Story I've always known I would die by suicide

[iwanttodie000]

I've always known I would die by suicide. I've had these feeling since I was young. They intensified around 12 or so and ever since, all day, everyday, my suicidal thoughts have raged. Looking back, I wish I had done it back then when I was younger. It would have saved me so many years of BS, my family could have processed it back then and moved on with their lives and I could have found my peace. Fast forward many years later and here I am, miserable, full of hate for myself, for the world and still battling my suicidal thoughts daily in a really fucked up world to boot. But now, my plan is coming together and I will become another suicide statastic, something I've wanted to be for years. My time is getting closer and closer, no turning back now, eyes are on the prize, non existance and peace. I will take my own life. Bring it on.

 

[WornOutLife]

What a coincidence!
I've been suicidal since I'm 12 and from that moment I knew I would ctb.
The thing is, I don't have neither a plan nor the guts to do it yet.

You know you can count on me whenever you wanna talk, pal.

 

[Lady black]

I also think about it since I'm 12

 

[Lost10]

It would have been harder for your family at 12 if that brings you any peace. Wondering what could have been for your life is harder. Lives stopped too young is harder. The more life you live the easier it is on those left behind.

 

[Makko]

Suicide is the only way to die that gives the one dying any agency. There's a lot of appeal in that.

 

[W’ren]

Interesting... my first suicide attempt was at the age of 12.
I have attempted a few times since- and have also known that ultimately i would leave this life on my terms.

 

[Bigpink]

Felt it since I was in my teens,that I don't wanna be here and will never amount to much. Much older now and feel exactly the same. I have failed at life.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Me too.

 

[Rockman]

Im glad that your relief is coming. Also suicidal since 13 when you start trying out new social roles. But when your family is fucked up, your head will get fucked up and possibly more suicidal. Hug.

 

[sadgirl2002]

I also knew I will die by suicide when I was around 9 or 10, possibly even younger than that, who knows. At 13, I realized I was depressed and suicidal. I wish I had ended it back then but I didn't know how and I'm sure a little part of me was afraid.. but I really wanted to go. I will get my wish very soon.

 

[strangeceleste]

My first suicidal thoughts were also around 10, as far as I remember. I wish I ended it as a teenager but here I am at the ripe old age of 23, with far too many attachments to go imminently now :/

 

[Moon Flower]

Yeah I can vibe with this. If I have to go out it's gonna be on my terms. Felt that way as long as I can remember.

 

[iTriedButCursed]

I've wished to die every single day, even on those pretty good rare days. I tried at life, so hard, and hoped I'd die of natural causes. But I can no longer take this endless shit that's thrown at me. I'm beyond hope.

 

[DivineMedicus]

That was the first suicidal thought, which manifested when I was still a child, believe it or not. Most children at that age foresee themselves as functioning adults doing "adult things" and possessing additional - sometimes "cool" - privileges, but 7-year-old me saw absolute null during the worst of days, or pitch black nothingness during the best. It's as if I was blind and trying to visualize what a rainbow looked like. "How terrifyingly odd", little-me wondered. As I grew older, I began to understand what these manifestations meant: I was always disenchanted by life, never really felt the drive to do or create things. I think this may in part have to do with not having any role models in my childhood, whereas most children have their own selection of role-models to draw inspiration from - to cultivate schematics for personal growth.

Anyways, if I saw absolute zilch when I tried to visualize where I will be in the next 10-20 years, my mind immediately jumped to death. I was acquainted with death at an young age, having learned that my grandfather died around the time I was born, and watching my other grandparents succumb to disease and gradual deterioration of health. "Such is life", my parents would usually tell me. I believe that was an attempt to console me, to make me acknowledge that nothing is permanent on this Earth and we should celebrate all the wonderful moments we have had with our loved ones. Instead, this notion made me increasingly more uncomfortable and distressed; why suffer the tribulations of life then, if nothing is permanent? That rainbow I tried to visualize earlier will disappear eventually, so why bother? I saw, once again, that glaring darkness hovering over my empty future, and felt an alien urgency to do what needed to be done...

 

[JamieD]

My first thoughts were when I was about 11 or 12....certainly the start of puberty and knowing i was in the wrong body. I have had a few failed attempts but I know soon my time will be here to ctb. And I am ready.....

 

[iwanttodie000]

Cool to know I am not alone, and haven't been alone with these thoughts even though it's felt like it. I appreciate everyone's comments and personal stories/thoughts, definitely helps. Kind of a surreal feeling getting closer and closer to my ctb date I set, still tons to do and still waiting on my gun to come in, but such a good feeling to know that it will be over soon, I hope, as long as my plan isn't derailed.

 

[Loser47]

I was too optimistic, I used to think why anyone would commit suicide but all this changed when reality of life hit me when I was 19, ever since then I have known for sure at some point I'll kill myself.

 

[fred farkle]

Felt it since I was in my teens,that I don't wanna be here and will never amount to much. Much older now and feel exactly the same. I have failed at life.

i must admit this applies to me,too. desire for ctb ebbs and flows. i may have made a mistake putting it off. i might have done it when i was more ensconced in Emotional Hell.

 

[Natty]

It's a horrible shame that so many of you have been fighting this for so long. I've only been in this boat for 7-8 years now, I couldn't imagine doubling that number.

 

[iwanttodie000]

It's a horrible shame that so many of you have been fighting this for so long. I've only been in this boat for 7-8 years now, I couldn't imagine doubling that number.

It sucks that any of us have to deal with it for any amount of time. I've been dealing with it for well over 25 years and it sucks. But 7-8 years is a good chunk of time too, any amount of time fighting with this sucks. I'm done fighting though, I hope to be gone by the end of May

 

[Trisolaris]

Since my mental health issues started I knew I would die by suicide eventually too.

 

[Joey]

I'm 27 right now and I've always known that I would die by suicide too. Waiting till I'm 30 when I'll eventually pull the plug. It's more of a personal decision and not the heat of the moment.

 

[booray]

When I was a kid, I had a feeling that I would not live to be an old man, but my thoughts were on dying of a fatal disease. I'm 59 now and it's only been in the past four years that I've become suicidal since my mental health took a nosedive. I can't imagine having been this way all my life. I never would have made it this long.

 

[summers]

I'm actually amazed I'm still alive. I thought I would die from crashing a motorcycle or car, getting shot by accident messing around with friends, getting run over whilst riding my bicycle or skating, crashing while racing on skis. I haven't lead any kind of safe life, and yet here I am. Oh well, any of those things could still happen.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

i never imagined myself going any other way unless someone decided to murder me...

 

[alienatedmom9999]

I've always known I would die by suicide. I've had these feeling since I was young. They intensified around 12 or so and ever since, all day, everyday, my suicidal thoughts have raged. Looking back, I wish I had done it back then when I was younger. It would have saved me so many years of BS, my family could have processed it back then and moved on with their lives and I could have found my peace. Fast forward many years later and here I am, miserable, full of hate for myself, for the world and still battling my suicidal thoughts daily in a really fucked up world to boot. But now, my plan is coming together and I will become another suicide statastic, something I've wanted to be for years. My time is getting closer and closer, no turning back now, eyes are on the prize, non existance and peace. I will take my own life. Bring it on.

I've always known I would die at my own hand…I don't think I knew it would be suicide (I know that now), but I always knew I would cause my own death…

 

[All Things Must Pass]

There is nothing inherently wrong with suicide. It doesn't have to be a tragedy.

 

[alienatedmom9999]

There is nothing inherently wrong with suicide. It doesn't have to be a tragedy.

I completely agree. There is a growing movement (in the US) of people who believe the terminally ill should be allowed to "die with dignity." Why is physical pain more valid than emotional pain? Loneliness is a terminal condition (studies show chronic loneliness increases one's risk of dying by 45%--more than smoking), so why is someone with terminal cancer allowed to "die with dignity," but someone with chronic loneliness isn't?

 

[FuneralCry]

I have known that too. Old age has always been my worst nightmare and I see the life expectancy as being too long. I have always struggled with life and I think ctb is my fate really. Suicide is a way of gaining control over a life we never asked for. I would rather die by suicide than being in an accident for example, I would like to die on my own terms and when I feel ready.