Well, in my case, I've always had both my parents around to keep me company, so, I suppose in some sense, I've never been
that isolated, but enh. It doesn't really amount to much in the end. Outside of them (including my brother), I literally haven't spoken to, or interacted with, anyone at all within the last 11 years. Only exceptions being rare throwaway encounters (like when I've gone to the dentist or briefly spoken with a relative over the phone, for instance). I've also never had any online acquaintances, let alone friends, and have barely said much of anything online, barring my scribblings on this website I guess. I spend all day in my room, heavy curtains permanently drawn, only leaving to use the bathroom or to get food/water. Cumulatively speaking, I'd say my time outside in these last 11 years more than likely amounts to less than 150 hours, although, naturally, I can't pinpoint the exact figure for certain (might be a little more, but not by much). We also used to have a cat I was pretty close with. He was pretty much the only living thing I've ever known whom I could've ever defined as a friend (besides my mother, that is), but, unfortunately (although not unexpectedly), he died a couple years ago at the ripe old age of 19 1/2 years old. At this point, it's really just me and her, since, truth be told, I don't really interact with my father much these days. Not for any particular reason mind you. I just don't have anything to say to him really. Not to mention, my father, despite being a bit of a basement dweller himself, often tends to be coming and going a lot of the time, whereas my mother is either always at her computer or asleep in her bed. In many ways, she's as reclusive as I am. She goes out driving at night pretty frequently and can easily talk with strangers (which is something I can't even fathom doing), so, ultimately, she's not as bad/reclusive as I am, but still pretty close. Close enough to understand me far more than anyone else would. My life would honestly be hell without her. Having said that, I often find myself worrying for her health these days. It pains me to admit that she's starting to get up there in years (just like our cat eventually did) and when you combine this fact with her long standing weight problems/poor eating habits it's just...... I don't know what I can do to to help her. I'm just always fearing for the worst to happen. I don't mean to come off like an asshole, but it just scares me. Without her I'd have no one. No one to talk to, no one to shield me, no one who can understand. Thinking about all this never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable & panicked. All I can do is try to push it all from my mind, while the inevitable creeps its way ever closer. I just wish I could die first, so I don't have to be the one who gets left behind in a shattered world of excruciating grief/sorrow with no hope of ever being able to put it back together. God, how I wish I could die first.
More than that, and outside of, again, just dying and getting it over with already, I really wish I could just live out the rest of my days in a Yume Nikki styled apartment suspended in an endless sky. Exploring my dreams in peace. Laying out on the balcony feeling the night air lightly breeze against me. Free from causing or being victim to any more suffering or tragedy. I'd like that all very much.
