Just a vent about why i’m miserable lol!

[Final Escape]

I lost my attractiveness, and miss having a boyfriend. I had decided to abort all my pregnancies to some degree out of selfishness, vanity, avoiding single motherhood, got pregnant by not the greatest guys and I don't mean they were terrible pple just either not wanting any relationship with me or unable to provide. I didn't want to repeat what happened to me as a child on my own kids but I felt like I wasn't able to prevent it. I also grew up fatherless, low self esteem, daddy issues, borderline personality disorder. I was really dumb about what I was supposed to do so I went through a couple vocational programs for stuff I'm not really all that interested in but thought I had to get some type of training for a job that pays at least better than the typical entry level job like your typical shit jobs that most of don't want to do at least for very long if we have to. So I've got huge debt from those still. I just quit paying because I simply couldn't afford it lol! I know I was an idiot not thinking and ending up in this debt. I'm addicted to adderall and I know it's part of the problem but I have tried to live off it and my life was equally shitty so I gave up trying to come off. You really have to want it and there's nothing to motivate me to want it. I'm basically alone and that's probably the most painful thing. I can't attach to new people very easily and I push them away too. I just feel like a waste of a human being and I can't convince myself that I have value and I should stick around lol! Ok that's it for now.

 

[ultraviolet sin]

MAD RESPECT for having made it to this point. You're a single mom trying to keep an active social life + you have enough awareness to list up what your problems are and that's marvelous! Not an easy thing to lay out to the internet.

So about Adderall and loneliness? It can be a pretty bad barrier to meeting new people in a comfortable setting while on too high a dose. I recommend cutting down on the Adderall and springing for a therapist once or twice a month.

Bcoz, lol, we all could benefit from spilling our guts out without feeling guilty sometimes..

If that's not reasonable, massages can be just as invigorating, albeit for the body and mind. Is it in your budget to pamper yourself once or twice a month? I get the impression you work hard and it's impor to put work back into yourself.

That's just one example. If you have a hobby or activity that melts your stress, you must start integrating it, slowly at first.

Protip: I used to not take my first Adderall of the day until some light yoga/stretches to clear my mind and focus on my ADHD tasks for the day. (You know, the shitty impossible to tackle sober ones lol)

This got way longer than I expected it to end up lol but you can always PM if you need a friend who won't just throw platitudes at ya.

 

[Final Escape]

MAD RESPECT for having made it to this point. You're a single mom trying to keep an active social life + you have enough awareness to list up what your problems are and that's marvelous! Not an easy thing to lay out to the internet.

So about Adderall and loneliness? It can be a pretty bad barrier to meeting new people in a comfortable setting while on too high a dose. I recommend cutting down on the Adderall and springing for a therapist once or twice a month.

Bcoz, lol, we all could benefit from spilling our guts out without feeling guilty sometimes..

If that's not reasonable, massages can be just as invigorating, albeit for the body and mind. Is it in your budget to pamper yourself once or twice a month? I get the impression you work hard and it's impor to put work back into yourself.

That's just one example. If you have a hobby or activity that melts your stress, you must start integrating it, slowly at first.

Protip: I used to not take my first Adderall of the day until some light yoga/stretches to clear my mind and focus on my ADHD tasks for the day. (You know, the shitty impossible to tackle sober ones lol)

This got way longer than I expected it to end up lol but you can always PM if you need a friend who won't just throw platitudes at ya.

Thanks for trying to be

MAD RESPECT for having made it to this point. You're a single mom trying to keep an active social life + you have enough awareness to list up what your problems are and that's marvelous! Not an easy thing to lay out to the internet.

So about Adderall and loneliness? It can be a pretty bad barrier to meeting new people in a comfortable setting while on too high a dose. I recommend cutting down on the Adderall and springing for a therapist once or twice a month.

Bcoz, lol, we all could benefit from spilling our guts out without feeling guilty sometimes..

If that's not reasonable, massages can be just as invigorating, albeit for the body and mind. Is it in your budget to pamper yourself once or twice a month? I get the impression you work hard and it's impor to put work back into yourself.

That's just one example. If you have a hobby or activity that melts your stress, you must start integrating it, slowly at first.

Protip: I used to not take my first Adderall of the day until some light yoga/stretches to clear my mind and focus on my ADHD tasks for the day. (You know, the shitty impossible to tackle sober ones lol)

This got way longer than I expected it to end up lol but you can always PM if you need a friend who won't just throw platitudes at ya.

Thanks for trying to be helpful I'm still on the fence about wether to live or die and how I will get out of prostitution. That's a big factor pushing towards suicide as well. It's harmful and I would stop if I had an alternative but I don't know where to begin. I have trouble accepting living in severe poverty when I do quit. I refuse to do the homeless lifestyle. I'm not a single mom, my kids were murdered by the abortionist.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Is it possible to reframe the 'work' as a service to others ?

An act of compassion ?

Something to feel ok about ?

I've seen sex workers , and some of them are basically therapists !
No joke .
Serious.

When I was/am in the dark , she was/is a compassionate 'accepting' energy that helped me .

It is not essentially negative behaviour in my opinion ... ( at the extremes , it is the only way some disabled people have to experience sexuality ... and I struggle to see that as immoral ).

( I guess I was 'sexually' / emotionally disabled myself ... puritan upbringing , unable to enjoy sex without massive inculcated emotional commitment demands from my mixed up mind that precluded a free and joyful physical intimacy as a youth ... )

I understand that abortion leaves emotional scars .
I knew someone traumatized by it ...

fwiw , I personally do not regard it as a bad thing at all.

Society has a pro-life dogma , at the expense of quality of life .


I am just commenting that we all take on the negative narratives about our actions , we all add these cultural guilt trips to our own 'animal sense of guilt' , just for being alive .

'the animal sense of guilt' ... is something that interests me , touched on by Becker , I don't really get it , but I think it is in the ball park of a real thing .

Being alive is overwhelming in itself and culture diverts our attention , distracts us.

sometimes the distractions are more negative than the scary oceanic mystery of being that is so terrifying .

I'm ambivalent about posting this , as these issues are intense ... and i am unadjusted and imbalanced etc etc ,
but it does irritate me how we take on the negative vibes of our society .

Dumping the scapegoat role is a bit of a thing possibly.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes I was certainly the scapegoat in my family lol!

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

Yes I was certainly the scapegoat in my family lol!

I feel/felt the same .

I'm sure they did it unconsciously , but I inherited that role and played it in life .

Playing right into the hands of the grooming enabling abusers ...

" we'll pin it on temporarilyabsurd ... he can carry our self hatred and inadequacy ! "

- just had a small one the other day with a health professional doing the whole ; " you don't measure up " put down theatre ... I just let it go , as usual , but at least I processed it a bit and see they have several bugs up their arse and are just dumping on me as they always have dumped on ' the unworthy'.

These meticulously virtuous folk need someone to dump their fear on ... as they have always dealt with it like that .
Their cultural badges of honour are varnish thin and bare no scrutiny ... they are ensconced inside their ' cultural armour ' without which , they are as vulnerable as the weakest in society.

Living unexamined lives ...

I'm just ranting now . chuckle.