killmesoftly vent thread

[killmesoftly]

I hate my life, today was so fucking horrible. It's such a long story as to why everything is so fucked up for me and why I want to ctb and my autistic + adhd brain doesn't help me in being able to explain coherently but I desperately need to vent and hopefully, just hopefully have someone listen and understand. I don't have the energy to start from the beginning so I'll tell more backstory eventually so things make more sense, but for now I just need to vent about what I can manage to get out even if its incoherent.

My ex came back from their trip to europe yesterday and showed up at my door out of nowhere. The last time we spoke was a month ago, when they had already been away in europe for a month, and I was really suicidal because I had lost my job almost as soon as they left, and it had been a month of laying in bed sobbing every day trying to sleep the days away all alone. They had also lost their passport when they first got to where they were going, (where they plan to move to in a few years anyway, which was a point of contention in our relationship bc what was the point if they're set on moving to another continent whether I'm coming or not?) and said (so casually) that they might just move there now instead of coming back. That crushed me and made me feel so temporary and unimportant in their life. Then despite knowing how bad I was doing, they decided to extend their trip for another month because they experience a lot of racism in the city we live in and it makes them hate their life. I couldn't blame them but our relationship was already so, so tumultous and I couldn't deal with missing them, waiting for them to come back for a whole other month. I have strong abandonment issues and trauma so I couldn't take it. It really triggered me and I attempted and they were too preoccupied with their partying in europe to even be of any support. So I cut things off explaining that I need people who are here and consistent and they understood. Then yesterday they show up saying they miss me so much and can't stop thinking about me and wanted to make sure I'm okay. I was so stupid and talked to them and told them I miss them too but I'm really not doing well still. We chatted about their trip for a bit, ordered dinner. Then they tell me they're moving back in January. Crushed my heart all over again. We fought, they left and I was sobbing and screaming into my pillow, just in so much fucking pain. Today we spoke over text and they said they want to be here for me even if i CTB soon. I told them I can't imagine doing that to someone, bringing them back into my life just so my last months aren't so lonely just to CTB in a few months. And that if by some miracle I find the will to keep going, them leaving in January will crush me to fucking pieces, they're all I have in this city, my only friend and family live across the country. I don't know what to do. I told them I want them to really think about the choice to be here for me in my final days as I don't want to traumatize them when I'm gone and to get back to me once they've thought it over bc they kept insisting they were okay with it and just want to be here for me but I don't trust it. I also don't want to be crushed bc I know being with them is the only thing that makes me want to live, and if I get attached again and used to spending time together, when they move I know I'll CTB. Anyways, this is a gd novel at this point so I'm sorry. If anyone read all this and has any advice on if I should just give up on them or not I don't know what to do, I feel like I'm destined to CTB either way so idk if it matters.
i'm so distressed can someone please talk to me

 

[killmesoftly]

someone please anyone talk to me i feel delusional and like an awful person

 

[fvckfamily]

alguém por favor alguém fale comigo eu me sinto delirante e como uma pessoa horrível

Hi, how are you

 

[killmesoftly]

Hi, how are you

hi, not good :( really lonely and distressed, even the crisis lines aren't helping because I'm not acutely suicidal it's long term

 

[fvckfamily]

I know what's happening, if you have time watching a movie or series it can help you forget

 

[wildflowers1996]

I'm so so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I really feel for you, because I've sort of been through a similar situation (I took an overdose before and my best friend left me on my own to go to a party). It really, really really hurts to be made to feel so unimportant like that.
I appreciate it's hard for them living somewhere where they experience so much racism, but it also hurts when someone says they love you, but only seem to love you at times it's convenient for them.
Would moving to Europe with them be an option? How would you feel about that?
Do you feel it would be possible to make deeper connections with other people? I know you feel like you don't want to hurt anyone by CTB, so that might prevent you from doing so - may I ask what the main reasons are for you wanting to ctb? x

 

[killmesoftly]

I'm so so sorry. I wish I could give you a hug. I really feel for you, because I've sort of been through a similar situation (I took an overdose before and my best friend left me on my own to go to a party). It really, really really hurts to be made to feel so unimportant like that.
I appreciate it's hard for them living somewhere where they experience so much racism, but it also hurts when someone says they love you, but only seem to love you at times it's convenient for them.
Would moving to Europe with them be an option? How would you feel about that?
Do you feel it would be possible to make deeper connections with other people? I know you feel like you don't want to hurt anyone by CTB, so that might prevent you from doing so - may I ask what the main reasons are for you wanting to ctb? x

Thank you so, so , so much for answering, I really appreciate it. That's exactly what I've been feeling, that they only love me when it's convenient for them. I don't know about moving to Europe with them, our relationship is so unstable even before all this that it seems like such a gamble. I also don't want to move that far from home and my family and only friend.
I'd like to make deeper connections with other people but it's extremely hard for me. I'm autistic and just awful at making and keeping friends. I also feel very guilty making new relationships with people when I'll probably ctb regardless, just more people to traumatize.
It's hard to summarize why I want to ctb- mostly a lot of trauma that weighs me down every day, chronic unwavering depression and anxiety, have had no energy to care for myself or leave the house and participate in life for 2 years now. I'm not very smart, not very good at anything, and don't have much chance in life. At the end of the day I just hate living and being alive and being too autistic for this world, I'm always overstimulated, somethings always bothering me and I can't find any accommodations or tools that make life bearable. I've tried meds, tried therapy, I'm just too messed up for this world.