entry 4
22:50
hey. i may be a little fucked. whether it's in a good way or a bad way, i cannot tell and the only thing i can tell you is that i've been fucked hard. "and why do you feel that way?" you ask. well, my dear made-up viewer, it has come to my bewilderment that an old friend of mine has made the outrageous decision to call me out of nowhere and… ask how i've been doing. yes i know it may seem like nothing, but this has left me in a highly perplexed state to the point where i'm contemplating whether i just hallucinated it or not. though, i feel as if i finally have it in me to accept the fact it's real. brace yourself, this may be a long one. i'm feeling extra pretentious tonight.
now, let me give you a little backstory. for the sake of preserving the crumbs of my anonymity, we'll call her… uhh i don't know. let's just go with susie, why not. so i met susie about 5-6 years ago, back when i was in the early years of secondary school. i was quite a shy and reserved kid and my typical break-times consisted of me confining myself to a relatively secluded spot in the school (usually by a tree's side or in the dark, remote corner of the cafeteria) and sitting alone. on some days, i'd start crying to and swearing to myself for having been born at all; on other days, i'd be jotting down random sentences and drawings in my notebook or getting swept up and lost in the silly little daydreams within to avoid confronting my reality.
so there i was, a profoundly hideous, socially inept, worthless, friendless loser-girl. however, on one immortal day whilst i was i was busy doing my typical school break-time routine, 2 passers-by, a small girl and her friend, noticed me presumably from the corner of their eyes. i'd imagine it to be a strange sight for a witnesser, to see a shadowed girl sat with her knees to her chest peer into the smiling faces of her distant peers with an almost malignant look to her eyes. the type of gaze that's akin to a looming predator meticulously monitoring their prey from behind the bushes; but i was no predator, i was merely a bitter girl.
i was quite jealous, i confess. perhaps my years of insatiable isolation had brewed some sort of visceral resentment for those around me, and had also stirred up the solipsistic desire to have my emotions transferred over to them. you know the old saying: 'misery loves company'. my experience was akin to watching television. i'd be silently observing people playing together, having little arguments, forming relationships, ending relationships; some days i'd be in class, walking home, in a park, or at family gatherings; the channels would switch and switch but it made no difference, for i was merely the viewer. if i dared to attempt to cross the impenetrable barrier that lied before me, my efforts would invariably result in me being forced back into my designated spot, static and voiceless with an increasingly numbing mind. fated to be the spectre, forever and ever…
of course, forever lasted up until the girl, who you've probably guessed to be susie by now, took the time out of her day to walk up to me and politely introduced herself. now, you're probably reading this, sighing in your mind and saying, "okay, you made a friend, so what?" but stop right there, dear reader. you have to imagine yourself in my shoes for a moment. to be in what's considered your life's most treasured years yet agonisingly alone, to spend what had seemed like an eternity in maddeningly hopeless, impossible, incurable, insufferable isolation… then suddenly, so suddenly, a kind hand reaches out to you from beyond the barrier, stripping you away from your prolonged invisibility, stripping you away from the thick fogs of sadness that have enveloped you. and despite not being religious, the only way your mind can seem to comprehend this is having divine intervention to serve as a makeshift reason — almost as if it was god's compensation for you. to be put it in simpler terms, it's almost as if you were to witness a unicorn taking a stroll: you've always had the belief that they're not real and everyone knows that they're not real and then all of a sudden, it's right there before your eyes somehow— to me it felt just as incomprehensible.
i became acquainted with her other friend very quickly, though our little kinship didn't last too long (most likely due to some petty drama that contributed to susie removing her from our group). however, susie and i's friendship persisted and for the next few years we managed to sustain a strange on and off relationship that worsened with time — from not speaking to each other for days to weeks and then, of course, to years. each time, we'd connect straight away — almost as if we had never stopped talking at all — and everything would seemingly get back on track, only for the same cyclical pattern to impose itself onto our relationship for reasons unexplained to us.
it's not as if i went through long droughts to which i found her to be completely unbearable to converse with — no, that wasn't it at all. you see, i was and still am actually quite fond of her. if i were to describe her to you, only the most nebulous attributes occupy my mind — brown skin, deep-brown eyes that are slightly obscured behind her large, dark glasses; genetically blessed hair wise with thick, umber locks; soft, high-pitched voice accompanied by a winsome bouncy intonation. personality wise, she's sweet, shy, funny, hopelessly romantic; a little quirky and sometimes we'd sync in terms of weirdness (until i'd be crowned the eventual winner); overall, a cute and lovable girl.
however, if i were to name a single negative (and if this ever gets out, forgive me for saying this) well… she isn't particularly the brightest intelligence wise. now, she is not stupid by any means — i'd consider her to be of average intelligence which is not an issue at all (i have to also mention that i don't consider myself to be smart at all, at best i'm below average). but anywho, this fact about her has caused me to be far more guarded when it comes to opening up to her.
to give you an example: on one occasion, i begrudgingly opened up to her after she enforced the idea that i can speak to her about anything anytime, and i just so happened to reveal that i was struggling to find reasons to live. naturally, her response to that was something like 'there are literally so many reasons to live, like: art, sunsets, music, games, etc. and also things will always get better.' reader, oh reader, i'm sure you could've imagined my internal infuriation. of course, i was bound to accept it and thank her because lashing out at her for that would objectively be the weirdest possible move to make. i do not blame her for saying those things at all — living for the little things in life is quite a common sentiment. not to mention, i do find pleasure in a good sunset, making art, listening to music, and playing games a lot. but for her to make it seem like i've never considered those as valid reasons before (despite me already being well versed in those things already), it made it seem as if she was lecturing a complete moron and it came across as a tad bit patronising — similar to how just going outside is seemingly the ultimate solution for everyone nowadays. maybe it's just the fragility of my ego revealing itself but i hope that this serves as a good explanation as for why i cannot ever speak to her about my personal issues.
as much as i enjoy my time with susie, this is always something i'm constantly wary of and if i'm being completely honest, it makes me feel incredibly drained. having to put on an a specific appearance all of the around someone really does something to you.
let's go back to the more recent events, shall we? now, i'm sure you could imagine my shock to receive a call from her out nowhere, especially considering that we have not talked for quite a while. to describe my mood, well it's a whole cocktail of emotions — on one hand i'm stoked to know that at least one person has kept me in their thoughts and it happens to be her, but also another part of me is screaming "RUN. RUN FAR FAR AWAY." it's almost as if i'm reliving the same exact day as when we first met with only a few slight changes. my biggest fault with this situation is that it goes against my clearly established plans of self-ostracisation in the months leading up to my suicide. i was praying that i could phase out of existence to her like i did with my other friends, but alas, the cycle persists!
another thing that's bothering me is that her reasonings for trying revive our kinship are unknown and frankly incomprehensible to me. i kind of want to grab her by the shoulders and shake her vigorously whilst i question her as to why she'd want anything to do with me. it's not like she's a complete loner — she has plenty of other friends who love and care for her respectfully. i cannot for the life of me pinpoint anything remotely worth preserving about me.
i feel as if i already know what the basis of our entire friendship was formed on. i found her to be a little weird at first, speaking to me with unprompted enthusiasm as if she was revisiting an old friend she hadn't seen in years. after weighing out all of my options, i've concluded that her reasons for acting that way and approaching me to begin with was probably (or most likely) out of pity — she'd have no reason to otherwise. had i not appeared so small, so frail to her, it's hard to believe that the thought of becoming acquainted with me would've ever crossed her mind. her way of speaking to me then possibly emerged from her wanting to make me feel welcomed by her. however, i cannot provide a logical explanation for this recent occurrence. we don't even go to the same school anymore and the majority of our conversations took place there. the only logical conclusion i can draw from this is that she was bored and perhaps she needed someone to talk to, with all of her other friends conveniently being unavailable.
i am not sure what to do currently, but i feel like the best course of action to take for me (and potentially her) is to start ghosting her. sure, i'll feel awful for doing it because i really do love her, but i just can't afford to uphold any relationships anymore. i can't keep postponing my date and i have a nagging feeling that i know exactly how everything would turn out if i were to live for her sake. i'll definitely be thinking it through. needless to say, i will be updating you about this little situation soon. see you then <3
