Leichter Kampfwagen
(LK1)
- Dec 24, 2023
- 49
I'm losing hope that I'll ever CTB. I've been in the same numb mental state for well over a year now, and I've wanted to die every day for around 5 of the last 7 years. It's time I face the facts. I've experienced debilitating agony and psychological torture for seemingly no reason (I'm aware that some people are actually psychologically tortured, but pain is relative and I use that term to describe somewhat narrow, concrete periods of time and don't use it lightly). I've stood at bridges, held guns, had nitrogen tanks in my possession, and driven at certain death speeds. And yet, in all of these situations, I still knew beforehand I wouldn't be able to commit. I wasn't expecting to, rather hoping for something. Anything. A gust of wind, the twitch of a muscle, a surge of bravery or cowardice. A miracle. A psychotic break. Anything. And yet, as expected, nothing ever came.
I think I've always known this, and have been irrationally clinging on to the idea of CTB as a final hope. All evidence suggests that I should let go of this aspiration, and yet I cannot. Can it be that I am simply unable to cope with this fact, so a fiction must be maintained? Or perhaps it is impossible for one to hold nothing, and therefore impossible to drop the only thing remaining in one's grasp.
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
I think I've always known this, and have been irrationally clinging on to the idea of CTB as a final hope. All evidence suggests that I should let go of this aspiration, and yet I cannot. Can it be that I am simply unable to cope with this fact, so a fiction must be maintained? Or perhaps it is impossible for one to hold nothing, and therefore impossible to drop the only thing remaining in one's grasp.
"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
