• Hey Guest,

    As you know, censorship around the world has been ramping up at an alarming pace. The UK and OFCOM has singled out this community and have been focusing its censorship efforts here. It takes a good amount of resources to maintain the infrastructure for our community and to resist this censorship. We would appreciate any and all donations.

    Bitcoin Address (BTC): 39deg9i6Zp1GdrwyKkqZU6rAbsEspvLBJt

    Ethereum (ETH): 0xd799aF8E2e5cEd14cdb344e6D6A9f18011B79BE9

    Monero (XMR): 49tuJbzxwVPUhhDjzz6H222Kh8baKe6rDEsXgE617DVSDD8UKNaXvKNU8dEVRTAFH9Av8gKkn4jDzVGF25snJgNfUfKKNC8

synthcadia

synthcadia

dissociated angel.
Jul 8, 2023
256
i just feel like i keep spiraling. like last night, i think the weight of everything hit me. i was watching a kdrama where this god who can destroy the world and a girl who has 3 months to live meet. i think it was the cancer part that made me crack.

i had gone downstairs then and thought about ctbing on my ADHD pills, but i was worried about living and incurring more debt. and then i thought about stabbing myself with a knife, but i'm too chickenshit.

and i'm just tired.

and i'm racked with anxiety. like i've been trying to meet people and this one person who is chill has been kinda flirty towards me? i have a partner but my abandonment issues run so high that i'm afraid to tell them i have a partner cause i'm afraid he'll just stop talking to me. (and of course i'm not doing anything and he has suggested sending shit and i have politely declined - and i'm acting the same way i would normally too.)

i just hate my life overall. i hate my being, myself, my weight, my appearance, my circumstances, my family, everything. i wish i had a different life. i wish everything could be different.

sometimes i feel the temptation to just let go and go crazy and do stuff that'll hurt other people, like my partner, because in my mind, i'll ctb in the end. but i mean i LOVE my partner. the distance is just killing me. and i am more socially deprived. and my partner knows i need friends and trusts me. i wish i trusted myself more. (and i would NEVER do anything intentionally flirty or anything. and the issue here is autism too.)

overall, just fucking tired and i wanna be dead.
to add onto this, i dont know if the person KNOWS i have a partner or not, cause i stated it very clearly ;; and i hate how scared i am to say "hey i have a partner" etc., but like i know that all flirtations are coming from their end. and on a positive note, i am still resisting caving into self-sabotage which is an upside.
i think something else that makes this so much more complicated is my DID- i can't control the behavior of my alters. i take accountability, but i can't control them. i just can't because it's a separate state of consciousness. it's me but also NOT me.

and one of them is just chilling and is acting like me but he says that we are fine, and he won't do shit but he also isn't anxious. but i dunno.

i'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. and i'm trying not to be a bad person. distance is just killing me, along with depression, trauma, and social isolation.
 
Last edited:
  • Hugs
Reactions: PA𝖨𝑁 and vanillamilkshakes
synthcadia

synthcadia

dissociated angel.
Jul 8, 2023
256
i think i just need to remind myself that im not doing anything that is unfaithful to my partner

i get anxious over the smallest of things anyway, and i think i'm worried that if i'm not perfect i'm a failure or something
 
synthcadia

synthcadia

dissociated angel.
Jul 8, 2023
256
i think i'm in the state of depression where nothing is pleasurable anymore. i'm always trying to chase a high that will go away, and then i'm left with my emptiness.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: soledad.virgen

Similar threads

Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
Replies
2
Views
97
Recovery
Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
Chuuya-Chan ⋆. 𐙚˚
HeartThatFeeds
Replies
1
Views
248
Suicide Discussion
JustSomeWeirdo
JustSomeWeirdo
lavenderlilylies
Replies
2
Views
159
Suicide Discussion
Unknown21
Unknown21
kmycluisfe
Replies
2
Views
152
Offtopic
Praestat_Mori
P
lavenderlilylies
  • Question
Replies
30
Views
809
Suicide Discussion
lavenderlilylies
lavenderlilylies