Venting jesus fucking christ i cant stand people

[lack]

i hate the internet today, i hate this fucking screen.. i hate what this has become. it used to be so comforting, to have people on the other side.. it used to feel real, the connection between all of us online. i grew up using the computer since i was like, 7 years old in 1997; the first and closest real friendships i ever had were online.

now i have nobody, nothing, and my attempts at trying to express my depression or suicidal intentions and the most people are able to respond with in a one to one chat is "reacted with a ", like.. (of course, it's understandable and understood when that's the case in a forum post and i'm not complaining about SaSu's reactions [tbh id rather have a forum reaction than nothing at all]) it feels so fucked up that in a one to one conversation i can elude to my inevitable suicide and get nothing more than two cute little popping up on the message. not even a unique message to send the hearts; literally the barest of minimum efforts and ... it just .. it all feels so pointless. its such a massive slap in my face.

i found out today that any and all of the ropes i had extended to try to help myself out of my situation have all been severed and i'm likely not going to be able to get any support or help the way i've been trying to recieve for the last 9 or 10 months. it was all a big waste of time and effort and energy. I tried to order the kit for taking my life so many times (literally just for the night night method) and the order would get cancelled every time because of an isssue with my card but i finally got it. the stuff should arrive tomorrow. I also found out that my rice cooker is broken, and rice is literally the only thing i eat. i dont have the funds to replace it, and even if i did, i have so many other things i need to buy.. ugh. what a pointless effort to try and express my feelings right now. it literally doesnt fucking matter why i feel the way i do, all that matters is that i feel it and nobody fucking cares and nothing will fucking change.

and it just stings, i guess , that when i try to talk to people who i think care about me or who i care about, it just. feels like they dont care. that my feelings are so inconvenient for them. i agree, therye fucking inconvenient for me too. i wish i didnt feel anything. i wish i just, didn't anything. full stop.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Perhaps you need to talk about your personal matters and feelings to someone more privately, so you are more open and connected.

 

[lack]

Perhaps you need to talk about your personal matters and feelings to someone more privately, so you are more open and connected.

im not sure i understand what you mean; since l..... like.. this was literally what i was speaking in regards to.. i was having a personal private chat with a friend,.. i think you may have misunderstood what i was saying... i did mention twice that this is in regards to a personal conversation. im not sure how much more privately a one-to-one conversation can be..? im not trying to be rude, im just a bit confused about your response..


in my message i said (underlined and italicized to make it easier lol, i am aware my initial post is perhaps a bit hard to understand)


and my attempts at trying to express my depression or suicidal intentions and the most people are able to respond with in a one to one chat is "reacted with a ", like.. (of course, it's understandable and understood when that's the case in a forum post and i'm not complaining about SaSu's reactions [tbh id rather have a forum reaction than nothing at all]) it feels so fucked up that in a one to one conversation i can elude to my inevitable suicide and get nothing more than two cute little popping up on the message. not even a unique message to send the hearts; literally the barest of minimum efforts and ... it just .. it all feels so pointless. its such a massive slap in my face.





(edit to add: the thing that provoked me to make this venting post was a different messaging program, off site entirely- i only mentioned sanctioned suicide to say that i do not have any issues with the reactions or anyone on sasu or anything.. if maybe you were confused and thought that i was saying i was upset about posts on here? literally the opposite hah sorry for being confusing if that is the case )

 

[Mirrory Me]

im not sure i understand what you mean; since l..... like.. this was literally what i was speaking in regards to.. i was having a personal private chat with a friend,.. i think you may have misunderstood what i was saying... i did mention twice that this is in regards to a personal conversation. im not sure how much more privately a one-to-one conversation can be..? im not trying to be rude, im just a bit confused about your response..


in my message i said (underlined and italicized to make it easier lol, i am aware my initial post is perhaps a bit hard to understand)


and my attempts at trying to express my depression or suicidal intentions and the most people are able to respond with in a one to one chat is "reacted with a ", like.. (of course, it's understandable and understood when that's the case in a forum post and i'm not complaining about SaSu's reactions [tbh id rather have a forum reaction than nothing at all]) it feels so fucked up that in a one to one conversation i can elude to my inevitable suicide and get nothing more than two cute little popping up on the message. not even a unique message to send the hearts; literally the barest of minimum efforts and ... it just .. it all feels so pointless. its such a massive slap in my face.





(edit to add: the thing that provoked me to make this venting post was a different messaging program, off site entirely- i only mentioned sanctioned suicide to say that i do not have any issues with the reactions or anyone on sasu or anything.. if maybe you were confused and thought that i was saying i was upset about posts on here? literally the opposite hah sorry for being confusing if that is the case )

It could be something more supportive or experienced feedback you need- some conversations and relationships can take bit longer before they develop properly enough, but you might earn and learn something valuable.

 

[katara]

wow the internet must have been so different back then, but ya I get rarely any responses on here. I didn't really think that this was a new thing. I guess the only new thing is emojis. I don't know what people used back then but ppl would respond "k" when i was really young and i remember finding that annoying sometimes if i said something serious. Or when i was 11 and posted on a social media about depression stuff, teenage guys messaged me saying they were horny or something. That was honestly much worse.

I use a rice cooker too, rice is good. You could try getting a cheap one. The last one i used was from someone my mom worked with who didn't want it. I've always felt like an inconvenience to people because they treat me like i'm a burden to be around, it makes me sad. I'm sorry some ppl have treated you that way too from the sound of it.