tiredartist
tired of lifeđź’¤
- Aug 29, 2024
- 1
Hey, I know we are all in the same boat here so I am literally not expecting anything back. If you are reading this, thanks.
Don't feel bad if you have no words of your own to share - we are all tired.
Just typing this to get it out of my mind.
Ye olde backstory:
I have had a shit day of a shit week of a shit month of a shit year.
You can imagine that how I got to this point is not much different than anybody else. My story isn't unique.
I'm not gonna waste anybody's time by getting too much into detail of it all.
Difficult childhood, family was poor as fuck. We would regularly move because we would get evicted from our apartments due to being behind on rent.
My father was a pedo, my mother beat me up and made my life hell. I was an outcast at school and everybody knew I was being abused because I would miss 60+ days a school year for "health reasons" but nobody did shit. Couldn't even graduate because I couldn't stay awake or turn in coherent work in my last school year because it got so bad.
Ran away from home multiple times, been in and out of battered women's houses.
My whole family has financially used and abused me since the moment I could earn any money as a teen.
I've never had a partner who would help me get out or support me. I am jealous of others who find somebody who wants to help them, not gonna lie. I've always been on my own.
The only thing I am actually any good at is drawing. I would scrounge together money doing odd jobs to buy drawing supplies as a teen, later it was the only thing I would splurge on when working. I lack the physical and mental resilience to get anywhere with it commercially, let's be honest. But being creative is probably my only passion in life.
Last year I thought I finally made it somewhere - got out of the house far far away, started studying my passion at university - as game & character design.
But life doesn't give you a break and even though I was physically "safe", demons don't stop haunting you once you leave hell. I have never been as depressed as I have been this year.
I've been on antidepressants (recently even upped the dose) and in therapy since February. My ex-therapist couldn't help me as he doesn't specialize in trauma therapy and he has stopped seeing me in October because of it.
I've been unable to work and finance myself, relying on friend's help which is deeply humiliating to me.
Got diagnosed with severe depression and Complex PTSD in November by a trauma specialist. Getting into trauma therapy takes months and months though, waitlists are endless...
In the recent weeks, I was getting better. I had a new job aligned for December 16 after being jobless for months and months. The straw that broke the camels back for me today has been a domino effect of bureaucracy. My skin feels paper thin by now when it comes to stress so everything sends me reeling.
For my new job I need a certain paper slip that says I can work with food. For cascading reasons, I am unable to get it in time before I am scheduled to start my new job next Monday.
That will most likely mean I am losing the job. And I won't be able to pick up a new job this quickly before the New Year.
I am 2 months behind on rent and only begging my landlord for mercy has kept me from landing on the streets for Christmas. Told him I would pay a part of it till the 15th - from what? I don't even know yet. I literally don't have a single cent in my pocket or account. I've been getting food donations from some friends, which is so humiliating and I feel ashamed of myself. I am uninsured because I haven't been able to pay my rates.
I really fucking need this job and the money.
Bending myself backwards today thinking of a solution on the situation so I can save my job. Coming to the conclusion that there is none - none that is in time, that is.
Now, I have been researching suicide methods intensely this year already. Wouldn't be here otherwise.
I've read the literature there is on it, watched videos of different suicide methods to drill into my head the visceral reality of it all. It ain't pretty, so I am already throwing that hope out.
My poor partial hanging attempt:
I cried a bit, then got up, made my bed, lit an incense stick and put on music. That I can do that still is a luxury, and I would love to die before I end up homeless.
Spotify 2024 just dropped a while ago, so yay I can listen to all my favorite music in a neat little playlist while attempting!
My room has a bit of a weird layout so the only viable spot is the wardrobe + bed.
Tested my wardrobe and it's metal hooks for sturdiness. It wouldn't budge even when strongly pulling on it.
Took my hair dryer with it's sturdy cable, winded the end with the weight around the hook, made a noose.
Sat on my bed with my Yoshi plushie in my lap. Silly because I am a grown ass woman, but I am touch and affection starved.
Winded the cable around my neck several times, secured it with tape and by pushing the cable into the slit of the plug to make it even harder to get it off quickly. Started putting my weight on my neck.
I started getting dizzy. I could feel pressure in my head. It was cutting off my air a bit in the front, but definitely not terribly. I have been choked out before by my mother and that felt worse. Don't take this account for any advice on the experience though. I don't want anybody getting a wrong impression. Just need to write this out for myself.
I just didn't care in that moment what I was doing. I wanted to feel what it could be like.
I have thought about suicide very, very much in my life. I have just never ever attempted it.
I was wondering if survival instinct would kick in. I have been hit by a car before and I distinctly remember thinking to myself with such clarity "okay, your insides don't feel messed up, you probably aren't dying today" after flying through the air and rolling on asphalt even though I shattered the car window bloody with my head and dented the hood.
Feeling how it was cutting off my blood supply, my arms started feeling tingly and numb. There was what felt like a buildup of phlegm in the throat and it felt weird.
I was hoping that a feeling of "oh fuck, this is happening, are you stupid, I can't die like this!" would kick in to rattle me. But I felt complete indifference and numb inside. I was most likely doing it wrong?
I clinically thought to myself I should stop it only because I am being spontanous, which isn't a great setup to a succesful suicide. I don't want to just come out of it with brain damage.
So I was able to undo the noose after getting up and just laid down for a bit listening to the music and trying to come back to myself.
My arm still feels weird and my head and neck does too.
I should go read up on the hanging technique again and plan it out properly because my mind was all muddled while doing it. I am very sure I didn't do it right because everybody says SI kicks in. I am pretty sure I could have at least passed out, but I don't want to leave it up to chance.
Kinda feel like a loser typing this out because this was probably such a weak attempt anyways. But it was my first one, so I wanted to at least write it down...
I hate that I can't even tell anybody in my life that I tried it. I hate burdening other people. I can't even go to a hospital or see somebody because hey, no insurance.
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I just wish somebody could acknowledge that I did something like that today.
I feel practically invisible in my pain and quite frankly, I just wish I could vanish into thin air, erasing any trace of myself and memory in people's mind.
I know that all my financial and survival problems are, ultimately, fixable in some way or another. Yeah yeah I have thought about all of that. But I am so overwhelmed and in need of handholding, which I know I won't get. I am so god damn tired. I am so damn tired of there "always being something". My life is one step forward, two steps back.
I am tired of surviving. I am tired of doing all the work myself. I am tired of life.
Gonna turn 30 very soon and I have gotten nowhere.
Sorry, this all got so long anyways even though I tried to keep myself short.
And sorry for the cynical tone of this whole post. I am still kinda out of it.
Don't feel bad if you have no words of your own to share - we are all tired.
Just typing this to get it out of my mind.
Ye olde backstory:
I have had a shit day of a shit week of a shit month of a shit year.
You can imagine that how I got to this point is not much different than anybody else. My story isn't unique.
I'm not gonna waste anybody's time by getting too much into detail of it all.
Difficult childhood, family was poor as fuck. We would regularly move because we would get evicted from our apartments due to being behind on rent.
My father was a pedo, my mother beat me up and made my life hell. I was an outcast at school and everybody knew I was being abused because I would miss 60+ days a school year for "health reasons" but nobody did shit. Couldn't even graduate because I couldn't stay awake or turn in coherent work in my last school year because it got so bad.
Ran away from home multiple times, been in and out of battered women's houses.
My whole family has financially used and abused me since the moment I could earn any money as a teen.
I've never had a partner who would help me get out or support me. I am jealous of others who find somebody who wants to help them, not gonna lie. I've always been on my own.
The only thing I am actually any good at is drawing. I would scrounge together money doing odd jobs to buy drawing supplies as a teen, later it was the only thing I would splurge on when working. I lack the physical and mental resilience to get anywhere with it commercially, let's be honest. But being creative is probably my only passion in life.
Last year I thought I finally made it somewhere - got out of the house far far away, started studying my passion at university - as game & character design.
But life doesn't give you a break and even though I was physically "safe", demons don't stop haunting you once you leave hell. I have never been as depressed as I have been this year.
I've been on antidepressants (recently even upped the dose) and in therapy since February. My ex-therapist couldn't help me as he doesn't specialize in trauma therapy and he has stopped seeing me in October because of it.
I've been unable to work and finance myself, relying on friend's help which is deeply humiliating to me.
Got diagnosed with severe depression and Complex PTSD in November by a trauma specialist. Getting into trauma therapy takes months and months though, waitlists are endless...
In the recent weeks, I was getting better. I had a new job aligned for December 16 after being jobless for months and months. The straw that broke the camels back for me today has been a domino effect of bureaucracy. My skin feels paper thin by now when it comes to stress so everything sends me reeling.
For my new job I need a certain paper slip that says I can work with food. For cascading reasons, I am unable to get it in time before I am scheduled to start my new job next Monday.
That will most likely mean I am losing the job. And I won't be able to pick up a new job this quickly before the New Year.
I am 2 months behind on rent and only begging my landlord for mercy has kept me from landing on the streets for Christmas. Told him I would pay a part of it till the 15th - from what? I don't even know yet. I literally don't have a single cent in my pocket or account. I've been getting food donations from some friends, which is so humiliating and I feel ashamed of myself. I am uninsured because I haven't been able to pay my rates.
I really fucking need this job and the money.
Bending myself backwards today thinking of a solution on the situation so I can save my job. Coming to the conclusion that there is none - none that is in time, that is.
Now, I have been researching suicide methods intensely this year already. Wouldn't be here otherwise.
I've read the literature there is on it, watched videos of different suicide methods to drill into my head the visceral reality of it all. It ain't pretty, so I am already throwing that hope out.
My poor partial hanging attempt:
I cried a bit, then got up, made my bed, lit an incense stick and put on music. That I can do that still is a luxury, and I would love to die before I end up homeless.
Spotify 2024 just dropped a while ago, so yay I can listen to all my favorite music in a neat little playlist while attempting!
My room has a bit of a weird layout so the only viable spot is the wardrobe + bed.
Tested my wardrobe and it's metal hooks for sturdiness. It wouldn't budge even when strongly pulling on it.
Took my hair dryer with it's sturdy cable, winded the end with the weight around the hook, made a noose.
Sat on my bed with my Yoshi plushie in my lap. Silly because I am a grown ass woman, but I am touch and affection starved.
Winded the cable around my neck several times, secured it with tape and by pushing the cable into the slit of the plug to make it even harder to get it off quickly. Started putting my weight on my neck.
I started getting dizzy. I could feel pressure in my head. It was cutting off my air a bit in the front, but definitely not terribly. I have been choked out before by my mother and that felt worse. Don't take this account for any advice on the experience though. I don't want anybody getting a wrong impression. Just need to write this out for myself.
I just didn't care in that moment what I was doing. I wanted to feel what it could be like.
I have thought about suicide very, very much in my life. I have just never ever attempted it.
I was wondering if survival instinct would kick in. I have been hit by a car before and I distinctly remember thinking to myself with such clarity "okay, your insides don't feel messed up, you probably aren't dying today" after flying through the air and rolling on asphalt even though I shattered the car window bloody with my head and dented the hood.
Feeling how it was cutting off my blood supply, my arms started feeling tingly and numb. There was what felt like a buildup of phlegm in the throat and it felt weird.
I was hoping that a feeling of "oh fuck, this is happening, are you stupid, I can't die like this!" would kick in to rattle me. But I felt complete indifference and numb inside. I was most likely doing it wrong?
I clinically thought to myself I should stop it only because I am being spontanous, which isn't a great setup to a succesful suicide. I don't want to just come out of it with brain damage.
So I was able to undo the noose after getting up and just laid down for a bit listening to the music and trying to come back to myself.
My arm still feels weird and my head and neck does too.
I should go read up on the hanging technique again and plan it out properly because my mind was all muddled while doing it. I am very sure I didn't do it right because everybody says SI kicks in. I am pretty sure I could have at least passed out, but I don't want to leave it up to chance.
Kinda feel like a loser typing this out because this was probably such a weak attempt anyways. But it was my first one, so I wanted to at least write it down...
I hate that I can't even tell anybody in my life that I tried it. I hate burdening other people. I can't even go to a hospital or see somebody because hey, no insurance.
I guess as much as I hate to admit it, I just wish somebody could acknowledge that I did something like that today.
I feel practically invisible in my pain and quite frankly, I just wish I could vanish into thin air, erasing any trace of myself and memory in people's mind.
I know that all my financial and survival problems are, ultimately, fixable in some way or another. Yeah yeah I have thought about all of that. But I am so overwhelmed and in need of handholding, which I know I won't get. I am so god damn tired. I am so damn tired of there "always being something". My life is one step forward, two steps back.
I am tired of surviving. I am tired of doing all the work myself. I am tired of life.
Gonna turn 30 very soon and I have gotten nowhere.
Sorry, this all got so long anyways even though I tried to keep myself short.
And sorry for the cynical tone of this whole post. I am still kinda out of it.
