It's not mutual

[ikuchan]

it hurts me to look at my mother sometimes and not because i hate her

the filial affection and loyalty i have for her remains unchanged from the day i was born even with everything she has and hasn't done

it's the opposite, my love for her is unconditional, unsurmountable; the one person i put above everyone else and whose happiness matters more to me than anything else

even if i wasn't already suicidal, i would die for her a thousand times in the most painful ways

but what she could have fostered during my youth for us to be more - to be close - has long passed and all that remains are vacant spaces where things should be

when i look at her... without fail - in the back of my head, a resentful and tormenting voice makes me aware of one thing

one devastating truth that i can't erase nor forget no matter how much i try

"why wasn't she there for you?"

 

[Morning Angel]

I felt so much of this post. The resentment, the disappointment, the hollowness. I grew up in a physically and mentally abusive environment and most of it was my mother. I long forgave her for what she lacked as a parent, but it took a long, long time. It's not easy to stay alive for someone else, let alone someone who has let you down.

Not alone, OP.

 

[berry]

It's sad that everyone deserves loving, supportive parents but not all of us have the privilege of having those kinds of parents.

Some of this post resonates with me, but I'm past the point of feeling upset.

Like having a child is not going to change a shitty person into a non shitty person. They just become a jerk who now has children. I had to come to grips that my mom was always the person that she wants to be and that person may not have the capacity to love and nurture; ever. Not family, friends or me or anyone's will would compel this woman to be any different. She might be good to someone, but not me. Same goes for myself, I may not be good for her either. Thusly, I stopped feeling anything for her.

If I don't give anything, then I should also have the same expectation and not take anything either.

 

[Lizzie S.]

I'm sorry, OP. :( Just know that is has nothing to do with you, it is her own issues that she has to deal with. I feel the same way about my parents and it's really hard to accept. But really, the person who suffers the most is the one who doesn't give love I think. You don't deserve that, though.