F
Forever Sleep
Earned it we have...
- May 4, 2022
- 10,069
Most things I'm faced with that I need to do, I get that familiar spoilt child response that 'I don't want to.' I don't want to tidy the house. I don't want to do the washing up. I don't want to clean or cook. I don't want to do my work or fulfil any social obligations. I don't want to exercise. I don't even know if I want to want anything anymore. If that makes sense? I don't even know that I want my sense of motivation back because, that still means I need to do these things! Surely that means I want death most of all- right?
I think there is that whole saying that we don't actually want death. We just want the 'pain' to stop. It isn't exactly pain in my case (thankfully.) It's more maybe that I want the nature of life to be different. But, it won't be. So- what other solution is there?
Maybe I do want to rest but then, practically speaking, I can't rest forever. Well, I can. That's why suicide feels so appealing. All I have now to motivate myself is the knowlege that I at least don't want things to get worse. That usually eventually does the trick but, it's like trying to get blood out of a stone.
I'm not 100% convinced it is depression or anhedonia causing all this. Would I be able to function at all with them? Truly, how do people make themselves do all this shit? I don't think I've ever been all that great with it to be fair- definitely not with domestic chores. But, I've gradually got worse. Maybe as I've felt less and less of a sense of obligation to bother. It's only me who has to put up with the mess. Urghhhhh. Moan overwith. I better try to make a start at least...
I think there is that whole saying that we don't actually want death. We just want the 'pain' to stop. It isn't exactly pain in my case (thankfully.) It's more maybe that I want the nature of life to be different. But, it won't be. So- what other solution is there?
Maybe I do want to rest but then, practically speaking, I can't rest forever. Well, I can. That's why suicide feels so appealing. All I have now to motivate myself is the knowlege that I at least don't want things to get worse. That usually eventually does the trick but, it's like trying to get blood out of a stone.
I'm not 100% convinced it is depression or anhedonia causing all this. Would I be able to function at all with them? Truly, how do people make themselves do all this shit? I don't think I've ever been all that great with it to be fair- definitely not with domestic chores. But, I've gradually got worse. Maybe as I've felt less and less of a sense of obligation to bother. It's only me who has to put up with the mess. Urghhhhh. Moan overwith. I better try to make a start at least...
Last edited: