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Leichter Kampfwagen

Leichter Kampfwagen

(LK1)
Dec 24, 2023
61
I'm losing hope that I'll ever CTB. I've been in the same numb mental state for well over a year now, and I've wanted to die every day for around 5 of the last 7 years. It's time I face the facts. I've experienced debilitating agony and psychological torture for seemingly no reason (I'm aware that some people are actually psychologically tortured, but pain is relative and I use that term to describe somewhat narrow, concrete periods of time and don't use it lightly). I've stood at bridges, held guns, had nitrogen tanks in my possession, and driven at certain death speeds. And yet, in all of these situations, I still knew beforehand I wouldn't be able to commit. I wasn't expecting to, rather hoping for something. Anything. A gust of wind, the twitch of a muscle, a surge of bravery or cowardice. A miracle. A psychotic break. Anything. And yet, as expected, nothing ever came.

I think I've always known this, and have been irrationally clinging on to the idea of CTB as a final hope. All evidence suggests that I should let go of this aspiration, and yet I cannot. Can it be that I am simply unable to cope with this fact, so a fiction must be maintained? Or perhaps it is impossible for one to hold nothing, and therefore impossible to drop the only thing remaining in one's grasp.

"The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night."
 
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waterrrrrrrrrbottel

Experienced
Jul 18, 2022
244
if youre accepting this, whats the next step for you?
 
Leichter Kampfwagen

Leichter Kampfwagen

(LK1)
Dec 24, 2023
61
if youre accepting this, whats the next step for you?
I'm not accepting it right now. I know I should, but I can't (or won't). Even if I did, it wouldn't be some sort of magical moment where I would want to live or even commit to making the best of it. Nothing would change. It's not like I don't still want to CTB.
 
JustHere1

JustHere1

In a way, in a shape, in a form.
Dec 21, 2024
148
Personally I am going hard with my decision to CTB - if you're suffering longterm and constantly seek a way out, at some point you have to commit to a decision - live or die, and eventually death finds you regardless.
 
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S

Salkak

Member
Dec 9, 2021
69
I feel same at times. I feel like I wanna do it but I start thinking about my family and I stop. I don't even like my family much. But I just stop. I have felt this way for years'. But idk what's stopping me
 
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waterrrrrrrrrbottel

Experienced
Jul 18, 2022
244
I'm not accepting it right now. I know I should, but I can't (or won't). Even if I did, it wouldn't be some sort of magical moment where I would want to live or even commit to making the best of it. Nothing would change. It's not like I don't still want to CTB.
i think i'm in the same boat as you. im gonna keep powering through and try to grow the resilience to ctb, as the world around me crumbles. you never hit rock bottom, you can always go lower, i just need to see how low i need to go to actually commit.
 
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Leichter Kampfwagen

Leichter Kampfwagen

(LK1)
Dec 24, 2023
61
Personally I am going hard with my decision to CTB - if you're suffering longterm and constantly seek a way out, at some point you have to commit to a decision - live or die, and eventually death finds you regardless.
It's not about being undecided between living and dying. I'm long past that point. I just can't execute.
 
JustHere1

JustHere1

In a way, in a shape, in a form.
Dec 21, 2024
148
It's not about being undecided between living and dying. I'm long past that point. I just can't execute.
Right, I'm in the same boat. I've fucked myself financially, no job, medically injured. No friends, family essentially ditched me and treats me poorly. Still struggling with execution. But the idea of comboing a method brings me peace of mind, it's just the fear holding me back (fear of Lasting, and in pain). A practiced shot through the mouth, the impact toppling me off a bridge or cliff. If I don't die immediately with my shot, I perish from the fall, the compound method ensuring rapid and efficient death.
 
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Leichter Kampfwagen

Leichter Kampfwagen

(LK1)
Dec 24, 2023
61
Right, I'm in the same boat. I've fucked myself financially, no job, medically injured. No friends, family essentially ditched me and treats me poorly. Still struggling with execution. But the idea of comboing a method brings me peace of mind, it's just the fear holding me back (fear of Lasting, and in pain). A practiced shot through the mouth, the impact toppling me off a bridge or cliff. If I don't die immediately with my shot, I perish from the fall, the compound method ensuring rapid and efficient death.
I've thought about combos too
 
LivingANDDying26

LivingANDDying26

Enlightened
Dec 8, 2019
1,316
I relate a lot. Its hard when you are done with living but the execution of ctb itself is just... a lot. I dunno exactly what it would take for me either. Maybe a certain method but even then I'm not too sure.

For me its extremely disappointing
 
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requiemforadream

requiemforadream

This little fellow is getting tired
Jan 1, 2025
48
I relate a lot. Its hard when you are done with living but the execution of ctb itself is just... a lot. I dunno exactly what it would take for me either. Maybe a certain method but even then I'm not too sure.

For me its extremely disappointing
Relatable
 

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