monetpompo
૮ • ﻌ - ა
- Apr 21, 2025
- 128
my thought process is really just "i'm gonna kill myself soon. with a rope. then i'll die probably. i'll practice tying knots then i'll die when i get to it".
i've never been a super determined person. i don't like learning new things and i don't like doing anything that's hard, since i'm bad at wanting to continue. i want to give up when doing most things because i feel like i'm worse than everyone and i don't want to train to get better. i get stuck at step 1 and complain. no, i'd rather not practice. i don't really care, i want to lay in bed instead. it feels embarrassing and childish to be like this.
i just want to be able to kill myself so that i stop failing at the things i try to do and looking stupid in front of everyone. i know there's people in the world that think untalented, depressed, lazy people should die. i know that there are people who think i contribute nothing to the world by just existing. i get anxious looking at posts about failed hanging attempts. i feel like i'll end up failing too, since i half-ass almost everything i do. the people that do succeed aren't around, so i guess i can't really hear from them. i just don't want to keep failing. i don't i'm allowed to be bitter about being untalented if i'm not trying to be better. the reason people keep going is because they believe in themselves, but i don't believe in myself at all. i never want anyone to ask me what i want to do in life. i won't have an answer for them. i feel so guilty that i don't have a purpose like the people around me do. i have 0 expectations for myself because if i set them, i'm worried about them being too high. sometimes i think that i'm more of a caricature of a person. that i actually really only exist for people to compare themselves to and punch down on.
i've never been a super determined person. i don't like learning new things and i don't like doing anything that's hard, since i'm bad at wanting to continue. i want to give up when doing most things because i feel like i'm worse than everyone and i don't want to train to get better. i get stuck at step 1 and complain. no, i'd rather not practice. i don't really care, i want to lay in bed instead. it feels embarrassing and childish to be like this.
i just want to be able to kill myself so that i stop failing at the things i try to do and looking stupid in front of everyone. i know there's people in the world that think untalented, depressed, lazy people should die. i know that there are people who think i contribute nothing to the world by just existing. i get anxious looking at posts about failed hanging attempts. i feel like i'll end up failing too, since i half-ass almost everything i do. the people that do succeed aren't around, so i guess i can't really hear from them. i just don't want to keep failing. i don't i'm allowed to be bitter about being untalented if i'm not trying to be better. the reason people keep going is because they believe in themselves, but i don't believe in myself at all. i never want anyone to ask me what i want to do in life. i won't have an answer for them. i feel so guilty that i don't have a purpose like the people around me do. i have 0 expectations for myself because if i set them, i'm worried about them being too high. sometimes i think that i'm more of a caricature of a person. that i actually really only exist for people to compare themselves to and punch down on.
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