D
dumed1
Member
- Jun 25, 2024
- 21
I've been suicidal before, but never registered an account here until now. About a year ago, I came out of a major depression and decided to get lasik. Maybe because I was a bit manic after having overcome depression, I didn't do as much research as I'd normally do about such a serious procedure, and I think I would have never gotten it if I had fully read and understood the risks. But I did get it, and it was great for awhile, but then my eyes suddenly became so dry that I have to constantly put in eye drops (many times per hour) and can't go outside almost at all, or my eyes will dry out. If do go outside or neglect the eyedrops, my eyes will be in pain for days and my vision will permanently deteriorate in weird ways. Worst of all, it doesn't seem like this condition is treatable, or that any doctor even knows what's wrong exactly - all they know is that lasik severed my corneal nerves, and thus my tear glands don't produce tears anymore, or at least tears that are good quality.
I can't do most of the things that make life worth living, except hang out with my girlfriend, who is a saint and hasn't left me (yet). But she wants to go out, and I can't do that. I see myself becoming a bitter, complaining person who is always in pain and can't do basic things. I see myself losing all my friends and my girlfriend. I can see myself losing my job and then my healthcare.
I fear becoming blind and not being able to commit suicide beforehand. I really don't want to be alive if I'm blind. I am 37, I don't know how to be a blind person, and I will not be able to learn how to navigate the world or find community. Who would take care of me? I have no real family. I also really like visual information, and my brain would be moving way too fast for auditory information to keep me engaged. I'd probably end up wishing for death constantly, even more than I already do due to my eye problems. And I've had suicidal thoughts even when my body was healthy!
So, I've decided to start planning to CTB in parallel to getting treatment that will hopefully help me (but is a long shot, as there is no real treatment for this, only management). That way, if my vision deteriorates, I will be able to end my life before I become a blind man with no one around to help him.
In the past, I wanted to use the nitrogen exit bag method, since it seemed to be the most peaceful. But I'm not sure that this is good for my current situation, as a nitrogen tank is too big to hide from others and might be hard to acquire and set up if I'm near-blind (the other stuff, like the exit bag and the regulator/tube is small enough to be kept hidden). Another method I looked at is SN, which can be kept hidden, but it's much less appealing to me, especially since I have to take an anti-emetic and might still puke. Seems not very peaceful, AND the ingredients seem hard to source. I just wish I could buy a firearm, but I live in one of the few jurisdictions in the US where purchasing any gun is illegal without special permission.
I can't do most of the things that make life worth living, except hang out with my girlfriend, who is a saint and hasn't left me (yet). But she wants to go out, and I can't do that. I see myself becoming a bitter, complaining person who is always in pain and can't do basic things. I see myself losing all my friends and my girlfriend. I can see myself losing my job and then my healthcare.
I fear becoming blind and not being able to commit suicide beforehand. I really don't want to be alive if I'm blind. I am 37, I don't know how to be a blind person, and I will not be able to learn how to navigate the world or find community. Who would take care of me? I have no real family. I also really like visual information, and my brain would be moving way too fast for auditory information to keep me engaged. I'd probably end up wishing for death constantly, even more than I already do due to my eye problems. And I've had suicidal thoughts even when my body was healthy!
So, I've decided to start planning to CTB in parallel to getting treatment that will hopefully help me (but is a long shot, as there is no real treatment for this, only management). That way, if my vision deteriorates, I will be able to end my life before I become a blind man with no one around to help him.
In the past, I wanted to use the nitrogen exit bag method, since it seemed to be the most peaceful. But I'm not sure that this is good for my current situation, as a nitrogen tank is too big to hide from others and might be hard to acquire and set up if I'm near-blind (the other stuff, like the exit bag and the regulator/tube is small enough to be kept hidden). Another method I looked at is SN, which can be kept hidden, but it's much less appealing to me, especially since I have to take an anti-emetic and might still puke. Seems not very peaceful, AND the ingredients seem hard to source. I just wish I could buy a firearm, but I live in one of the few jurisdictions in the US where purchasing any gun is illegal without special permission.