Neowise
We fly and fly but never reach our destination.
- Oct 7, 2020
- 494
I don't understand what my problem is. I have almost everything in life besides a loving family:
- born in a first world country
- no money issues
- career (I'm a PhD student)
- healthy body with normal weight
- great immune system, I'm sick only once a year (haven't even been sick this year yet)
- no allergies, can eat everything
- a loving and caring partner
I have it all but I still want to die because of the one thing I didn't have: a loving family. My narcissistic mother abused be emotionally throughout my entire life. She would insult me, put me down, punish me for minor things, hit me, ignore me for days. My father is an emotionally distant person and never openly showed any kind of affection either. My father's family excluded him from family life for reasons I don't know so I only know like 3 people from that line. My grandparents died before I was born. The family of my mother lives in another country whose language I don't speak. My closer "family" consists of 3-4 people which are all emotionally distant in their own way. I had no one to buffer the abuse I went through. I moved out of my parent's place 2 years ago and live my own life, but I can't let go of my past. Why can't I let go of it? Why can't I just live my fucking life like anyone else?! I don't know what my problem is.
I kinda wished I had money issues, chronic pain or some disease. Then I'd at least know why I am depressed. I would know why I can't work up the will to live. I'd have a chance to fix that problem and better my life. But how can I fix a problem that I don't know? I don't really have a problem, my problem is a ghost inside my head. Nothing physical, nothing I can explain. Just some memories that I put too much importance on. My memories ruin my life, this is ridiculous. I feel ashamed that I don't appreciate my life, I am a disgrace. I wished I could trade my life with someone who wants to live but has terminal cancer because it is wasted on me.
- born in a first world country
- no money issues
- career (I'm a PhD student)
- healthy body with normal weight
- great immune system, I'm sick only once a year (haven't even been sick this year yet)
- no allergies, can eat everything
- a loving and caring partner
I have it all but I still want to die because of the one thing I didn't have: a loving family. My narcissistic mother abused be emotionally throughout my entire life. She would insult me, put me down, punish me for minor things, hit me, ignore me for days. My father is an emotionally distant person and never openly showed any kind of affection either. My father's family excluded him from family life for reasons I don't know so I only know like 3 people from that line. My grandparents died before I was born. The family of my mother lives in another country whose language I don't speak. My closer "family" consists of 3-4 people which are all emotionally distant in their own way. I had no one to buffer the abuse I went through. I moved out of my parent's place 2 years ago and live my own life, but I can't let go of my past. Why can't I let go of it? Why can't I just live my fucking life like anyone else?! I don't know what my problem is.
I kinda wished I had money issues, chronic pain or some disease. Then I'd at least know why I am depressed. I would know why I can't work up the will to live. I'd have a chance to fix that problem and better my life. But how can I fix a problem that I don't know? I don't really have a problem, my problem is a ghost inside my head. Nothing physical, nothing I can explain. Just some memories that I put too much importance on. My memories ruin my life, this is ridiculous. I feel ashamed that I don't appreciate my life, I am a disgrace. I wished I could trade my life with someone who wants to live but has terminal cancer because it is wasted on me.