IT'S FACKED EVERYTHING IS FACKED

[ebg]

I had an anxiety-filled-life-is-hell-on-earth night last night where I just let out all that I suppressed (or partly suppressed) these last 2 months. It seems to me that when I have these moments, they feel like the absolute truth and that when I "go back to normal functioning", I'm just a programmed robot who just forgets "how things really are" or lies to themselves. I genuinely feel like I'm not made out for life and I don't know how "normal" people don't experience this often. It's hell, full of unfairness, power and control veiled as love, everyone is for themselves (INCLUDING ME), and yet how people (prison guards) be against suicide? Suicide to me feels like the only solution that comes to mind when I have moments like this, I freeze up and I feel like I don't know what to do, and I feel like everyone is foreign to me. People you think offer you open arms of support, whom you end up believing are sources of love and hope on earth, no it's just all illusory, it's all fake, IM NO BETTER, IM NO BETTER EITHER, but yet why the fuck do people seem to want to disagree with me because it goes against their programmed fear-of-death-desire-to-live sentiments? My mind/neurochemistry is always just remembering negative experiences and negative thoughts, my therapist says that trying to repress them just makes them worse. You know, a lot more people than you think support eugenics, maybe I should just kill myself in service of the precious and holy human race, OBEY US WE ARE THE MOST INTELLIGENT DIVINE SPECIES they say, and that WE HAVE NO USE FOR PEOPLE "LIKE YOU". Fuck this shit I'm out, I'm getting a bunch of tics right now, I don't even know the "point" of this, IT'S ALL FACKED. Maybe I can get DEEP BRAIN STIMULATION treatment for OCD, that's the main thing that makes me distressed, lol I want to get electrodes in my brain I'd be like Megatron
On another note, anyone have experience with retroactive jealousy? I read that it was a subtype of OCD. It is ruining my relationship. My mind can't help but think of my husbanding saying the same stuff he tells me but to his ex, I bring it up and it's starting to drive him mad, but yet my proposition that I shouldn't partake in any relationships makes him even more upset. He's also against suicide. THAT'S THE ONLY SOLUTION. "Why don't you stop doing it?" people say. At times when I suppress it, it still affects how I feel and I become more reluctant to want to partake in anything intimate, so he notices that still. People I have interacted with have genuinely believed that it'd be better if I offed myself, I agree I agree and it's not like I don't say anything bad about others. I have been thinking recently that I do feel pity for all humans, not hate anymore, I don't know most of the stuff I post here is rambling

 

[timf]

To be honest the world is filled with greedy grasping people who will try to take advantage of you either as individuals or through corporations. However, not all people are like this. The trick is to transcend it in your thoughts and avoid them in person. Some people use religion to transcend and some meditation. Sadly some use drugs or alcohol to block it out, but this usually makes things worse.

The retroactive imagining for jealousy may be similar to those that cut for self-harm. It may be an attempt to inflict pain under your own control so that anxieties can be pushed back. It can work against you by distorting reality which may be your best bet to reduce anxiety.

The fears that drive anxiety grow as a result of several conditions. Self-focus, too much spare time, an active imagination, bad experiences, or even some pleasure derived from a stimulating feeling of heightened sensation. You might want to experiment with various things to see if the anxieties can be driven back. Some things that might help you take more control of life that could help;

1. volunteer work
2. having a pet like a dog
3. reading biographies
4. card playing
5. physical exercise
6. leisure classes
7. learn another language