OliverTreeLver
Jvnk
- Feb 17, 2023
- 22
Hello people of SaSu! It has been about a year since I left the forum in hope of recovery. To be honest, I feel like I never did recover. I tried to certainly, through all the pain and hurt the past year has been. My efforts weren't exactly futile either, but things haven't gotten better. The problems I faced before have changed, new problems arose in the wake of the old ones that died. This post will be a half vent, half update on what has been going on over the past year to catch anyone up to speed.
"John"
"The storms come and go, the waves crash overhead, the big fish eat the little fish, and I keep on paddling."
George R. R. Martin
Let's start with the biggest change, my old bf broke up with me. It has been a struggle, and it hit me harder than a truck, but I think it was for the better. My ex, let us name him "John", was a manipulative piece of shit that was a huge part of my problems last year. I never really knew he was until months after the breakup, but John had a hand to play in almost everything going wrong in my life. Before you call me a crazy nutcase, there is a huge reason on why that is true. He WAS my whole life. Everything I did centered around him, all my friends were his, all the actions I did were his influence, even the college I am at right now was his choice. He controlled almost every aspect of how I lived outside of my home, and sometimes even within it. John would use his mental disorders to intentionally manipulate me and deprive me of the attention that I needed in a healthy relationship. He would focus it on himself, and when it wasn't focused on him things would go bad. John has DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder), a mental disorder that would cause him to dissociate into a different identity. Normally, this was never a problem for me. The only issue was that John was also a raging narcissist. This would make a sort of bad mixture, where if his narcissistic tendencies were to be disturbed or questioned, it would cause him to dissociate. It caused plenty of hard moments within our relationship that made me feel horrible at times, including one where he dissociated in the middle of intercourse. These things always weighed down on me before, how I felt worthless and how I felt unseen. Whenever I would confront him about these issues though, he was quick to shut it down by shutting down. My kindness was the death of me.
Now, things changed for John quickly when I went away to college. You see, when a narcissist like John that controls your life watches as you move two hours away and start to thrive socially on your own, they tend to not like it. John would frequently try to pull me away from my thriving college life, but since I couldn't exactly see him in person everyday like I had been able to previously during the relationship, it got hard. His control was slipping quickly, and as it slipped I began to taste the freedom I always longed for. I could do whatever I want it felt like, including things I hadn't yet been able to do before. I could drink, I could smoke, I could get high. Things he was very against. Soon, after a while it was like the tides had turned on him. We grew distant, and in last ditch efforts to keep that control he had on me, he would come down and drag me into his grasps during the short time he was here. One instances marked the last one, and probably the most fucked up thing he did to me during the span of our relationship.
It was late October, and I was very very ill. I was on a few different medications at the time of his visit, the mixture of which worked to make me have a sort of mental high. I was spacey, not exactly all the way there to understand intense situations and respond accordingly. When he came down, he said it was to help me in my time of need as a loving partner. I appreciated the notion a lot, and was very excited for him to come down. I needed his help anyways to get to the local clinic for more medication, one of which was a prescription of Codeine cough syrup. When he arrived, it seemed utterly amazing to me to be so cared for and loved. I felt safe, so I let go when the high began to kick in. It wasn't long into the high that we decided it was time to go grab my prescription, and since it was a nice day out we decided to walk. On the walk we would talk but my mind was too far gone to really understand the weight of the conversation we were having. I followed along in the bubbly state until we reached the lake path that would take us on a scenic route into the nearby section of town that contained the clinic. There, John broke down. He began to cry on me, asking me worrying questions such as "Is it all over" and "Is it even worth it to try?". Obviously, at the time of this I was spaced out and gone. I was so confused on why he was crying, and I kept trying to be there for him in-between my own crying and sniffling. The whole walk to the clinic was a nightmare, since we would barely make it a minute or two before the cycle would repeat where he continued to ask me (who keep in mind, was not there mentally at the time) these questions. I felt destroyed at that moment, worse than I had ever felt before. I was confused, distraught, and unwell physically. He kept asking about the state of our relationship, knowing that the person he was talking to was not in the mindset to discuss such things. In my time of need, he used it as an opportunity to dump every negative emotion he had about our relationship on me. I will never forgive him for it.
Now, to wrap up this section, let's talk about how it ended. After the incident on the lake path, everything was shaky for us. I was hurt by it, feeling unable to trust him anymore, so I became reclused from him. I was reclused more than just him, the event shook me so hard that I stopped showing up to classes and fell into a hard slump of depression. I felt worthless and alone. He, obviously, noticed my lack of quick responses and how I was doing mentally. John didn't care though, or at least did a really good job at hiding it. Through November we barely spoke, and when we did he always came off as pissed off. Eventually, he stopped replying to me all together. I would send him messages about how I was feeling, how I needed his help, how things were tough, and I would never get a response. I would tell him I loved him, no response. Whenever I would call him, he didn't respond. It made me panic. If I was still active here, I feel like I would have posted multiple times a day. It was torture. Eventually, when he did respond he asked if I wanted to hang out the day after I came back home for Thanksgiving break. I obviously said yes, but he didn't respond to it again. He ended up leaving me cold turkey for a week and a half. When I did eventually come home, I knew something was up. I figured he was going to break up with me, and I wish that at the time I had the courage to pull the trigger first. I wish I had the gull to send him a list of every little thing he did wrong. I wish, but that isn't how it went. I texted him the night that I got home, demanding he would tell me what was going on. I asked him if he was going to break up with me, and all he responded with is "Yes". We met the next day, where in his car he had a list of everything I did wrong in the relationship. He listed out individually, it was a small yet meaningful list. Afterwards, we talked for an hour. I cried a lot, but I thought of the bright side. In his goodbye, John said that it wasn't a forever breakup. He made me believe there was light on the other side. Under a month later, he was already in a new relationship. Two months after, he texted me on my old discord asking about us getting back together, I told him what changes I have been making to better myself as a person, and he responded by calling me the worst person he ever dated (apparently worse than the guy who literally raped him) and then blocked me on every social media possible (including Spotify, but not before going onto my account and deleted every single playlist I ever made). It has been hard to live life without the influence from John since I last spoke to him, but I am glad to finally be freed from his grasp. I feel like this change should have made me feel better, happier, but alas I am here again. Let's get into that now how about we?
Life
"He sticks a needle into my arm when I'm lying in my bed. He stole everything I had. I still let him hang around, cause everything is fine."
Everything is fine by Teen Suicide
Life is a wild thing to me, how one can thrive and survive off the worst situations possible. I don't know how I am even surviving at this point, yet here I am still alive and kicking. Life has been rough to me lately, especially in a very few certain places. Since I have came to college, I have done nothing but fail. I have failed almost every single class I took, finding myself with a ton of debt and nothing to show for it. Coming to college is the worst decision I have ever made, as it screwed me over for the foreseeable future. My grades are shit, and my way of living can only be described as rotting. I am lucky enough to at least have escaped the household abuse and relationship abuse I suffered, but out here in the "real world" isn't much better. The past few months have consisted of me being utterly broke, getting an influx of money between a few odd jobs, some illegal and some not, and then spending every last penny on my new crippling drug addiction. Nicotine has took control of my life, and weed makes me forget the pain I once felt. I thought it would make the pain go away forever, but in moments like these where I am right now, sober and dopeless, life crashes down on me. I have yet to tell my parents about the state I am in here, and I never plan on letting them know. I am already enough of a disappointment for them as is. Sometimes, I feel like death is a better way out than to deal with my problems. My therapist disagrees. Now that school is finishing up for the year, I am faced with a tough reality. My school doesn't want me anymore. I face possible homelessness right now in the future if I don't figure something out, and to be honest, it scares me. Being homeless doesn't sound bad if I were to be anywhere else, but here in Minnesota homelessness can mean death. Snowy winters can be fatal, and I also am dealing with the fact that I don't WANT to face this reality. My parent's have already made it clear that I will not be welcomed back into their home to stay, and most of my friends here have plans on places to stay for the upcoming year. I would do student housing again, but the issue is next year I won't be a student. I feel like I have nowhere left to turn to, between my family that excommunicated me and friends who lack the space to help me. Things are looking bleak. I don't even know how reliably I can get online anymore either.
To add onto the list of problems I have been facing, I have relapsed on my self harm again. It started small like before, with some scratching at my skin and nail biting until the pink turned to red and everything hurt. This was a huge problem for me in the past, and I never really noticed how I began to start again until it was too late. It became a habit again, and then grew into a darker problem. My self harm has gone to a length it never had reached before, making me feel lost with the pain and wanting the next high. It is a vicious cycle, where I hurt to feel and then smoke to forget. An addiction that is both harming me and too expensive for me to maintain. My motivation in life feels nonexistent. This is the fourth time where after things got better, they have crashed again. The cycle is tiring. It is so predictable to me, yet I fall victim to it every single fucking time. I don't know where to go, just typing this is making me feel stressed and anxious. I feel like my problems are just another set that everyone faces, yet for some reason I don't know how to solve them. It is a cry for help in an endless void.
I don't know where I'm headed, and in my moments of desperation I have returned here. To the only place I felt safe before when I felt the same way. It sickens me to be back here, after wanting to get better, after trying so hard to make things work. But, for the time being, I will take everyone here along with me. Updating is something I could possibly do to feel better, to catalogue my events and journey until the destination point. I don't know where I am headed, but for now I need to figure out what I got already. I'll keep updating as things change. There is more for me to write, but it is getting pretty late. Thank you to the people who have read up until this point, and also to the people in the past who were here for me when I posted before. I hope to see you again. This has been Oliver, love you all and well wishes.
Peace,
OliverTreeLver
To add onto the list of problems I have been facing, I have relapsed on my self harm again. It started small like before, with some scratching at my skin and nail biting until the pink turned to red and everything hurt. This was a huge problem for me in the past, and I never really noticed how I began to start again until it was too late. It became a habit again, and then grew into a darker problem. My self harm has gone to a length it never had reached before, making me feel lost with the pain and wanting the next high. It is a vicious cycle, where I hurt to feel and then smoke to forget. An addiction that is both harming me and too expensive for me to maintain. My motivation in life feels nonexistent. This is the fourth time where after things got better, they have crashed again. The cycle is tiring. It is so predictable to me, yet I fall victim to it every single fucking time. I don't know where to go, just typing this is making me feel stressed and anxious. I feel like my problems are just another set that everyone faces, yet for some reason I don't know how to solve them. It is a cry for help in an endless void.
I don't know where I'm headed, and in my moments of desperation I have returned here. To the only place I felt safe before when I felt the same way. It sickens me to be back here, after wanting to get better, after trying so hard to make things work. But, for the time being, I will take everyone here along with me. Updating is something I could possibly do to feel better, to catalogue my events and journey until the destination point. I don't know where I am headed, but for now I need to figure out what I got already. I'll keep updating as things change. There is more for me to write, but it is getting pretty late. Thank you to the people who have read up until this point, and also to the people in the past who were here for me when I posted before. I hope to see you again. This has been Oliver, love you all and well wishes.
Peace,
OliverTreeLver
