My real name is Chimere.
Pronounced Sha Mirror.
When I was little I hated my name.
I didn't get it.
I wondered why I couldn't be a Katie or Kelly or something simple like that.
Never realized how special I was because it's not a common name.
Especially how mines is spelled. There's a handful of us. But still somehow after learning others do have the name where ever I went I was the only one.
In my early 20s when I was married and living in Oklahoma with my then husband I used to babysit a sweet child named Dasia.
She couldn't say my name she would say Sha Mi Mi.
And that's how Mi Mi was born.
Ironic as a child, about 7 I believe I remembered having a childhood friend we called Mi Mi.
Later in life I would learn she was called Mi Mi because her actual name was Chimere.
What a odd full circle.
Anyway I tell that little tale to say that I really hate how often I think Not one soul on earth truly knows Chimere.
They don't know how Mi Mi was created from Chimere. How different they are.
How Mi Mi was created to protect and be who Chimere needed to be.
I hate how now after so many decades when I look back over my life and I think about myself and the people I've met.
How I really don't think I ever loved them.
I think I tried because who doesn't want to love in life.
Who doesn't want love in life.
But my depression was I suppose dormant and I had no idea how it affected me.
Add to that a loveless mother ,you get this being who isn't evil or harmful but she's not capable of love. She desperately wants to be loved but still has no idea what exactly that is or how it looks.
Now here I am at 43 and often the thought that not one soul on this earth knows me. Whether it be Chimere or Mi Mi they don't know me.
Didn't spend time getting to know me.
Didn't care to try to know me.
When I die there won't be a homegoing where people will get up and say kind words about me or tell memorable stories about me.
They won't say my smile lit up a room.
Especially because for years I taught myself not to smile.
They won't say how my presence filled the room or how I was the life of the party.
They would be lying if they did.
Not because those things about me aren't true but because how would they really know that.
Things I remember being said about me over my life were how evil I was.
I was selfish.
As a child I was talkative but as I got older I became mute. So I went from getting in trouble for talking to much to never speaking again and known as the quiet kid.
I was told I was funny. I've always been the funny girl and able to make people laugh. It came naturally to me.
So as I think about love and knowing me. The two go hand in hand for me.
How can you say you love me when you don't know me.
You don't know my personality.
You don't know how I came to be.
You don't know how things affected me and how I chose things I did as a result.
And I hate to admit it but it does hurt that when I'm gone no one will remember or care because how can you when in life you have no idea who I am.
You don't know why I stopped smiling as a girl.
You don't know that I used my humor to protect me from being hurt.
You don't know that I taught myself to accept being ugly and I knew I would be treated differently so therefore I worked hard on my personality.
You don't know that I loved singing.
You don't know that I used to love English and writing stories and poems.
You don't know that I had nightmares majority of my life. Repetitive ones too.
You don't know that as I child I was picky with food and over years became a foodie.
You don't know that the only kinda dream I had in life was to be a model.
I'm tall and I was skinny so I thought what a good way to build myself esteem and get revenge on those who teased me.
You don't know that I actually can't count money..I can't tell time on a clock..I cant add or subtract in my head. I had to use my fingers and toes on math tests.
Till this day I still can't count...I do it slowly and I still may get it wrong.
You don't know that I had not 1 but 2 abortions.
The second one only a few people knew but I went alone and I got a hotel room to recover in to keep it a secret.
You don't know that my biggest regret is I cheated on my husband and treated him horribly. That time in my life was so significant that it was turning point for me. For many years I thought I was being punished in life because that was the most horrible thing I had ever done and couldn't believe I did it.
You don't know that I never had a favorite color until I was older.
Silver.
Then I began to love yellow.
So when it came to home decor or jewelry I love silver or white gold and for color I'm drawn to yellow.
You don't know that I have a green birthmark on my back. 2 tats on my sternum..1 trampstamp on my lower back...2 finger tats...1 rib tat and 1 tat behind my ear. You don't know the stories behind those tats.
You don't know when I had my first anxiety attack and how I ignored it.
You don't know when I became suicidal.
You don't know what led up to it.
You never asked me about it or why.
You don't know that i skipped school and hid in my closet till you left.
And one time hiding in my closet I caught you stealing money from me.
You don't know that I was bullied by my own friend because of a mistake I made.
You don't know that i was a bully to a supposed to be friend.
You don't know that I decided to go mute for a month to see who would notice and no one did.
And I'm supposed to believe you love me and know none of these things.
Never cared to ask.
Then had the audacity to wonder or question why I never cared to ask or know about you.
I spent my whole life protecting myself.
Learning how to get over hurt.
Learning how to accept things I really didn't want.
Learning how to be alone and bury the pain.
I did it so well that I got used to it.
The only consistent true love I ever had was depression.
They say it lies to you but I can't tell because who really loves me.
Who really knows me.
This whole time this so called loving me really is just obligation and knowing of me for a long time.
And on top of that no answers as to why.
With the exception of 1 person.
Not 1 could give me an answer as to why I was ignored
Excluded
Unloved
And that 1 person who could give a reason still actually forgave me.
And I think if I said I still love you let's get back together I think he might.
He was the one I called on my last suicide attempt.
He's the only one where we don't talk often. But when we do it's genuine.
He might miss me or be sad if he's told I've died. But I think he expects it as well so it won't be shocking or too hard to handle.
I would be lying if I said that once I die and my god please I hope I die...that I don't have moments where I hope the few people that come to mind don't feel sick to their stomachs.
Have flashbacks of moments they wish they could do over with me.
Feel guilty over me.
Play what ifs in their mind over me.
Feel haunted by me.
Why should I be the only one to suffer with these unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Then I stop myself and tell myself that's not what I really want.
I'm just hurt and confused.
And I wouldn't even treat a person I hate the way I feel I've been treated.
And even if those things did happen I won't get to know and see it.
And it won't make me feel better.
I just have to focus on the goal and the goal is a peaceful, quiet, painless, quick death.
It's not about them anymore.
Can't change what happened.
And it will all be over once I'm dead.
They say if you hold grudges or don't forgive you take it with you.
I don't believe that.
I believe then is when it will truly be gone.
To me with death all those things just disappear.
That's what I really want.
To be done remembering, done holding on too, done feeling.
Today is mother's day and all I can think of is how my mother told me if I had died she'd move on with her life...I was 13.
Then in my 20s I think she said she wished she would of aborted me.
Then when we came home from my recent suicide attempt she basically eluded that the reason I'm alone and unhappy is because my expectations of people were delusional and too high.
I remember saying back to her if that's what people think of me I'm ok with that.
For a moment I wondered were my expectations to high.
Then I thought No...they were to low to ever meet my expectations and yet they wanted me to stoop down to meet them and have higher expectations of me.
How asinine.
I've watched these people forgive others for things I could or would never do.
But when it came to me it's like I was the devil himself.
They really made it seem like I woke up and decided I'm gonna be a evil bitch.
Never asked what they did..how they made me feel.. nothing.
How do you spend decades around a person and never realize how you genuinely never asked that person one question and be confused as to how they came to be who they are.
When you really think about it that is alot and very traumatic.
I don't have to be compared to a raped woman, an abandoned child, a homeless person for my trauma to be valid.
Instead of really taking it seriously and changing it so we could grow together and closer.
I was expected to stop, get over it, don't be overly sensitive, forgive them and love them.
And because I couldn't, even when I tried.
My attempt to try wasn't seen and I was labeled the problem.
And somehow I still ended up to be a pretty decent human being.
I didn't turn into a serial killer.
I didn't decide I would just hurt people forever since I was hurt.
I hid into a corner and shut my mouth.
I only spoke when spoken too.
The only difference is once spoken to I wasn't going to tell you what you wanna hear.
I would say my truth.
That definitely wasn't liked.
But I liked me.
I did learn to love my company.
I did like me as a person.
So much so I could sound narsacistic saying this but how could I not be liked and loved.
I am valuable.
And I do tear up that I'm really going to die and it could be days or more before anyone knows.
I don't really want anything.
I know if there was some kinda little memorial I want white clothing.
No black
White roses..peach and yellow roses.
Silver balloons or the balloons could be the same color as the roses.
White candles.
My life..my heart..my soul...my mind was filled with such darkness that if i did have a little send off I want as much light and color as possible.
That's who I was supposed to be but I just couldn't figure out how.
I'm too tired now.
I'm over being strong.
I'm over being resilient.
I wanna laugh and sing and dance like I used too.
God please when I try I know I'll have to face the fear and thug it out like I do everything.
But once I get passed that I want my light..my laughter..my singing and joy that I deserve.
Well my doordash is here
I deserve a treat.
I'm not a mom but I believe both children that I terminated are proud of me that I did. They deserved a great mom and family. Not me and the one's I came with.
I'll eat my breakfast.
Call my mom, sister and grandma to give a dry happy mother's day.
Go to a job I hate and pretend to be a lovely charming employee while praying constantly in my head to die soon
If you read some or all of this or any posts I've written
Thankyou for listening to me.
I hate that we go through this and we feel this way but remember
It's not you.
It's not your fault.
It just turned out this way.
We're doing the best we can.
We did the best we could.
And it will be all over soon.
Love Mi Mi
Pronounced Sha Mirror.
When I was little I hated my name.
I didn't get it.
I wondered why I couldn't be a Katie or Kelly or something simple like that.
Never realized how special I was because it's not a common name.
Especially how mines is spelled. There's a handful of us. But still somehow after learning others do have the name where ever I went I was the only one.
In my early 20s when I was married and living in Oklahoma with my then husband I used to babysit a sweet child named Dasia.
She couldn't say my name she would say Sha Mi Mi.
And that's how Mi Mi was born.
Ironic as a child, about 7 I believe I remembered having a childhood friend we called Mi Mi.
Later in life I would learn she was called Mi Mi because her actual name was Chimere.
What a odd full circle.
Anyway I tell that little tale to say that I really hate how often I think Not one soul on earth truly knows Chimere.
They don't know how Mi Mi was created from Chimere. How different they are.
How Mi Mi was created to protect and be who Chimere needed to be.
I hate how now after so many decades when I look back over my life and I think about myself and the people I've met.
How I really don't think I ever loved them.
I think I tried because who doesn't want to love in life.
Who doesn't want love in life.
But my depression was I suppose dormant and I had no idea how it affected me.
Add to that a loveless mother ,you get this being who isn't evil or harmful but she's not capable of love. She desperately wants to be loved but still has no idea what exactly that is or how it looks.
Now here I am at 43 and often the thought that not one soul on this earth knows me. Whether it be Chimere or Mi Mi they don't know me.
Didn't spend time getting to know me.
Didn't care to try to know me.
When I die there won't be a homegoing where people will get up and say kind words about me or tell memorable stories about me.
They won't say my smile lit up a room.
Especially because for years I taught myself not to smile.
They won't say how my presence filled the room or how I was the life of the party.
They would be lying if they did.
Not because those things about me aren't true but because how would they really know that.
Things I remember being said about me over my life were how evil I was.
I was selfish.
As a child I was talkative but as I got older I became mute. So I went from getting in trouble for talking to much to never speaking again and known as the quiet kid.
I was told I was funny. I've always been the funny girl and able to make people laugh. It came naturally to me.
So as I think about love and knowing me. The two go hand in hand for me.
How can you say you love me when you don't know me.
You don't know my personality.
You don't know how I came to be.
You don't know how things affected me and how I chose things I did as a result.
And I hate to admit it but it does hurt that when I'm gone no one will remember or care because how can you when in life you have no idea who I am.
You don't know why I stopped smiling as a girl.
You don't know that I used my humor to protect me from being hurt.
You don't know that I taught myself to accept being ugly and I knew I would be treated differently so therefore I worked hard on my personality.
You don't know that I loved singing.
You don't know that I used to love English and writing stories and poems.
You don't know that I had nightmares majority of my life. Repetitive ones too.
You don't know that as I child I was picky with food and over years became a foodie.
You don't know that the only kinda dream I had in life was to be a model.
I'm tall and I was skinny so I thought what a good way to build myself esteem and get revenge on those who teased me.
You don't know that I actually can't count money..I can't tell time on a clock..I cant add or subtract in my head. I had to use my fingers and toes on math tests.
Till this day I still can't count...I do it slowly and I still may get it wrong.
You don't know that I had not 1 but 2 abortions.
The second one only a few people knew but I went alone and I got a hotel room to recover in to keep it a secret.
You don't know that my biggest regret is I cheated on my husband and treated him horribly. That time in my life was so significant that it was turning point for me. For many years I thought I was being punished in life because that was the most horrible thing I had ever done and couldn't believe I did it.
You don't know that I never had a favorite color until I was older.
Silver.
Then I began to love yellow.
So when it came to home decor or jewelry I love silver or white gold and for color I'm drawn to yellow.
You don't know that I have a green birthmark on my back. 2 tats on my sternum..1 trampstamp on my lower back...2 finger tats...1 rib tat and 1 tat behind my ear. You don't know the stories behind those tats.
You don't know when I had my first anxiety attack and how I ignored it.
You don't know when I became suicidal.
You don't know what led up to it.
You never asked me about it or why.
You don't know that i skipped school and hid in my closet till you left.
And one time hiding in my closet I caught you stealing money from me.
You don't know that I was bullied by my own friend because of a mistake I made.
You don't know that i was a bully to a supposed to be friend.
You don't know that I decided to go mute for a month to see who would notice and no one did.
And I'm supposed to believe you love me and know none of these things.
Never cared to ask.
Then had the audacity to wonder or question why I never cared to ask or know about you.
I spent my whole life protecting myself.
Learning how to get over hurt.
Learning how to accept things I really didn't want.
Learning how to be alone and bury the pain.
I did it so well that I got used to it.
The only consistent true love I ever had was depression.
They say it lies to you but I can't tell because who really loves me.
Who really knows me.
This whole time this so called loving me really is just obligation and knowing of me for a long time.
And on top of that no answers as to why.
With the exception of 1 person.
Not 1 could give me an answer as to why I was ignored
Excluded
Unloved
And that 1 person who could give a reason still actually forgave me.
And I think if I said I still love you let's get back together I think he might.
He was the one I called on my last suicide attempt.
He's the only one where we don't talk often. But when we do it's genuine.
He might miss me or be sad if he's told I've died. But I think he expects it as well so it won't be shocking or too hard to handle.
I would be lying if I said that once I die and my god please I hope I die...that I don't have moments where I hope the few people that come to mind don't feel sick to their stomachs.
Have flashbacks of moments they wish they could do over with me.
Feel guilty over me.
Play what ifs in their mind over me.
Feel haunted by me.
Why should I be the only one to suffer with these unwanted thoughts and feelings.
Then I stop myself and tell myself that's not what I really want.
I'm just hurt and confused.
And I wouldn't even treat a person I hate the way I feel I've been treated.
And even if those things did happen I won't get to know and see it.
And it won't make me feel better.
I just have to focus on the goal and the goal is a peaceful, quiet, painless, quick death.
It's not about them anymore.
Can't change what happened.
And it will all be over once I'm dead.
They say if you hold grudges or don't forgive you take it with you.
I don't believe that.
I believe then is when it will truly be gone.
To me with death all those things just disappear.
That's what I really want.
To be done remembering, done holding on too, done feeling.
Today is mother's day and all I can think of is how my mother told me if I had died she'd move on with her life...I was 13.
Then in my 20s I think she said she wished she would of aborted me.
Then when we came home from my recent suicide attempt she basically eluded that the reason I'm alone and unhappy is because my expectations of people were delusional and too high.
I remember saying back to her if that's what people think of me I'm ok with that.
For a moment I wondered were my expectations to high.
Then I thought No...they were to low to ever meet my expectations and yet they wanted me to stoop down to meet them and have higher expectations of me.
How asinine.
I've watched these people forgive others for things I could or would never do.
But when it came to me it's like I was the devil himself.
They really made it seem like I woke up and decided I'm gonna be a evil bitch.
Never asked what they did..how they made me feel.. nothing.
How do you spend decades around a person and never realize how you genuinely never asked that person one question and be confused as to how they came to be who they are.
When you really think about it that is alot and very traumatic.
I don't have to be compared to a raped woman, an abandoned child, a homeless person for my trauma to be valid.
Instead of really taking it seriously and changing it so we could grow together and closer.
I was expected to stop, get over it, don't be overly sensitive, forgive them and love them.
And because I couldn't, even when I tried.
My attempt to try wasn't seen and I was labeled the problem.
And somehow I still ended up to be a pretty decent human being.
I didn't turn into a serial killer.
I didn't decide I would just hurt people forever since I was hurt.
I hid into a corner and shut my mouth.
I only spoke when spoken too.
The only difference is once spoken to I wasn't going to tell you what you wanna hear.
I would say my truth.
That definitely wasn't liked.
But I liked me.
I did learn to love my company.
I did like me as a person.
So much so I could sound narsacistic saying this but how could I not be liked and loved.
I am valuable.
And I do tear up that I'm really going to die and it could be days or more before anyone knows.
I don't really want anything.
I know if there was some kinda little memorial I want white clothing.
No black
White roses..peach and yellow roses.
Silver balloons or the balloons could be the same color as the roses.
White candles.
My life..my heart..my soul...my mind was filled with such darkness that if i did have a little send off I want as much light and color as possible.
That's who I was supposed to be but I just couldn't figure out how.
I'm too tired now.
I'm over being strong.
I'm over being resilient.
I wanna laugh and sing and dance like I used too.
God please when I try I know I'll have to face the fear and thug it out like I do everything.
But once I get passed that I want my light..my laughter..my singing and joy that I deserve.
Well my doordash is here
I deserve a treat. I'm not a mom but I believe both children that I terminated are proud of me that I did. They deserved a great mom and family. Not me and the one's I came with.
I'll eat my breakfast.
Call my mom, sister and grandma to give a dry happy mother's day.
Go to a job I hate and pretend to be a lovely charming employee while praying constantly in my head to die soon
If you read some or all of this or any posts I've written
Thankyou for listening to me.
I hate that we go through this and we feel this way but remember
It's not you.
It's not your fault.
It just turned out this way.
We're doing the best we can.
We did the best we could.
And it will be all over soon.
Love Mi Mi
I'm speechless
