Venting It feels weird to be depressed without being suicidal

[be-easy]

I'm not used to feeling like this, usually it's either being okay or desperately wanting to end myself. Right now I feel terrible but suicide doesn't feel like an option.
I've been suicidal my whole life, I think at some point the thought of ending it all started to be comforting. It seemed like the only way to end my suffering. I didn't have the energy to deal with any of my problems and it made me feel so helpless.
And here I am, actually doing something to make my life better. Part of me wants to go back to being miserable because that's what I'm used to. I feel lost.

 

[tenshi]

i think i get what you mean--for me, my relationship with suicide has been like a weirdly comforting net i'd always thought i could fall back on? like in a terrifying, hopeless, last-resort kind of way. even if it's the very final option, i think it still felt comforting to *have* it as an option in the first place, right? i'm sorry if i'm coming across like im romanticising suicide or smth--that's not my intention at all. at the peak of my suicidality, i never had the energy for anything and i would fall so behind compared to my peers and everything would continue to pile up and pile up; the only way i could pull myself out of that spiral was to think that, since i was going to ctb anyways, there was no point in trying, because i'd be dead soon anyways.

now that i'm living through that "soon", and i've realized that i don't feel that same craving for death anymore, it all feels very strange. trying to better my life (even if it feels like a sisyphean effort lol) is really fucking annoying and/or difficult sometimes. regardless, i'm proud of you for making it this far :-) i don't know your exact situation, but it seems like you've gone through a lot, and i really respect you for that! i think the fact that you're doing things and taking action is a huge improvement!!

sorry lol didn't mean to ramble i'm a little tired rn... i hope some of it resonates with you though
tldr: i have confidence you'll find smth that makes you want to keep going!! just keep taking each day at a time, you're doing great ^^

 

[betteroffthandead]

Wow. I really relate to this. I don't think I had realized how invalidated I was making myself feel about my depression because I'm not currently actively suicidal until I read your post.

I also completely relate to your point that suicidality can feel comforting. Sometimes I actually find myself feeling more hopeless in my current situation because I don't have that fallback of "well, if I fuck everything else up or if it gets bad enough, I always have an easy out."

When the only goal you'll be satisfied with is to live a long, fruitful life where you thrive and achieve whatever your personal metrics for success and fulfillment are, your chances of achieving that goal can often look much more slim than your chances of achieving the goal you've had in the past (CTBing).

I'm hopeful for both of us (and for anyone else reading this who's in a similar situation) that this discomfort is a sign we're heading in the right direction. Initial discomfort is an unavoidable side effect of real change, I suspect. If we all keep moving forward past that discomfort, I hope and maybe even believe that it will eventually subside as we acclimate to our new mindset and way of life, and especially as the positive experiences we have as a result of our efforts begin to pile up.

 

[uncat_]

It's absolutely worse to be depressed but not suicidal. I'm in that right now, too.
You don't have an out like you used to, you're stuck here and suffering.

it gives you a bit more motivation to change, maybe?