it angers me that nobody even tries to understand

[depthss]

i have made posts before on here about how i feel about dying. i am not depressed, stressed, grieving, or in any type of crisis. i have a very very intense fascination and interest in death, to the point where i want to kill myself. i am do not want to kill myself because i am miserable, rather, i am miserable solely because i am alive. i do partial for short periods of time to feel closer to dying, ive started to eat less so i can look more dead and even feel more dead, with being sickly, i have fully white coloured contacts, and i watch halloween dead body/zombie makeup tutorials.
it makes me angry when people keep saying that they 'know how hard it is, but i can find the light', or that 'its normal to feel suicidal after being miserable/overwhelmed for so long', even after i keep telling them that i just do not feel any of these things. i post about it on other forums and talk directly to people irl and online, and nobody listens to that part, its like they just shut it out.
i understand that this is not a common feeling, so i wouldnt blame people for not getting it right away. but over and over again, and nobody listens to me. it just makes me angry. i used to pretend to not feel this way, and pretend i wanted to die because of pain, but ive recently just stopped caring about pretending, im going to do it soon anyways, im just waiting on a sign from someone i know

 

[dontwakemeup]

Why don't you go visit cemeteries and enjoy the scenery and atmosphere. I think that would be something you would enjoy and make you happy.

 

[depthss]

Why don't you go visit cemeteries and enjoy the scenery and atmosphere. I think that would be something you would enjoy and make you happy.

yes, ive wanted to do that for awhile now, im thinking i may go sometime soon

 

[dontwakemeup]

yes, ive wanted to do that for awhile now, im thinking i may go sometime soon

I really think that would be a start. I use to fantasize about walking around them and sitting in there for hours. It won't bother anyone, so yeah, definitely do it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think maybe because people can't envisage someone truly seeing death and the experience of dying as a positive thing. They probably feel more comfortable with people who either fear it to some degree (even suicidal people quite often fear the actual process,) or, who see it as their last resort to escape.

Either way maybe because they have some idea there's a way back for them. The whole: 'You don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop.' Someone who actually wants to experience death I imagine could be more of a challenge to 'save'.

May I ask you a question though? If you get sincere pleasure out of all things death, are you afraid that when you die for real, you'll no longer experience that? Or, is it more just a coping mechanism to get through life while you have to?

 

[depthss]

yeah, i agree. most people just aren't used to this thought process. since most people like being alive, they just can't really understand another perspective.
im not afraid that i wont experience that pleasure, i know that i wont, i wont feel anything, i dont personally subscribe to any religion. i see life as temporary, i dont really see anything as all that important or meaningful, and i know that it will all end eventually. so im not worried about losing this pleasure, or any other pleasure, because everything about me will be lost eventually. dying would make me happy while i am alive, and nothing will make me feel anything when im dead, so to me, it just wont matter. i like the idea of just being nothing, im excited to die, and to have no awareness. everything would just be fully 'neutral' almost. i dont know if that makes much sense, its hard for me to explain, sorry lol

 

[Surai]

You will see with all organisms and animals that we are all inherently selfish. It allows us to keep moving even when others are falling around us. People are only nice because they are trying to curry favor or are in a position of weakness. the reason they tell you to find the light or they know how hard it is is because they dont want to hear how hard it is to you they want to compare their own struggles to stroke their own ego of what they went through and telling you to find the light because its easier that way (to solve this little problem)(problem solving is fun but we would rather do it the easiest way or should I say nature would) instead of actually trying to solve your problem. the sad reality of the world is no one really cares about the individual except ourselves and nature condones it

 

[depthss]

I think maybe because people can't envisage someone truly seeing death and the experience of dying as a positive thing. They probably feel more comfortable with people who either fear it to some degree (even suicidal people quite often fear the actual process,) or, who see it as their last resort to escape.

Either way maybe because they have some idea there's a way back for them. The whole: 'You don't want to die, you just want the pain to stop.' Someone who actually wants to experience death I imagine could be more of a challenge to 'save'.

May I ask you a question though? If you get sincere pleasure out of all things death, are you afraid that when you die for real, you'll no longer experience that? Or, is it more just a coping mechanism to get through life while you have to?

yeah, i agree. most people just aren't used to this thought process. since most people like being alive, they just can't really understand another perspective.
im not afraid that i wont experience that pleasure, i know that i wont, i wont feel anything, i dont personally subscribe to any religion. i see life as temporary, i dont really see anything as all that important or meaningful, and i know that it will all end eventually. so im not worried about losing this pleasure, or any other pleasure, because everything about me will be lost eventually. dying would make me happy while i am alive, and nothing will make me feel anything when im dead, so to me, it just wont matter. i like the idea of just being nothing, im excited to die, and to have no awareness. everything would just be fully 'neutral' almost. i dont know if that makes much sense, its hard for me to explain, sorry lol

 

[Forever Sleep]

yeah, i agree. most people just aren't used to this thought process. since most people like being alive, they just can't really understand another perspective.
im not afraid that i wont experience that pleasure, i know that i wont, i wont feel anything, i dont personally subscribe to any religion. i see life as temporary, i dont really see anything as all that important or meaningful, and i know that it will all end eventually. so im not worried about losing this pleasure, or any other pleasure, because everything about me will be lost eventually. dying would make me happy while i am alive, and nothing will make me feel anything when im dead, so to me, it just wont matter. i like the idea of just being nothing, im excited to die, and to have no awareness. everything would just be fully 'neutral' almost. i dont know if that makes much sense, its hard for me to explain, sorry lol

No need to apologise and, you do make sense. I've actually felt that people who don't fear death have an advantage in general. It must be awful to fear the inevitable.

I've long felt like I didn't fear death itself although, it's hard to be really sure I guess until it's imminent. I do still fear the process of dying unfortunately.

I know what you mean though. I'm happy for people who do find meaning in life. I have at times but overall, it's not something I see as being precious enough to fear losing. It's really just become a series of tedious obligations for me. I'm looking forward to resigning!