I do tend to struggle with loneliness quite a lot, especially recently.

Like you I wonder if others have these problems too. Does it also make you feel like an outsider sometimes, seeing how effortlessly others handle these things, wishing you could be like them?
Yes I set all of this up myself, but I never expected it to go this bad. And now it feels almost impossible to escape it. Maybe it's something that can never be fixed.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yeah, being able to just talk to strangers would make so many things so much easier. I hope you'll make it out of there <3

It's good to know I'm not alone with my experience and bad habit of isolating myself. It definitely sounds like we are living similar lifes in many ways.

Talking to people I don't know too well is always a struggle for me. That's also why I mentioned a few of my coworkers leaving since I had a really good connection with them (even if it was online, we had similar interests). Now it's like I'm on my own.
The company I work for does team events in person every now and then and those are my worst nightmares. I do tend to turn down invitations but sometimes I force myself to actually go, even if it's hard. I hate being out there, like you said, being visible. I'd rather be locked inside doing my work without having to interact with others so much.

Regarding the missed job opportunities you mentioned, I definitely had a few of those. A while ago companies would offer me interviews left and right but I turned them down, in fear of having to challenge my anxiety, having to interact with new people etc. I do wonder where I could be today, not sure if for the better or worse.
And although I'm lucky enough to have a relatively safe job, I do tend to struggle with loneliness quite a lot, especially recently.

Like you I wonder if others have these problems too. Does it also make you feel like an outsider sometimes, seeing how effortlessly others handle these things, wishing you could be like them?
Yes I set all of this up myself, but I never expected it to go this bad. And now it feels almost impossible to escape it. Maybe it's something that can never be fixed.

Weirdly, my anxieties are kind of specific. I'm actually not so bad at striking up conversations- say on a bus or train with someone I don't know.

If my former workplace ordered food in though or, had a party, I'd be a total mess. I couldn't even eat at all once, I felt so scared! Plus, I hated meetings where you had to talk in front of others.

My most debilitating problem though is working in front of others. If I screw up or receive criticism, I just kind of implode inside. I still do my best to carry on but, it's terrible and it usually then leads to further consecutive mistakes.

I feel an outsider in some ways because I don't really share the same interests as a lot of people. Most of my peers have partners/ boyfriends/ children/ go on holidays/ like feminine things so- there's no common ground there. My interests are more niche really in creative things so, I kind of accept that I tend to relate better to people with those same shared interests/ concerns.

In terms of attitude, I've probably used reverse psychology on myself and tried to convince myself I wouldn't actually want to be like them or, part of their 'click'. Not sure whether that's true! But, I've probably liked the idea of being an 'outsider' to some degree.

I suppose I do envy their confidence though. I wonder how much easier life would be without so much self doubt and insecurity. But then, talking to people sometimes I've realised that others do actually struggle. Maybe they're just better at masking it though.

I think it could be fixed but I think to do that, we'd have to expose ourselves to social situations. Then, we'd need enough positive experiences to convince us to keep going. Plus, the initial negative experience here and there could feel way worse than we already feel. That's the problem I wrestle with. Why coax myself out my comfortable isolation if I risk really horrible experiences along with (maybe) a few nice ones? Would it really be worth it? I hope you do make it through though.