Story It is time I decided.

[rey]

I was lurking this forum for a long time. I tried to read everyone's story as much as possible.

I know my time has come... I can't handle it anymore. I feel like the world is pushing me to do bad things and to commit sins. I was always a good person before but now I feel everything forcing me to be a bad person which I really don't want to. I have been physically and sexually abused in my childhood by someone who fucked up all of my self-confidence. I don't know where he lives now but if I knew i would absolutely kill him. I couldn't never understand what love means because of this shitty trauma. I abandoned by someone who I loved every time and the last thing that happened was the last straw for me. Now I feel just pure guilty and self hatred last 2 years and I can't escape from these things.

I think I lived enough I experienced everything I wanted to try. Playing games with my friends or travel somewhere with my family or hanging out with my friends also discovering new things about existence plus discovering new things about myself none of these feels good to me anymore. I am 23 now I think I lived in the best possible way and achieved all my goals.

I tried every recovery options and medications but I couldn't get the result I expected.

Long story short I have decided to ctb in September 10. I already got my SN and other required meds.

The love will be with you guys. It will be always there.

 

[rey]

I think I need some more time with my friends, cats and family. November 11 would be better for ctb.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry you are suffering, life really is cruel. I understand that it can be hard to carry on when everything feels hopeless. If your decision is to leave, then I wish you peace.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I think I need some more time with my friends, cats and family. November 11 would be better for ctb.

There's no rush, love. You take all the time you need. It's good that you want to spend more time with your loved ones. I wish you well.

 

[rey]

should I quit from my therapy sessions what do you think guys?

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

should I quit from my therapy sessions what do you think guys?

Why do you want to quit??

 

[rey]

Why do you want to quit??

because it is only relaxing me temporarily not "fixing" my problems.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

because it is only relaxing me temporarily not "fixing" my problems

I know. Therapy didn't help me either. But since you're planning on going anyway, and it helps at least temporarily, why quit now?

 

[rey]

I know. Therapy didn't help me either. But since you're planning on going anyway, and it helps at least temporarily, why quit now?

actually you are right it will be better to continue just to comfort myself even it is temporal.

 

[Worndown]

Fixing problem is a journey. It takes more time them one initially expects.

 

[motel rooms]

actually you are right it will be better to continue just to comfort myself even it is temporal.

Does your therapist specialize in childhood sexual abuse? Because ordinary therapists often know nothing about it & they are useless

 

[sadpinky]

Lol does anyone else find it annoying the amount of prolifers on this site?

 

[aminend]

I hope every thing go ahead peacefully for u. Keep us updated

 

[fiona apple juice]

Hey, I hope you feel at peace in these last months. I'm sorry you've suffered so much because you don't deserve that at all.
Sending warm hugs and good luck

 

[sterp]

i hope you are at peace mate, good luck <3

 

[m9q2As2$IG]

I'd say try to also say all the things you've always wanted to say, but you've never said if you have any. Make sure to not comment anything that could be a clue though, that could create turmoil.

Good luck and best of wishes

 

[rey]

Does your therapist specialize in childhood sexual abuse? Because ordinary therapists often know nothing about it & they are useless

I am getting therapy the therapist suggested by my psychiatrist. I don't know much about her knowladge she is just listening me for now didn't give any advice yet and she says we will start some EMDR therapy soon for my trauma. I am not sure it will work.

 

[rey]

my friends, it will be sooner than I expected. this friday everything becoming ends. I will make a last update on this thread when the date has come. thank you for all your support and warm hearts.