Consider this.
For all my life, I've never had friends. For this reason, I've always been depressed and socially anxious to the point that I haven't been able to work. A couple of years ago, I started studying. It's always been easy for me and I'm extremely passionate about learning all types of knowledge when it comes to the social sciences and the humanities. I never went to high school because I felt bored and depressed at that point in my life. It was a stupid decision. But so finishing the high school courses to be eligible for university was the first step. Online. I knew I would be too anxious to do irl. And I wouldn't have the energy. But I was excited. I really wanted to continue to university to study cultural anthropology. Then when I finally started university, I was really happy.
I've never felt that I belong anywhere, but studying was really something for me. It kept my mood up and even though it was my first semester I knew I wanted to continue on to doctoral studies. Still, I always had a question in the back of my mind: what happens when I graduate? If I don't get into the PhD program? You see, I actually thought about studying somewhat as therapy. I had such interest in what I was studying that it was relatively easy to do it even though I was depressed. (True – and this is part of my problem – I had periods where I fell back into deeper depressive epsiodes and I failed courses, so I've had to retake some courses or switched to others, but studying didn't require me to work everyday and I didn't have to be very social, so it was nothing like a job that'd be more challenging). I hoped I would become better one day and then maybe I would have the energy to find a job. Maybe my degree would help to make it easier. Especially if I get into grad school. Or maybe I could continue to be this weird if I try a career in academia. But I kind of knew that I wouldn't become better.
It's always been about friends for me. I realized that a couple of years ago. Antidepressants have never worked for me. Am I even depressed? I've asked. Because, to elaborate: I've had friends (for a couple of months, the three times I've dated in my life) and those periods have been so tremendously different for me. It's given me so much energy from time to time that both my depression and anxiety lifted for awhile. But so let's fast forward to now: I think I have a friend for real. It's not a date, but we met at university a little more than a year ago and it doesn't have that temporary character anymore. I've also graduated; just now, this spring. Yet I've never been so sure in that I have to commit suicide.
So why does a person that's recently graduated from university and finally found a friend for the first time in his life want to kill himself? I don't. In one sense, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. But in another, I've met that point I dreaded: graduated without a possibility of having a job. Partly because I'm still a little depressed and anxious (I just this week left a job as a telephone salesperson because I was too anxious), but mostly because I have zero work experience in my CV. The last 8 years I've been either studying or having depressive episodes doing nothing. And yeah, it's taken me 8 years to study what should've taken 6 years. What's probably more of a red flag for employers (and especially for those with jobs relevant to my degree) is that I'm 31 and never had a job.
Having graduated in my situation also means I won't be able to keep my student apartment. And I can't continue studying for more than 2 months this fall because my student's allowance is maxed out after all the times I've fallen back into depression and failed classes. I also have like $50 k in debt because I had to take loans to pay rent once, and I won't be able to make that down payment at the end of this month, so that means it'll go on the record and I won't be able to get another appartment (which you also need a job for of course).
So I have to leave this world. I don't know why the world hates me, but as soon as something good comes my way, my life just keeps on getting ruined. I don't have words for how much it puzzles me. I've never hurt anyone, I've always worked for promoting human rights and a strange realization when you've had no friends for years is that you want friends because you want someone to care for. And now my life can end in two ways: as homeless or as dead. I'll choose the latter, in a period where I want it the least. I've started to be more distant toward my friend so that our friendship will end naturally, because I don't want her to know I'm dead.
This post is just ... I don't know ... a last desperate and far-fetched hope. Like, if anyone out there happens to be a millionaire and you wanna help out, you're welcome. That's all.
For all my life, I've never had friends. For this reason, I've always been depressed and socially anxious to the point that I haven't been able to work. A couple of years ago, I started studying. It's always been easy for me and I'm extremely passionate about learning all types of knowledge when it comes to the social sciences and the humanities. I never went to high school because I felt bored and depressed at that point in my life. It was a stupid decision. But so finishing the high school courses to be eligible for university was the first step. Online. I knew I would be too anxious to do irl. And I wouldn't have the energy. But I was excited. I really wanted to continue to university to study cultural anthropology. Then when I finally started university, I was really happy.
I've never felt that I belong anywhere, but studying was really something for me. It kept my mood up and even though it was my first semester I knew I wanted to continue on to doctoral studies. Still, I always had a question in the back of my mind: what happens when I graduate? If I don't get into the PhD program? You see, I actually thought about studying somewhat as therapy. I had such interest in what I was studying that it was relatively easy to do it even though I was depressed. (True – and this is part of my problem – I had periods where I fell back into deeper depressive epsiodes and I failed courses, so I've had to retake some courses or switched to others, but studying didn't require me to work everyday and I didn't have to be very social, so it was nothing like a job that'd be more challenging). I hoped I would become better one day and then maybe I would have the energy to find a job. Maybe my degree would help to make it easier. Especially if I get into grad school. Or maybe I could continue to be this weird if I try a career in academia. But I kind of knew that I wouldn't become better.
It's always been about friends for me. I realized that a couple of years ago. Antidepressants have never worked for me. Am I even depressed? I've asked. Because, to elaborate: I've had friends (for a couple of months, the three times I've dated in my life) and those periods have been so tremendously different for me. It's given me so much energy from time to time that both my depression and anxiety lifted for awhile. But so let's fast forward to now: I think I have a friend for real. It's not a date, but we met at university a little more than a year ago and it doesn't have that temporary character anymore. I've also graduated; just now, this spring. Yet I've never been so sure in that I have to commit suicide.
So why does a person that's recently graduated from university and finally found a friend for the first time in his life want to kill himself? I don't. In one sense, I'm the happiest I've ever been in my life. But in another, I've met that point I dreaded: graduated without a possibility of having a job. Partly because I'm still a little depressed and anxious (I just this week left a job as a telephone salesperson because I was too anxious), but mostly because I have zero work experience in my CV. The last 8 years I've been either studying or having depressive episodes doing nothing. And yeah, it's taken me 8 years to study what should've taken 6 years. What's probably more of a red flag for employers (and especially for those with jobs relevant to my degree) is that I'm 31 and never had a job.
Having graduated in my situation also means I won't be able to keep my student apartment. And I can't continue studying for more than 2 months this fall because my student's allowance is maxed out after all the times I've fallen back into depression and failed classes. I also have like $50 k in debt because I had to take loans to pay rent once, and I won't be able to make that down payment at the end of this month, so that means it'll go on the record and I won't be able to get another appartment (which you also need a job for of course).
So I have to leave this world. I don't know why the world hates me, but as soon as something good comes my way, my life just keeps on getting ruined. I don't have words for how much it puzzles me. I've never hurt anyone, I've always worked for promoting human rights and a strange realization when you've had no friends for years is that you want friends because you want someone to care for. And now my life can end in two ways: as homeless or as dead. I'll choose the latter, in a period where I want it the least. I've started to be more distant toward my friend so that our friendship will end naturally, because I don't want her to know I'm dead.
This post is just ... I don't know ... a last desperate and far-fetched hope. Like, if anyone out there happens to be a millionaire and you wanna help out, you're welcome. That's all.
