Help It comes in waves...

[Peachycherry]

I like to imagine my life as being in the middle of an ocean. I'm sure most of you can relate to the scene I'm about to depict; mental illness is often compared to coming in waves. Right now, my head is over the water. I've managed to come back to the surface, after being submerged by a small wave for a while. Getting to see the surface after so long is rewarding; I don't have to struggle to catch my breath anymore. If I look at the horizon, I can even see the shore, with all its liveliness and awaiting opportunities. The problem is actually getting there. I'm already exhausted from fighting the previous wave, and I'm not even sure if I'll have enough energy to swim to the shore. Would it even be worth it? What if the shore ends up being unreachable? If I turn around, I can already make out a bigger wave approaching. Will I even survive this one?
What I mean by this metaphor is; how do you get yourself together in that small window of time where your mental illness isn't so bad? I feel like I finally have the opportunity to reach out for help, but it won't be so long before another wave of depression gets me distressed enough where I'll be considering suicide again. I've had a brief moment of epiphany this week where I've realised that I can't do this to my family; it wouldn't be fair for me to ctb without at least reaching out for help from them. Mind you, that I've never been able to approach them to speak about my anxiety/depression.

If anyone else has been in that situation before I'd be immensely grateful if you could share your experiences with me, what made you reach out for help in the first place, were there some tips that made hanging on to life easier for the time being?

 

[Weather]

Those are very good questions. I wish I had good answers, but I don't. I don't want you to feel like no one cares, though -- I do. I just don't know what to say that could be helpful.

I suppose I've been swimming long enough that my family knows when I'm starting to sink, and I can just say something like, "I'm not feeling well" and cry. No one has really been able to help, but they give me space, I guess. My spouse takes over most of the daily tasks so I can spend my very limited energy where I most need to.

As far as hanging on, I honestly don't know. I guess I have this really strong sense of obligation; perhaps you do too. I feel like I need to get things done and take care of others (my family, my students, my colleagues, my clients (back when that was my work), etc.). I end up with such long lists of "what I have to do before I sink" that I guess it makes me tread water while I work on it until, eventually, the crisis -- the wave -- passes again.

Why have you decided to reach out for help now? Perhaps the answer to that can help answer some of your other questions. I'm glad that you have decided to see if there is anything that can help before you give in to the tide.

 

[Peachycherry]

Those are very good questions. I wish I had good answers, but I don't. I don't want you to feel like no one cares, though -- I do. I just don't know what to say that could be helpful.

I suppose I've been swimming long enough that my family knows when I'm starting to sink, and I can just say something like, "I'm not feeling well" and cry. No one has really been able to help, but they give me space, I guess. My spouse takes over most of the daily tasks so I can spend my very limited energy where I most need to.

As far as hanging on, I honestly don't know. I guess I have this really strong sense of obligation; perhaps you do too. I feel like I need to get things done and take care of others (my family, my students, my colleagues, my clients (back when that was my work), etc.). I end up with such long lists of "what I have to do before I sink" that I guess it makes me tread water while I work on it until, eventually, the crisis -- the wave -- passes again.

Why have you decided to reach out for help now? Perhaps the answer to that can help answer some of your other questions. I'm glad that you have decided to see if there is anything that can help before you give in to the tide.

Thank you for your reply, I understand you couldn't give me a ton of answers, it's exactly what I'm struggling with as well. You actually gave me an idea when you talked about your obligations; I've been thinking about publishing some fan works I've written. It'll give me something to work on, that's for sure. As for what's pushing me to reach out, I'm not really sure. I think it's mostly from the guilt of wanting to leave my family behind. They didn't really do me any bad, so I wouldn't want them to have to deal with my death, especially if I don't give them a chance to help me first.
Thanks for caring, your answers were more helpful than you think.

 

[waived]

That feeling you have of reaching out to family, so long as they are trusted and safe for you to be around, is a good feeling, at least in so far as my experience with it (and it is real). My opinion is that you should seize that as your thing. I do my best to have an array of distracting activities that work to some degree. I recently wrote out a plan to approach diet, doctor, dentist, in that specific order and was surprised that it's not that far off on the timeline or that much work. I write things out even if they're poorly written because it takes time. I have secret places all around the city that represent the shoreline so I can get up and just go because waves aren't always as tall all the way across them (?).

 

[Gentleman]

I love your metaphor. Hope things get better for you.