Story Last thoughts before i fall asleep

[Caustic Cardinals]

Every night I hope I never wake up.

I have felt this way for as long as I can remember.
I first started thinking about my own mortality at about 7 or 8.
At that time in my life , I only new suffering .

I recall realizing that when other kids were getting affection it was because they were loved.
For me affection was conditional .
I was not loved .
I was a thing.
A thing for amusement, to be toyed with . I was for the men in my life an object .
I was an outlet for debasement, a target for twisted enjoyment.

Every night I hope I never wake up.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

No need or want to wake up either unfortunately it never happens.

 

[jaemus12]

No need or want to wake up either unfortunately it never happens.

You cannot imagine how much I want to just die or go into cardiac arrest when I sleep every night. Never wake up and just escape.

 

[Justanotherconsumer]

You cannot imagine how much I want to just die or go into cardiac arrest when I sleep every night. Never wake up and just escape.

It's actually how I realized God is just a mental illness. Talking to yourself and knowing it will do no good is beyond disempowering.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

It's actually how I realized God is just a mental illness. Talking to yourself and knowing it will do no good is beyond disempowering.

long time atheist here.