Venting It’s so frustrating

[losttagain]

I don't even know why I'm writing this here, I just don't really have anyone who I can be this honest with and I need to get it off my chest.
I've been on this site a year before, then "got better" and here I am again. I just can't even think anymore. I just sleep all the time and play games and watch tv all day to avoid having any thought. If I go out I just talk to people about the most boring stuff and go to school and come home again. I am pretending to everyone, even to myself. I just keep thinking, "I t's just one more day, then you will finally end this" But tue truth is I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I've been trying to buy all the stuff I need and gather informations for months, and I just keep delaying things because I can't deal with the thought that I will actually have to plan and go through killing myself. But it truly feels like the only option for me. I have this stupid hope that things will get better like it will magically fall from the sky, when I know that depending on me it will only get worse. I don't even know anymore if I'm lazy or if I hate myself so much that I can't finish anything that I start, so I just stopped starting. I just gave up on every hobby I had, every thing that made me feel good, even my hygiene. I just stopped trying because even if things start to get good in the end I am always my worst enemy. I self sabotage every relationship, every project, even daily activities. And yes I know this is probably due to depression, but at this point I feel like the problem is simply myself, my personality (or non existent one) , and my exhausting negativity. And god I can't stand myself, I hate myself so much that I just isolate from everyone and everything, and I can't stand hearing my voice in my head anymore. It's like I spend so much time alone with my thoughts I just want to throw my head on a wall and make it stop.
And I can't even talk with my family because I have to pretend that I'm fine and functional because I'm tired of worrying them when I know that nothing will change. It's like I'm a fucking robot. I'm living automatically, just eating and breathing. I can't deal with anything, even with the only thing I know will stop this hell. And it just makes me feel sooo fucking angry because I have everything. I have a loving family. I am studying what I like, I'm surrounded by art and nice people and any fucking good opportunity and possibility to make a decent life for myself. I have friends, they care for me. I'm in therapy, but I just go there and pretend that I'm fine as well because I truly have given up already a long time ago. It's like I'm already dead just waiting for death to come. I have never felt like a real person. It's like I don't have a personality, I just feel like a child. I'm stuck in childhood. I'll forever be a little girl that is too afraid to go out there in the real world and just hides behind her daddy's legs. Im not a real person. I don't really give myself to anything because I've never felt like myself. I can have all the good things around me and I just can't touch any of it. It all passes me by. Im tired. I don't even dream anymore, because I know I'm too afraid to conduct those dreams. I can't even live in the comfort of my little world because it was destroyed with the reality that I can't do anything outside of it. I always feel like an alien. Only when a love interest comes (which is usually some manipulative male that sees my fragility and abuses me) that I feel like I'm ok, but it's an illusion cause then they go away and I'm back at 0: only emotional dependence. I never loved anyone, I'm too afraid to go to someone and say I like them. I just let anyone that comes in take me, I just "love" whoever loves me. Same with friends.
I just feel like a fucking ghost. Who should've truly disappeared a long time ago.
I can't even stare my whining anymore which is why I stopped talking to people about how I feel. I just feel so ridiculous. Just complain and complain and complain and doesn't do anything. Like a spoiled little child. This is the main reason for me to wanna die, I just don't do anything about my misery. It's not like indent have the strength, im on antidepressants that even give me a bit of extra energy, I just don't think it will matter. Why trying if I know that the core of me is damaged, if I know that I will keep hating myself and sabotaging myself and talk talk and do nothing to change my faith? Even my mom is tired of my complaints, the same talk everyday, so I just stopped talking. I just laugh and pretend I'm going somewhere with my life. Part of me know I could reverse this situation with A LOT of effort, but I just don't have it in me. I can't even say a sentence in a socializing situation that makes any sense. If I can't do the bare minimum activities how the fuck am I gonna get somewhere in life? I can't even maintain friendships because I just stop answering everyone, I don't even know why they even like me or send me messages… and then I feel so angry because seeing others happy makes me so frustrated with myself… like even seeing someone just not struggling to do daily activities makes me feel so angry cause I can't do them.
makes me feel like such a monster for all this negative and angry emotions inside me…
I don't know if anyone is still reading this but it felt good to leave these thought somewhere. I just wanna get sn, and be able to swallow that shit up, I don't care about anything else, I can't keep doing this.

 

[blacktrain98]

I'm stuck in childhood. I'll forever be a little girl that is too afraid to go out there in the real world and just hides behind her daddy's legs. Im not a real person. I don't really give myself to anything because I've never felt like myself. I can have all the good things around me and I just can't touch any of it. It all passes me by. Im tired.

I hear you. I'm not fully here anymore either. I feel like I'm reading my own words written from another timeline.

I can't even hold a conversation with someone in real life... It's like I lost the ability to be normal and human. It's all robotic, fake dialogue, and I always hope the other person drops the chat before they realize that something is off about me. Nothing should be wrong with me, but everything is, and it gets worse as I get older. I know it's probably some innate chemical imbalance and there are medicines to try if I ever am able to crawl up that hill, but in my current state it feels like it would be throwing gas on a fire. Numbness is the closest thing to healing I can get right now.

 

[losttagain]

I hear you. I'm not fully here anymore either. I feel like I'm reading my own words written from another timeline.

I can't even hold a conversation with someone in real life... It's like I lost the ability to be normal and human. It's all robotic, fake dialogue, and I always hope the other person drops the chat before they realize that something is off about me. Nothing should be wrong with me, but everything is, and it gets worse as I get older. I know it's probably some innate chemical imbalance and there are medicines to try if I ever am able to crawl up that hill, but in my current state it feels like it would be throwing gas on a fire. Numbness is the closest thing to healing I can get right now.

I feel you… whenever I talk to someone it's like I get off my normal numb state for a few seconds and am trying desperately to not show any sign of my state, like aware of every word and movement, which ends up being really awkward… I don't have the energy to put my life together when just simple things as these take all of my energy and make me feel so bad

About trying medicines, honestly I think you should at least try. With me, they only made me feel numb as fuck, like I'm forced to not be sad but I'm not ok either, just numb to all emotions. It makes you functional but doesn't treat the core of the problems, in my case it just makes me feel really self aware which makes me even more suicidal

 

[blacktrain98]

I feel you… whenever I talk to someone it's like I get off my normal numb state for a few seconds and am trying desperately to not show any sign of my state, like aware of every word and movement, which ends up being really awkward… I don't have the energy to put my life together when just simple things as these take all of my energy and make me feel so bad

About trying medicines, honestly I think you should at least try. With me, they only made me feel numb as fuck, like I'm forced to not be sad but I'm not ok either, just numb to all emotions. It makes you functional but doesn't treat the core of the problems, in my case it just makes me feel really self aware which makes me even more suicidal

I'll look into it, I appreciate the advice. I know I'm going to have to try eventually.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

I just can't even think anymore. I just sleep all the time and play games and watch tv all day to avoid having any thought. If I go out I just talk to people about the most boring stuff and go to school and come home again. I am pretending to everyone, even to myself. I just keep thinking, "I t's just one more day, then you will finally end this" But tue truth is I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I've been trying to buy all the stuff I need and gather informations for months, and I just keep delaying things because I can't deal with the thought that I will actually have to plan and go through killing myself. But it truly feels like the only option for me. I have this stupid hope that things will get better like it will magically fall from the sky, when I know that depending on me it will only get worse. I don't even know anymore if I'm lazy or if I hate myself so much that I can't finish anything that I start, so I just stopped starting. I just gave up on every hobby I had, every thing that made me feel good, even my hygiene. I just stopped trying because even if things start to get good in the end I am always my worst enemy. I self sabotage every relationship, every project, even daily activities. And yes I know this is probably due to depression, but at this point I feel like the problem is simply myself, my personality (or non existent one) , and my exhausting negativity. And god I can't stand myself, I hate myself so much that I just isolate from everyone and everything, and I can't stand hearing my voice in my head anymore. It's like I spend so much time alone with my thoughts I just want to throw my head on a wall and make it stop.

Honestly, kind of same :( with a few tweaks, I could have written this myself. I too keep postponing my ctb preparations, as if something will get better, all the while knowing full well that there I don't have much of a choice. Usually I am a curious creature, read a lot, do a lot, learn a lot...but now all I do is doom scroll YouTube shorts for hours. Haven't read a book in ages.

 

[sorrymyfault]

I don't even know why I'm writing this here, I just don't really have anyone who I can be this honest with and I need to get it off my chest.
I've been on this site a year before, then "got better" and here I am again. I just can't even think anymore. I just sleep all the time and play games and watch tv all day to avoid having any thought. If I go out I just talk to people about the most boring stuff and go to school and come home again. I am pretending to everyone, even to myself. I just keep thinking, "I t's just one more day, then you will finally end this" But tue truth is I don't even have the courage to kill myself. I've been trying to buy all the stuff I need and gather informations for months, and I just keep delaying things because I can't deal with the thought that I will actually have to plan and go through killing myself. But it truly feels like the only option for me. I have this stupid hope that things will get better like it will magically fall from the sky, when I know that depending on me it will only get worse. I don't even know anymore if I'm lazy or if I hate myself so much that I can't finish anything that I start, so I just stopped starting. I just gave up on every hobby I had, every thing that made me feel good, even my hygiene. I just stopped trying because even if things start to get good in the end I am always my worst enemy. I self sabotage every relationship, every project, even daily activities. And yes I know this is probably due to depression, but at this point I feel like the problem is simply myself, my personality (or non existent one) , and my exhausting negativity. And god I can't stand myself, I hate myself so much that I just isolate from everyone and everything, and I can't stand hearing my voice in my head anymore. It's like I spend so much time alone with my thoughts I just want to throw my head on a wall and make it stop.
And I can't even talk with my family because I have to pretend that I'm fine and functional because I'm tired of worrying them when I know that nothing will change. It's like I'm a fucking robot. I'm living automatically, just eating and breathing. I can't deal with anything, even with the only thing I know will stop this hell. And it just makes me feel sooo fucking angry because I have everything. I have a loving family. I am studying what I like, I'm surrounded by art and nice people and any fucking good opportunity and possibility to make a decent life for myself. I have friends, they care for me. I'm in therapy, but I just go there and pretend that I'm fine as well because I truly have given up already a long time ago. It's like I'm already dead just waiting for death to come. I have never felt like a real person. It's like I don't have a personality, I just feel like a child. I'm stuck in childhood. I'll forever be a little girl that is too afraid to go out there in the real world and just hides behind her daddy's legs. Im not a real person. I don't really give myself to anything because I've never felt like myself. I can have all the good things around me and I just can't touch any of it. It all passes me by. Im tired. I don't even dream anymore, because I know I'm too afraid to conduct those dreams. I can't even live in the comfort of my little world because it was destroyed with the reality that I can't do anything outside of it. I always feel like an alien. Only when a love interest comes (which is usually some manipulative male that sees my fragility and abuses me) that I feel like I'm ok, but it's an illusion cause then they go away and I'm back at 0: only emotional dependence. I never loved anyone, I'm too afraid to go to someone and say I like them. I just let anyone that comes in take me, I just "love" whoever loves me. Same with friends.
I just feel like a fucking ghost. Who should've truly disappeared a long time ago.
I can't even stare my whining anymore which is why I stopped talking to people about how I feel. I just feel so ridiculous. Just complain and complain and complain and doesn't do anything. Like a spoiled little child. This is the main reason for me to wanna die, I just don't do anything about my misery. It's not like indent have the strength, im on antidepressants that even give me a bit of extra energy, I just don't think it will matter. Why trying if I know that the core of me is damaged, if I know that I will keep hating myself and sabotaging myself and talk talk and do nothing to change my faith? Even my mom is tired of my complaints, the same talk everyday, so I just stopped talking. I just laugh and pretend I'm going somewhere with my life. Part of me know I could reverse this situation with A LOT of effort, but I just don't have it in me. I can't even say a sentence in a socializing situation that makes any sense. If I can't do the bare minimum activities how the fuck am I gonna get somewhere in life? I can't even maintain friendships because I just stop answering everyone, I don't even know why they even like me or send me messages… and then I feel so angry because seeing others happy makes me so frustrated with myself… like even seeing someone just not struggling to do daily activities makes me feel so angry cause I can't do them.
makes me feel like such a monster for all this negative and angry emotions inside me…
I don't know if anyone is still reading this but it felt good to leave these thought somewhere. I just wanna get sn, and be able to swallow that shit up, I don't care about anything else, I can't keep doing this.

I understand you. Is it the thought that it takes so much effort just to be average or "normal" that exhausts you? Not to be the guy that's like "this is so me" but I truly relate with what you've written down here and with my own self sabotaging behaviors I've dug my own grave with them for the most part.

 

[losttagain]

I understand you. Is it the thought that it takes so much effort just to be average or "normal" that exhausts you? Not to be the guy that's like "this is so me" but I truly relate with what you've written down here and with my own self sabotaging behaviors I've dug my own grave with them for the most part.

Yes, mostly just being functional. I can't function to the most basic things. I can't just live life lightly, just enjoy the normal things that seem to make everyone go on. It's stupid but I really feel like an alien. Pretty self centered to feel like that, but I do. Maybe that's the problem. Idk. Sometimes I feel that some people are meant to go through life, others aren't. Maybe this is a way to justify not being able to put your life together, maybe it's just the way it is. Like some people are born damaged, and there's nothing one can do to help. Either they have the strength to help themselves or they don't… idk, what are your plans?

 

[sorrymyfault]

Yes, mostly just being functional. I can't function to the most basic things. I can't just live life lightly, just enjoy the normal things that seem to make everyone go on. It's stupid but I really feel like an alien. Pretty self centered to feel like that, but I do. Maybe that's the problem. Idk. Sometimes I feel that some people are meant to go through life, others aren't. Maybe this is a way to justify not being able to put your life together, maybe it's just the way it is. Like some people are born damaged, and there's nothing one can do to help. Either they have the strength to help themselves or they don't… idk, what are your plans?

Sorry for the late reply but I wanted to manage with my own thoughts for a while, I have no idea how the brain works but surely it could be a malfunction of hormones or a restriction caused from the brain due to external stress. Because myself I never enjoyed having fun if you put it lightly, sure I've attempted and at that point I might have had that dopamine rush for some amount of time but after any activity my mind would immediately switch to how fucking terrible I did at that game/sport/whatever or how I was perceived and laughed at/whatever that I didn't have any positive feelings left circling in my head. In my experience what I've noticed that even if I had symptoms of mental illness very early on my parents wouldn't care, point at technology or make other excuses like it's normal while growing up to feel anxious or whatever. I dont know if it was my fault at not expressing enough or too much at wrong occasions that lead to those expectations of my character that blinded my parents to take action. I can remember very early on acting weird and being an emotional wreck at times, you could say that I grew up normally from an outsiders perspective but that wouldn't sit right with me knowing how I felt during interactions and basically during everything. I dont know if my tendency to be jealous made me just a means of comparison in my mind and how inferior I am in most ways. I dont know if the tendency to act tough and not seem like the emotional wreck I was and still am further destroyed my mind. I was never meant to be born, I was malnourished as a baby and it is a "gift" I survived but should I had? So many times have I thought that I was never meant to be that further depletes my sense of self and how every day I am making a million mistakes because my mind is nothing more than nothing. But yet again I'm afraid of death especially after my first attempt catching the bus years ago, it is like I am addicted to a drug that makes me dumber and dumber each time I take it yet I can't stop. I can't be the sole person that had a life like this. Some people truly enjoy their time here and I want to be that person so bad it is making everything worse. What do you feel and sorry again for the late reply