I landed an interview recently and I thought it was good. I smiled, I maintained eye contact, I gave good answers, even though most of the questions they hurtled at me were booby traps. They asked me, "What are your goals?" So I told them it was to be happy. When asked to clarify further, I told them that to me, being happy is when I get to make the ones I love happy. Then they asked me something that caught me off guard, "What if you've made everyone you love happy, but you yourself aren't?" I thought about it for awhile but I didn't think about it for too long because I knew it would give off a bad impression, so I answered what came to mind: "I'm sorry, I can't answer that because I haven't achieved that goal yet." They said it was fine, asked me a couple of other questions and when the interview concluded, I thought I did okay.
Guess not. I got an e-mail today telling me that I failed to proceed to the next round. I kept thinking about that answer, because it was the only one I gave them that wasn't a definite answer. Shouldn't I have been so honest? Should I have told them something else? Maybe my answer shouldn't have been so easy. Maybe I should've instead laid my soul bare, tell them that I've been struggling with depression and been wanting to ctb and that's why I haven't really thought about long-term fucking goals because the only future I've been able to envision for me is one where I'm fucking dead. Besides, who knows? Who knows if all this effort is going to be fruitful? So I hadn't thought about it thoroughly, in case I find myself disappointed again, hopeless again, and well, I ended up failing the interview, didn't I?
I'm trying to be a better person, so I understand if after reading all this you may think that it's dumb for me to complain because hey, if I'm really trying then I should just shut up, accept it and learn to move on. That's fair, but I'm more upset about their clear bias rather than the rejection itself. My friend told me that it's normal, that there are still other opportunities. They're clearly right, but I guess my friend doesn't acknowledge that it's harder for me to get a job. That the whole process, no matter how simple or rigorous it objectively is, can be more difficult because I'm not as clean-cut as them, that I don't have all of my shit together, that I don't have it all already figured out. That sometimes I don't maintain continuous eye contact because I'm still trying to overcome my anxiety. That sometimes I don't appear all smile-y because there are days when I feel low and hopeless. That I don't really have a clear answer to anything related to my future because, hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be alive for that long.
In the end, everything I've said can be countered with "it's just the way the world works" or some explanation about how companies always want the best people which includes those who can plan their future so they implement this type of tests and interviews to weed people like me out, how it doesn't matter how much I want it and am serious about it because they can't see into people's hearts, or how they wanted to see if my long-term plan includes being faithful to the company so it has nothing to do with how simple or complicated my actual answer is, etc. All I know is that it's definitely not because planning or managing things is part of my job and they wanted to see how good I am at it.
It's ironic when you remember that there are people who want to help and treat those with mental illness yet others facilitate things like this to happen, things that could've otherwise lead to a better place but don't and can hinder progress. It sucks that those with mental illness, or are trying hard to recover from it, have to struggle more, even if they're as qualified and technically competent as their mentally healthy counterpart. But how long can a struggle go on before someone decides to end it all?
Guess not. I got an e-mail today telling me that I failed to proceed to the next round. I kept thinking about that answer, because it was the only one I gave them that wasn't a definite answer. Shouldn't I have been so honest? Should I have told them something else? Maybe my answer shouldn't have been so easy. Maybe I should've instead laid my soul bare, tell them that I've been struggling with depression and been wanting to ctb and that's why I haven't really thought about long-term fucking goals because the only future I've been able to envision for me is one where I'm fucking dead. Besides, who knows? Who knows if all this effort is going to be fruitful? So I hadn't thought about it thoroughly, in case I find myself disappointed again, hopeless again, and well, I ended up failing the interview, didn't I?
I'm trying to be a better person, so I understand if after reading all this you may think that it's dumb for me to complain because hey, if I'm really trying then I should just shut up, accept it and learn to move on. That's fair, but I'm more upset about their clear bias rather than the rejection itself. My friend told me that it's normal, that there are still other opportunities. They're clearly right, but I guess my friend doesn't acknowledge that it's harder for me to get a job. That the whole process, no matter how simple or rigorous it objectively is, can be more difficult because I'm not as clean-cut as them, that I don't have all of my shit together, that I don't have it all already figured out. That sometimes I don't maintain continuous eye contact because I'm still trying to overcome my anxiety. That sometimes I don't appear all smile-y because there are days when I feel low and hopeless. That I don't really have a clear answer to anything related to my future because, hell, I don't even know if I'm going to be alive for that long.
In the end, everything I've said can be countered with "it's just the way the world works" or some explanation about how companies always want the best people which includes those who can plan their future so they implement this type of tests and interviews to weed people like me out, how it doesn't matter how much I want it and am serious about it because they can't see into people's hearts, or how they wanted to see if my long-term plan includes being faithful to the company so it has nothing to do with how simple or complicated my actual answer is, etc. All I know is that it's definitely not because planning or managing things is part of my job and they wanted to see how good I am at it.
It's ironic when you remember that there are people who want to help and treat those with mental illness yet others facilitate things like this to happen, things that could've otherwise lead to a better place but don't and can hinder progress. It sucks that those with mental illness, or are trying hard to recover from it, have to struggle more, even if they're as qualified and technically competent as their mentally healthy counterpart. But how long can a struggle go on before someone decides to end it all?
