It's becoming a reality

[Nerdyartist85]

I had debated on using the majority of my last paycheck on bills or use some for SN supplies to ctb with.

After debating for weeks and weeks about it, I bit the bullet and ordered everything a few minutes ago. They should all be here before Jan 5.

I can't explain the feeling I'm having; a mix of scared and relieved. I'm scared not of dying but leaving my husband behind (more like guilt to be honest). I feel in the end when the grieving process is over, he will be much happier when he moves on and finds a more stable person to fall in love and build a life with; he won't have to worry about being my mental health caregiver anymore, and I won't have to be (in an unhealthy sense) emotionally dependent on him for reassurance.

But I am relieved that I will finally be free from this miserable life of being BPD, depressed, and anxious forever (no more doctors, hospitals, pills, therapists, debt collectors for various affairs before I married, etc).

No exact date picked yet; I still need to write letters, get the stuff, and find somewhere to ctb that isn't my house. I just hope I don't chicken out since I've come this far.

 

[onewayroad]

Do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? I have bipolar I and the only reason I'm still alive is because there is a small chance some medication I haven't tried can make life bearable in the future. But I'm running out of medications to try. Anyway if you have bipolar I know the hell you have been through.

 

[Nerdyartist85]

Do you mean bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder? I have bipolar I and the only reason I'm still alive is because there is a small chance some medication I haven't tried can make life bearable in the future. But I'm running out of medications to try. Anyway if you have bipolar I know the hell you have been through.

I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I've been told it's one of the most difficult mental illnesses to manage, and I find that to be true. I've tried (within my surrounding areas) every therapy / therapist, every doctor, hospitalizations, and (what feels like) every medication known to doctors. I'm still showing traits even with 5 medications a day that I take diligently, and they're not helping. I know my actions (self harm, swift mood changes / rages, and impulsive behaviors like drinking, spending and (temptations of) infidelity) will worsen.

I have ruined my life...and am dragging my husband down with me. I feel it just has to end this way.

 

[Lunaemoth]

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this, and that this was the decision you felt you had to make. I understand feeling both relieved and scared... I'm not anxious about dying, really, but I've basically made it so that if I somehow survive when I take my SN, I'll be 100% screwed. I'll have no job, no money, and everyone in my family will know. So I am very, very scared of surviving. I also understand not wanting to be a burden on the people around you...

Whatever happens, I hope you find your peace. <3

 

[Sinbad]

I think I speak on behalf of all SS members when I say, we all wish to have a great partner like your husband. Too bad the therapies and medications aren't improving your conditions.
What about leaving your husband before cheating on him or before CTB? Is that an option? I am not telling you to..I am just wondering..

 

[Nerdyartist85]

I think I speak on behalf of all SS members when I say, we all wish to have a great partner like your husband. Too bad the therapies and medications aren't improving your conditions.
What about leaving your husband before cheating on him or before CTB? Is that an option? I am not telling you to..I am just wondering..

I offered breakup, separations, and divorces many times...many many times. He refuses because he hopes the therapists and medications will eventually help.

I've dealt with this since I was 16 years old (i'm 33 years old). My husband and I have been together for 3 years and married 1. It's not that I don't love him....it's just I'm a dumpster fire with gasoline waiting to explode, and I want him to be happy. I know he'd be happier with someone else in the end; I feel he still has the 'rose colored' glasses on and doesn't see this is long term.

But it's more than this; I'm horribly in debt, my birth family hates me, and if I were to divorce, I'd have no one left in my life. Death is cheaper than a divorce...

 

[Nerdyartist85]

I'm sorry you've had to go through all of this, and that this was the decision you felt you had to make. I understand feeling both relieved and scared... I'm not anxious about dying, really, but I've basically made it so that if I somehow survive when I take my SN, I'll be 100% screwed. I'll have no job, no money, and everyone in my family will know. So I am very, very scared of surviving. I also understand not wanting to be a burden on the people around you...

Whatever happens, I hope you find your peace. <3

I understand of not wanting to be a burden. I fear of failure, but I've researched this for months and I'm hoping that I will succeed in my efforts.

Thank you. I'll make a post on the last day, but I appreciate your well wishes. Best of luck to you. <3