Help It feels rude to let new people into my life when I have eventual ctb plans

[nomoredolor]

I am deepening a friendship and will be exploring friends with benefits for the first time. I'm excited to spend time with this person.

I also am planning to ctb within the next year or so due to several reasons.

On the one hand: It feels rude of me to encourage amorous feelings with someone new when I know I'm likely to ctb.

On the other hand: Deepening or starting new relationships may help with keeping me alive longer.

Like. I'm walking this weird tightrope where I'm simultaneously preparing for ctb AND I'm participating in life and therapy and making future plans. In the hopes that I can die of a different cause than ctb and spare my loved ones that extra layer of pain and trauma.

Have you avoided connecting with people so that fewer people grieve for you? I know there is natural isolation that occurs when one is planning the end. I'm wondering if I should spare this person and break things off. I thought about being straight up and letting them know I'm a suicide risk, increase interaction at your own risk! But that kinda dampens the mood and is high risk for getting crisis called on you.

Thanks for reading. All my love to all of you.
Anna

 

[-Link-]

I think it's fair to pursue friendships and relationships as if you were planning to live to 102.

Are you a suicide risk? Yes. But it's not a forgone conclusion.

For anyone you invite into your life, there's a chance they could turn into a deep, meaningful connection for you, and they could also open up other life paths for you, some of which could lead you to a better state of mind -- or at least something more persistently tolerable with less suffering.

What you've commented here, that you're even saying these things... It sounds to me like there's serious potential with whoever this person is, so I would definitely encourage you to go for it!

 

[Sutter]

I avoid connections, not for grieving but more as there is no need for them to be invested/hurt. I was doing this subconsciously I think before finally knowing.

For me anothers heart is not a joke, it is the most precious gift any person could give. If you ever have the grace to experience a love like that, you would see why I cherish it so. That being said no relationship should start off without a full accounting in my mind. You want a shot at hardcore love? You will have to stand there as you are, faults and all, and patiently wait to see if they accept you. No matter how much you may want it, it is never yours to take, it is a gift only given.

Hoping life engages you or death releases you, as you see fit.

 

[nomoredolor]

I think it's fair to pursue friendships and relationships as if you were planning to live to 102.

Are you a suicide risk? Yes. But it's not a forgone conclusion.

For anyone you invite into your life, there's a chance they could turn into a deep, meaningful connection for you, and they could also open up other life paths for you, some of which could lead you to a better state of mind -- or at least something more persistently tolerable with less suffering.

What you've commented here, that you're even saying these things... It sounds to me like there's serious potential with whoever this person is, so I would definitely encourage you to go for it!

AND

I avoid connections, not for grieving but more as there is no need for them to be invested/hurt. I was doing this subconsciously I think before finally knowing.

For me anothers heart is not a joke, it is the most precious gift any person could give. If you ever have the grace to experience a love like that, you would see why I cherish it so. That being said no relationship should start off without a full accounting in my mind. You want a shot at hardcore love? You will have to stand there as you are, faults and all, and patiently wait to see if they accept you. No matter how much you may want it, it is never yours to take, it is a gift only given.

I appreciate the input and sharing your personal thoughts. I really love this website and am thankful to have a safe space to be transparent.

Hoping life engages you or death releases you, as you see fit.

What a perfect send off for this website. This right back to you.

 

[hēĸsenko]

It's not rude. It's not even selfish. Everyone can die any moment, anyone's life can turn 180° and push them off the cliff. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't indulge into social stuff. We're social animal, no matter what's happening around.

You're getting close with a person? Great! You enjoy this process? Even better.

People are very funny and strange. Even the smallest social interaction, absolutely any person can change your life in a better or worse way. If you're feeling like letting someone into your life, then do it. Better do than regret, there's always time for the second.

But, of course, it's always up to you.

 

[astr4]

Have you avoided connecting with people so that fewer people grieve for you? I know there is natural isolation that occurs when one is planning the end. I'm wondering if I should spare this person and break things off. I thought about being straight up and letting them know I'm a suicide risk, increase interaction at your own risk! But that kinda dampens the mood and is high risk for getting crisis called on you.

Yes, I have deliberately started fights and cut people out of my life. I have 2 friends I game with occasionally and that's it. I've ghosted or angered everyone else. It's for the best and I have no intentions on making amends. But it's not selfless so they miss me less, it's selfish because I don't want anything to make me change my mind about ctb. I never want to change my mind about ctb. I quit my job in fact to ensure I would end up with more motivation to ctb. I try my best to ruin my life in every way so that I'll never go back to deluding myself that happiness is possible.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Personally, yes I tend to avoid people and making new connections. I really don't want more tethers here. But, my mind is fairly well made up. If anything, sometimes I worry that unavoidable life stuff- work etc. may create new tethers that make it difficult to leave. For me, it's become more that I don't actually want my CTB plans to be interupted because I think I'll always want to go. It's so hard to live as an island though. I don't entirely even. I do still text with one or two people.

I do know what you mean in that- maybe it's fairer to warn them. But, like you say- they may panic and report you. Also, I'm sure it will make them deeply concerned. I can understand why you wouldn't want to worry them.

Plus, it's natural I think to hope. I find myself dreaming of stuff when opportunities look like they might arise. It's so hard not to. We are surely wired to try and live. I just don't know what to suggest really. I don't even know what I'd do to be honest. If I felt that close to them, I probably would try to tell them in a roundabout way. Maybe in terms of- I have struggled with ideation in the past. That makes it less of a current threat but shows that it's possible. I imagine their reaction to that would tell you lots. Although, the sensible question would follow: 'Are you still suicidal now?' I guess. Which could be more tricky.

I hope you come to a choice you feel comfortable with. I guess personally, I feel like- if there's a genuine chance for life, it seems worth pursuing. Alternatively, I do think it's only fair to consider people we care about so, them knowing the truth if they want to become close also seems the fair thing to do. Just my feeling about it.

 

[needthebus]

I relate to this so much.

I feel like connecting with people is actually unethical sometimes because of how likely it is I'm going to end things. It's such a frustrating situation!

 

[Gonk]

CTB already is a pros-con dilelamma for me. I tell myself, I may feel need to do, or not; but end of the day, all matter is my self justification. Therefore, I knew some people will hurt if I do it one day (and I know I will but I don't know when), however it will be a net gain to remove a net loss (me) from the society, I believe.

So it is not wrong to approach new people, maybe they are capable to make you a net gain (or at least show you how to be not net loss).

But the trick is, whenever the time is right, it is essential to share these with them. Otherwise you will be leaving them with question marks and even worse, they may blame themselves. If I have a meaningful enough relation, I will talk about these. Like Raskolnikov and Sonya's (Don't get me wrong it hasn't to be one involving love, in fact, these two fictional character loved each other but they had understanding each other due to swamp they got in.).

 

[nomoredolor]

I appreciate everyone's input and sharing their own thoughts and experiences around this.

Update: We were intimate and it went well. They said they don't have feelings for me and it's purely physical / friendship. This makes me feel a lot better because it's low pressure and they won't be so attached when I ctb. I did mention in an offhand way that I didn't want more tethers incase I ever attempted again, and didn't want to burden others with my depression. I feel anything more direct would've had them worried or calling for help. They understood but shrugged it off saying that one could use that as an excuse not to do anything in life. But I couldn't say "I'm an asshole for connecting with you because I am planning to end myself."

But them not having feelings for me makes me feel less assholeish.
Anna