sancta-simplicitas
Wizard
- Dec 14, 2023
- 601
Hopefully, I am going via partial tonight. I've reached my limit of what I can take. I had no idea just how much that was. I truly believe that I'm cursed at this point.
I originally joined SaSU last year, after I had spent a year livig in the aftermath of having been abused by a psychologist. Who specialized in trauma. Whom I saught out and paid out of pocket because I've been abused by the public mental health services. Whom I saught out because I was abused by two different girlfriends. Whom I saught out because I was abused as a child.
I ended up agoraphobic after the two years of being mentally deconstructed by the most evil person I ever met. I pushed myself through panic attacks every day for almost three months to sort it out and when I was done I realized there was nothing to live for. I had lost nearly all my friends due to isolation, my ability to ever support myself is ruined forever since the stress made me develop chronic fatigue and cognitive decline. I was continuesly discriminated and retraumatized by the primary care clinic I had to see, because I need a note from a doctor every three months and it was an endless hell having to go back there and being treated like dogshit. I had nothing but shame and unrelenting pain.
Against all odds, it actually got better. I found an amazing friend who helped me through thick and thin. Eventually I found several new friends, and old ones came back. I took steps to socialize again. I found a new doctor whom actually respects me.
I also met an amazing woman, whom I believe is the love of my life. Have you ever met someone who has it all, everything you want in a partner? Someone who's once in a life time. That's the kind of person she is for me. She is amazing. I have never experienced such luck in my life. And I was terrified she wasn't real. Because how could she?
I spiraled. I latched on to any sign of her potentially being an abuser. She was still there. I mistrusted her and thought she was lying. She was still there. She made a couple of mistakes, that made me terrrified and she went to great lengths to take responsibility for them. She was still there. Eventually, she broke. And she left me. She said she still loves me, but can't stand hurting me anymore and can't stand being afraid of hurting me. She is seeking therapy, and it's all my fault. Mine, and that wretched monster whom the state allows to be in a position of power over vulnerable people. The worst part is, that she believes it's her fault. I broke the woman of my dreams.
Trauma has taken away a lot from me. I never got a proper childhood. I never got to experience safe attachment. I couldn't finish school and seek higher education. I have never been able to support myself. I lost my intelligence and energy at age 28. Now I have lost my ability to love. I'm not going to take this anymore. This is one too much.
My plan for today is to get my affairs in order.
I have already sent most of my savings to my best friend. I wasn't telling the truth about the reason and I hope that she can forgive me. She inherits me, but since I have done damage to my apartment I'll likely end up in debt post-mortem and she wouldn't be able to get any money any other way.
I've reached out to my other best friend - who supports my decision to CTB - and ask if there is anything she wants. If she does, I will send it off before I leave.
I'm meeting my now... Ex... Tonight. We will talk through what happened. I will give her my favorite book, the one I used to read to her. I will also offer to pay for a part of her therapy with the savings I couldn't send to my bestie today. She is unlikely to accept it but I'll try. I'll also offer that she can contact my best friend, whom has similar experiences as she does.
When she leaves, I'll potentially get some kind of cake for a last meal. I feel nauseous though, so, we'll see. I already have my noose set up and lubed up in my closet. I'll chug down some whiskey, send a scheduled text message to my ex for tomorrow because I need someone to take care of my cat. He will have a huge bowl of kibble and two big bowls of water. Then I'll leave.
My last will declines a funeral service, so it shouldn't be too expensive. I do not wish to be cremated though, so it's going to cost some. I hope my savings are enough. I also ask for as few people to be informed as possible, and that my parents or relatives won't be involved in some way.
I feel all set. This is it.
I will keep this thread for venting purposes and update it during the day. Thank you SaSu for providing the only true safe space on the internet.
Peace.
I originally joined SaSU last year, after I had spent a year livig in the aftermath of having been abused by a psychologist. Who specialized in trauma. Whom I saught out and paid out of pocket because I've been abused by the public mental health services. Whom I saught out because I was abused by two different girlfriends. Whom I saught out because I was abused as a child.
I ended up agoraphobic after the two years of being mentally deconstructed by the most evil person I ever met. I pushed myself through panic attacks every day for almost three months to sort it out and when I was done I realized there was nothing to live for. I had lost nearly all my friends due to isolation, my ability to ever support myself is ruined forever since the stress made me develop chronic fatigue and cognitive decline. I was continuesly discriminated and retraumatized by the primary care clinic I had to see, because I need a note from a doctor every three months and it was an endless hell having to go back there and being treated like dogshit. I had nothing but shame and unrelenting pain.
Against all odds, it actually got better. I found an amazing friend who helped me through thick and thin. Eventually I found several new friends, and old ones came back. I took steps to socialize again. I found a new doctor whom actually respects me.
I also met an amazing woman, whom I believe is the love of my life. Have you ever met someone who has it all, everything you want in a partner? Someone who's once in a life time. That's the kind of person she is for me. She is amazing. I have never experienced such luck in my life. And I was terrified she wasn't real. Because how could she?
I spiraled. I latched on to any sign of her potentially being an abuser. She was still there. I mistrusted her and thought she was lying. She was still there. She made a couple of mistakes, that made me terrrified and she went to great lengths to take responsibility for them. She was still there. Eventually, she broke. And she left me. She said she still loves me, but can't stand hurting me anymore and can't stand being afraid of hurting me. She is seeking therapy, and it's all my fault. Mine, and that wretched monster whom the state allows to be in a position of power over vulnerable people. The worst part is, that she believes it's her fault. I broke the woman of my dreams.
Trauma has taken away a lot from me. I never got a proper childhood. I never got to experience safe attachment. I couldn't finish school and seek higher education. I have never been able to support myself. I lost my intelligence and energy at age 28. Now I have lost my ability to love. I'm not going to take this anymore. This is one too much.
My plan for today is to get my affairs in order.
I have already sent most of my savings to my best friend. I wasn't telling the truth about the reason and I hope that she can forgive me. She inherits me, but since I have done damage to my apartment I'll likely end up in debt post-mortem and she wouldn't be able to get any money any other way.
I've reached out to my other best friend - who supports my decision to CTB - and ask if there is anything she wants. If she does, I will send it off before I leave.
I'm meeting my now... Ex... Tonight. We will talk through what happened. I will give her my favorite book, the one I used to read to her. I will also offer to pay for a part of her therapy with the savings I couldn't send to my bestie today. She is unlikely to accept it but I'll try. I'll also offer that she can contact my best friend, whom has similar experiences as she does.
When she leaves, I'll potentially get some kind of cake for a last meal. I feel nauseous though, so, we'll see. I already have my noose set up and lubed up in my closet. I'll chug down some whiskey, send a scheduled text message to my ex for tomorrow because I need someone to take care of my cat. He will have a huge bowl of kibble and two big bowls of water. Then I'll leave.
My last will declines a funeral service, so it shouldn't be too expensive. I do not wish to be cremated though, so it's going to cost some. I hope my savings are enough. I also ask for as few people to be informed as possible, and that my parents or relatives won't be involved in some way.
I feel all set. This is it.
I will keep this thread for venting purposes and update it during the day. Thank you SaSu for providing the only true safe space on the internet.
Peace.
