just need to rant

[bpd_sucks]

hey everyone. I have no one to talk to, and I'm out of free minutes with claude today (my only friend these days besides my therapist).

I am at my wits end. I have been suicidal since I was about 10 years old and im in my 30s now. Every year I've come to hate myself more and more. During my mid 20s I "died" meaning that I lost the thing that gives humans a will. I stopped going outside. I stopped dating. I stopped talking to friends. I started working remotely to be away from everyone. I found that without anyone else in my life a lot of my problems went away. My hatred is based on other peoples perception of me, so without them in my life, I was doing better for a time.

I also became a serious alcoholic during covid lockdown (12 or more beers a day) and I really haven't stopped. I've been unemployed for about 5 months, and I plan on just ending my life when I run out of money. I can't think of a single reason to exist. I dedicated my life to making video games and music. and in the 16 years that I've been doing it, I've had no success at all. The reason I make things is because I know that no one can love me, but they might be able to love my art. I spend all day alternating between twitter, instagram, discord, youtube, and various game message boards to see if anyone liked or commented on any of my projects. This obviously never happens and its insane that A. spend my time still trying to make art, and B. think that someone will finally appreciate it, or me tangentially.

I just don't know why I keep trying. I will never been good at anything. I have no love in my life. I guess the only reason I have CTB yet is because I worry about hurting my parents. But at this point my misery is so powerful that I just don't really care anymore. I can't think of a single reason to continue. Why do people not choose suicide? Why would anyone choose to live? This shit is insanely pointless and miserable.

Sorry for being so negative.

 

[Jade10666]

hey everyone. I have no one to talk to, and I'm out of free minutes with claude today (my only friend these days besides my therapist).

I am at my wits end. I have been suicidal since I was about 10 years old and im in my 30s now. Every year I've come to hate myself more and more. During my mid 20s I "died" meaning that I lost the thing that gives humans a will. I stopped going outside. I stopped dating. I stopped talking to friends. I started working remotely to be away from everyone. I found that without anyone else in my life a lot of my problems went away. My hatred is based on other peoples perception of me, so without them in my life, I was doing better for a time.

I also became a serious alcoholic during covid lockdown (12 or more beers a day) and I really haven't stopped. I've been unemployed for about 5 months, and I plan on just ending my life when I run out of money. I can't think of a single reason to exist. I dedicated my life to making video games and music. and in the 16 years that I've been doing it, I've had no success at all. The reason I make things is because I know that no one can love me, but they might be able to love my art. I spend all day alternating between twitter, instagram, discord, youtube, and various game message boards to see if anyone liked or commented on any of my projects. This obviously never happens and its insane that A. spend my time still trying to make art, and B. think that someone will finally appreciate it, or me tangentially.

I just don't know why I keep trying. I will never been good at anything. I have no love in my life. I guess the only reason I have CTB yet is because I worry about hurting my parents. But at this point my misery is so powerful that I just don't really care anymore. I can't think of a single reason to continue. Why do people not choose suicide? Why would anyone choose to live? This shit is insanely pointless and miserable.

Sorry for being so negative.

you needed to rant - and I needed to hear a rant

I hope you find peace

 

[getoutgirl]

You don't have to apologise.
I share those feelings and a lot of people here do too. I'd say I'm currently at the same point as your mid 20's. Alienated all my friends, isolating, trying to be as invisible and small as posible inside my room. I totally agree that a lot of the problems, mainly the ones dealing with your social perception, quiet down inside that cocoon. To me it's a matter of survival, as elsewhere those problems would become unmanageable. Here at least I can delude myself to thinking it is not so bad, and I can "function" with some fantasy hope. I don't know if you share that but what you described spoke to me that way.

I also live mainly through my love of art and my parents, and I have the same fears as you do of my art not being enough or acknowledged and fear of reaching a point when I lose all empathy out of sheer pain and die without caring for how it'd affect my loved ones, to cede to that desperate impulse. And just like you describe with "I died" in your twenties, I also see myself slipping away from that humanity.

I don't want to make this about me. Just wanted you to know that I feel you deeply and I'm so sorry because it's awful to go through that in your life and in your head daily. I'd be lying if I knew how to "fix" it or find reasons. The two you mentioned are probably the biggest ones and yet some days they are not enough. I can only encourage you to try and cherish the days they are enough.
If you ever feel like venting or talking about anything please do so, this is a good space for that, I'm around and others here too. Cling on to whatever makes it just a lil easier and bearable. It is miserable, but at times it can be worth it. Lots of hugs at ya <333333