Story I’ve been in a deep depression for 8 months. I want to get well but now feel like CTB is my only option

[feelingtrapped]

Hi All, I'm new here. Appreciate having somewhere to vent where I can get honest feedback and not just told to be positive.

I'm a 42/F and I've been suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts for over 8 months and it was building up before that probably for 2 years. I've tried therapy, anti depressants, ketamine and TMS with no success and I'm getting increasingly desperate. I can't sleep and my appetite is terrible and I have no motivation for anything. I was formerly a fairly happy and productive person but life just dragged me down. I have some PTSD related to work, left that job and had to move in with my parents. Was supposed to be temporary but with being sick I've had to stay. I had planned to travel before all this happened to try to get some new perspectives and hopefully find happiness again but the PTSD and nightmares prevented this. My life is just so far from where I want it to be- job wise, financially and mostly I want a partner and family and don't have that. Dating and finding someone was hard enough when I was well and now just literally feels impossible. And if I don't have children soon it will be too late. I've never been a bitter or resentful person but this is turning me that way. I have friends and family that care but they all have their lives together so it makes it painful for me to interact with them.

I worked so hard my life to try to do the right things and be a good friend and family member and I think I naively thought that that in some way should guarantee happiness. But I've never had a truly successful romantic relationship and I hate my career choice and where I live. I tried for years to work on these things annd change them and not to let the challenges overwhelm me but it finally got to be too much.

And now I am lost. Each day I don't feel any better just turns me more and more into a person I don't want to be. Lazy, bitter, resentful. And I don't see any hope of getting better. I've tried everything at this point. I'd rather be gone when I still remember what it was like to be happy and everyone who knows me still remembers me that way too. But at the same time I know it would devastate them. But it still seems better than being a burden and living a sad existence. I just can't handle the pain anymore and seeing the impact it has on my parents. I'd try other options but what else is there? I think I'm just fundamentally disappointed in life and there's no way around that… Thoughts…

 

[chr74]

hi your story i imagine is similar to many others here on this forum including myself. there was a time in the past when we were doing ok but for whatever reason be it depression or other things, our lives have got to a point where we feel we would be better off dead, so at least we exit at a point where most of our life was good and we check out before the bad years outweigh the good years.

im currently receiving some therapy at the moment and trying some new med out but i wont pretend any of that is really helping to be honest

 

[Humanoid]

I would love to say that everything will turn out great and you should keep going, but I unfortunatly don't know whether that is true. I am way younger than you and am still figuring things out as I go, so I can't really give you some tried and tested advice either. What I can say is that I personally believe that there are a lot of beautiful things in life and it truly is a personal question whether you think that makes live worth living, despite the not-so-great parts. I won't stop you from CTB but you should probably consider it very carefully, seeing as they do not sell retour tickets. I don't really have anything else to offer you but mmy empathy and sincere hope you make the disicion that is truly right fot you.

 

[macrocosm]

Hi All, I'm new here. Appreciate having somewhere to vent where I can get honest feedback and not just told to be positive.

I'm a 42/F and I've been suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts for over 8 months and it was building up before that probably for 2 years. I've tried therapy, anti depressants, ketamine and TMS with no success and I'm getting increasingly desperate. I can't sleep and my appetite is terrible and I have no motivation for anything. I was formerly a fairly happy and productive person but life just dragged me down. I have some PTSD related to work, left that job and had to move in with my parents. Was supposed to be temporary but with being sick I've had to stay. I had planned to travel before all this happened to try to get some new perspectives and hopefully find happiness again but the PTSD and nightmares prevented this. My life is just so far from where I want it to be- job wise, financially and mostly I want a partner and family and don't have that. Dating and finding someone was hard enough when I was well and now just literally feels impossible. And if I don't have children soon it will be too late. I've never been a bitter or resentful person but this is turning me that way. I have friends and family that care but they all have their lives together so it makes it painful for me to interact with them.

I worked so hard my life to try to do the right things and be a good friend and family member and I think I naively thought that that in some way should guarantee happiness. But I've never had a truly successful romantic relationship and I hate my career choice and where I live. I tried for years to work on these things annd change them and not to let the challenges overwhelm me but it finally got to be too much.

And now I am lost. Each day I don't feel any better just turns me more and more into a person I don't want to be. Lazy, bitter, resentful. And I don't see any hope of getting better. I've tried everything at this point. I'd rather be gone when I still remember what it was like to be happy and everyone who knows me still remembers me that way too. But at the same time I know it would devastate them. But it still seems better than being a burden and living a sad existence. I just can't handle the pain anymore and seeing the impact it has on my parents. I'd try other options but what else is there? I think I'm just fundamentally disappointed in life and there's no way around that… Thoughts…

I'm 45 and have suffered from clinical depression my whole life. It got so bad the last few years I wouldn't get out of bed for days even though I had work responsibilities. I prayed everyday that I won't wake up the next morning. I was afraid to do anything and hated myself thinking I was worthless and useless even though I had a career and never lacked for anything.

I know how you feel. You aren't lazy, you're not a burden, the ways you feel about yourself are symptoms of depression and not reality.

Sertraline and ketamine and talk therapy have helped get me out of the worst of it. But honestly I still plan to end my life at some point soon. I don't see propose in life anymore.

But it sounds like you have hesitations, so I hope you find ways to get you through. Have you tried Sertraline? If so have you considered changing up your life, like moving, new job, etc? Maybe finding a focus or purpose that you can commit yourself to?

I wish I could help more

 

[FuneralCry]

It does sound like you've suffered a lot and it must be really tiring what you have to go through. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel, and to me it could never be a good thing to bring more life into this hellish world, there really is no need to create unnecessary suffering. But anyway, best wishes.

 

[chr74]

i was wondering because ketamine has been mentioned a few times, are any of you in the uk? i ask as was wondering if its a treatment option in this country now ?

 

[macrocosm]

i was wondering because ketamine has been mentioned a few times, are any of you in the uk? i ask as was wondering if its a treatment option in this country now ?

Not sure, it's legal in the US, and recently mdma and other psychedelics

 

[LittleJem]

i was wondering because ketamine has been mentioned a few times, are any of you in the uk? i ask as was wondering if its a treatment option in this country now ?

yes definitely. It's pricey. Awakn in Bristol. Various K clinics in London. Only in Oxford on the NHS

 

[EfiLoneVolon]

Its a shame that medication and therapy didnt work. You say that you mostly want a partner and a familly but can't dating now , it is because your financial misfortune or depressed state of mind, maybe both ? Maybe you should try again, it could help you mentally and who know, you could find someone good.About children, what about adoption? There is thousand of kid waiting to be loved. Iam a neophyte about relationships but there is probably still hope.

 

[feelingtrapped]

Thanks for the responses! Yes I tried to be hopeful for so long and try different options and not let it get to me when things didn't work out. I think I just got to my saturation point of disappointment and now I have nothing left. My family keeps telling me it will get better but evidence seems to prove the contrary. Perhaps I'm scared to have any hope? My preference would be to just end the pain but I also don't want to hurt others. I understand that from their point of view it's better to keep trying but for me to keep going on just to feel worse and worse and act worse and worse seems terrible…
Thank you for your reply and I am so sorry you're suffering too. I did try ketamine and sertraline and they didn't work
Unfortunately.

Why are you planning on ending your life if those methods have helped? Has it gotten bad again?

I've considered all those things- new job, new city, etc but have hit so many roadblocks.

I'm so full of regret of what might have been that it's eating at me. I don't want to turn into what I know it will do to me. I'd rather be someone who was fun and happy at some point and no longer alive than someone who is miserable and no one wants to be around. Is that selfish? I struggle with that.. sometimes it really seems for the best

I'm 45 and have suffered from clinical depression my whole life. It got so bad the last few years I wouldn't get out of bed for days even though I had work responsibilities. I prayed everyday that I won't wake up the next morning. I was afraid to do anything and hated myself thinking I was worthless and useless even though I had a career and never lacked for anything.

I know how you feel. You aren't lazy, you're not a burden, the ways you feel about yourself are symptoms of depression and not reality.

Sertraline and ketamine and talk therapy have helped get me out of the worst of it. But honestly I still plan to end my life at some point soon. I don't see propose in life anymore.

But it sounds like you have hesitations, so I hope you find ways to get you through. Have you tried Sertraline? If so have you considered changing up your life, like moving, new job, etc? Maybe finding a focus or purpose that you can commit yourself to?

I wish I could help more

hi your story i imagine is similar to many others here on this forum including myself. there was a time in the past when we were doing ok but for whatever reason be it depression or other things, our lives have got to a point where we feel we would be better off dead, so at least we exit at a point where most of our life was good and we check out before the bad years outweigh the good years.

im currently receiving some therapy at the moment and trying some new med out but i wont pretend any of that is really helping to be honest

Do you not find the therapy helpful at all? I think I'm so discouraged since I feel like I've tried all the things and nothing has helped

It's a shame that medication and therapy didnt work. You say that you mostly want a partner and a familly but can't dating now , it is because your financial misfortune or depressed state of mind, maybe both ? Maybe you should try again, it could help you mentally and who know, you could find someone good.About children, what about adoption? There is thousand of kid waiting to be loved. Iam a neophyte about relationships but there is probably still hope.

Thanks for the reply. I think the dating is mostly tough since I don't feel like myself. The financial stuff doesn't help either.

I would considered adoption but only if I was in a better place. I'd only want a child if I could give him or her a great life

It does sound like you've suffered a lot and it must be really tiring what you have to go through. Life really is so unnecessarily cruel, and to me it could never be a good thing to bring more life into this hellish world, there really is no need to create unnecessary suffering. But anyway, best wishes.

Thank you for the reply. It really can be. I honestly just have no interest in living any more. I'm just struggling with the morality of it. It's very tough. I hope you're doing ok

 

[LittleJem]

I also usually feel this way…every relationship failed or ended, no job etc. At the moment my mood is better and it doesn't bother me…but this heading for old age with nothing in my life does seem pointless and I'm here still for now mainly not to upset people.

You could try psilocybin; amitryptiline (great reviews on drugs.com) or olanzapine &fluoextine as a combo…(60 per cent effficacy in TRD). The second two are good for sleep. Psilocybin retreats are run in Jamaica and Holland and maybe other places…

Weed is amazing for insomnia and lack of appetite…prescribed legally at various cannabis clinics now in the UK with an online consultation. For some it also helps with the suicidal thoughts.

Kambo is an unusual something that did help my appetite and also some of my depression. There was an ex policewoman there who said it helped her PTSD.

For children, Pollen Tree is interesting. You can find someone to co-parent with. A few people even meet partners on there…

Have you tried 5 HTP or L Tryptophan? I read that Jim Carrey uses it for depression.

I wonder if acupuncture is worth trying for sleep/appetite.

If only we could wipe trauma from the brain.

Is any of this worth it. I don't know. How many things do we try and how long do we suffer before people can accept that this is no life.

 

[macrocosm]

Thanks for the responses! Yes I tried to be hopeful for so long and try different options and not let it get to me when things didn't work out. I think I just got to my saturation point of disappointment and now I have nothing left. My family keeps telling me it will get better but evidence seems to prove the contrary. Perhaps I'm scared to have any hope? My preference would be to just end the pain but I also don't want to hurt others. I understand that from their point of view it's better to keep trying but for me to keep going on just to feel worse and worse and act worse and worse seems terrible…
Thank you for your reply and I am so sorry you're suffering too. I did try ketamine and sertraline and they didn't work
Unfortunately.

Why are you planning on ending your life if those methods have helped? Has it gotten bad again?

I've considered all those things- new job, new city, etc but have hit so many roadblocks.

I'm so full of regret of what might have been that it's eating at me. I don't want to turn into what I know it will do to me. I'd rather be someone who was fun and happy at some point and no longer alive than someone who is miserable and no one wants to be around. Is that selfish? I struggle with that.. sometimes it really seems for the best


Do you not find the therapy helpful at all? I think I'm so discouraged since I feel like I've tried all the things and nothing has helped

Thanks for the reply. I think the dating is mostly tough since I don't feel like myself. The financial stuff doesn't help either.

I would considered adoption but only if I was in a better place. I'd only want a child if I could give him or her a great life

Thank you for the reply. It really can be. I honestly just have no interest in living any more. I'm just struggling with the morality of it. It's very tough. I hope you're doing ok

I'm planning it because it's just been a part of me for so long. Almost a philosophical or spiritual led choice. And honestly I'm still not 100% ok even after all the help I sought.

Maybe if I had started treatment sooner, things might have been a little different. But I let it drag my whole life and 5 years of that were absolute hell, a dark place I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Or maybe nothing wouldn't have changed. I'll never know.

Anyway don't beat yourself up. You yourself said that your family and friends love you and care, hence your feelings of guilt if you left, and I'm %1000 sure you are a beautiful and amazing human being.

And fyi I also alienated myself from my friends during the worst of my condition. Dismal and self loathing thoughts are from your depression and not at all a reflection of who you really are.

 

[feelingtrapped]

I'm planning it because it's just been a part of me for so long. Almost a philosophical or spiritual led choice. And honestly I'm still not 100% ok even after all the help I sought.

Maybe if I had started treatment sooner, things might have been a little different. But I let it drag my whole life and 5 years of that were absolute hell, a dark place I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. Or maybe nothing wouldn't have changed. I'll never know.

Anyway don't beat yourself up. You yourself said that your family and friends love you and care, hence your feelings of guilt if you left, and I'm %1000 sure you are a beautiful and amazing human being.

And fyi I also alienated myself from my friends during the worst of my condition. Dismal and self loathing thoughts are from your depression and not at all a reflection of who you really are.

Thank you for saying that! I am sure you are a wonderful
Person too. I hate what this depression has done to me. I just really don't want to be alive if I can't be me. It's so tough.

I wish you strength and happiness

 

[orca87]

I feel the same as you. For apparent reasons, I don't have any advice for you but if you like to share your story, or just talk, feel free to PM me. Your account is quite new, so you might want to get your post count up by posting in the Forum Games subforum of the Offtopic section before you can start conversations.

I'm M36

 

[nosoul]

Hi All, I'm new here. Appreciate having somewhere to vent where I can get honest feedback and not just told to be positive.

I'm a 42/F and I've been suffering with severe depression and suicidal thoughts for over 8 months and it was building up before that probably for 2 years. I've tried therapy, anti depressants, ketamine and TMS with no success and I'm getting increasingly desperate. I can't sleep and my appetite is terrible and I have no motivation for anything. I was formerly a fairly happy and productive person but life just dragged me down. I have some PTSD related to work, left that job and had to move in with my parents. Was supposed to be temporary but with being sick I've had to stay. I had planned to travel before all this happened to try to get some new perspectives and hopefully find happiness again but the PTSD and nightmares prevented this. My life is just so far from where I want it to be- job wise, financially and mostly I want a partner and family and don't have that. Dating and finding someone was hard enough when I was well and now just literally feels impossible. And if I don't have children soon it will be too late. I've never been a bitter or resentful person but this is turning me that way. I have friends and family that care but they all have their lives together so it makes it painful for me to interact with them.

I worked so hard my life to try to do the right things and be a good friend and family member and I think I naively thought that that in some way should guarantee happiness. But I've never had a truly successful romantic relationship and I hate my career choice and where I live. I tried for years to work on these things annd change them and not to let the challenges overwhelm me but it finally got to be too much.

And now I am lost. Each day I don't feel any better just turns me more and more into a person I don't want to be. Lazy, bitter, resentful. And I don't see any hope of getting better. I've tried everything at this point. I'd rather be gone when I still remember what it was like to be happy and everyone who knows me still remembers me that way too. But at the same time I know it would devastate them. But it still seems better than being a burden and living a sad existence. I just can't handle the pain anymore and seeing the impact it has on my parents. I'd try other options but what else is there? I think I'm just fundamentally disappointed in life and there's no way around that… Thoughts…

I relate to this big time. I've been super depressed there are no life goals I feel I can achieve anymore. Wish I had easy way to exit:(

 

[sizuen]

Im so sorry to hear about this.. im way younger so i can not really put myself in your shoes. Nor i want to give toxic positivity. Though i would hope you would consider sticking around in this community for a while since this community actually listens and validate everyone's feelings and i hope ctb would only be a last resort.. i really hope you would eventually find peace.. either route you are going for.. idk if this will help but everytime i feel im not special i think about my cells/body working so hard to keep me alive and it somehow makes me a bit happy. Anyways i wish you the best!

 

[NorthernMonkey]

Imagine if we could see into the future. We always think it will be worse or just as bad, but what if it isn't? What if your future saw you meeting someone with kids and becoming a step parent? I think most people's lives aren't what they hoped, except for a lucky few. Could you just go for it and have a child without a partner? Foster, or adopt? All options, and if all else fails there is always a bus to catch .. they come around often enough :)