Story lesbianism has destroyed me

[kindawannacrylol]

I figured out I was a lesbian at around, 12-13 I had a crush on this girl who had a crush on me. It was such a special feeling, a feeling I wouldn't dare to let myself experience nowadays. I am also religious, a christian, and finding a balance between my sexuality and religion is impossible because there simply isn't one. And because of that I have previously tried to find a way to erase or change my lesbianism through conversion therapy, excessive praying, until it turned into a kind of self punishment where I would force myself into sexual experiences with guys to try to feel something, none of those methods worked obviously, a change in sexuality for me at least is simply impossible, and that broke me. I used to fantasize about and still do, a perfect life with a husband and a few children, and although being with a man could be bearable, the thought of having to do anything intimate with one completely repels me, it makes me sick,i can't even think about it. With women it's different, it's not a 'perfect' picture its messy its real i feel as if i can be myself around a woman, the romance feels fresh and childlike, it makes me feel free and happy, and the fact that I can't enjoy that hurts, and while it destroyed me, being a lesbian is one of my favorite parts of myself, the side that's able to love and smile and be happy and enjoy life but its the side, i never get to see.

 

[motel rooms]

Your religion is destroying you, not lesbianism. How old were you when you underwent conversion therapy?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Christian_denominations_affirming_LGBT_people

 

[JustAnumber]

maybe if you remove the religious part of you then that would free you up to be who you really are.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian and you shouldn't repress it, it's not healthy. There's Christians who aren't homophobic so you don't even need to abandon your faith, just find the right community.

ps. The word homosexual was never in the bible, it wasn't in the Bible until 1946, the word it replaced is pedophile.

1946 | The Mistranslation that Shifted a Culture

1946 is a revolutionary documentary that chronicles how the misuse of a single word changed the course of modern history.

www.1946themovie.com

ps. Part 2. I don't know why you want to CTB and I respect your decision but if it's because of being lesbian, please reconsider. There's even LGBT christian communities and those who don't accept lgbt people are wrong.

 

[Bullit]

If it helps any,when I was in my early twenties,two girls getting it on would drive me wild! Unfortunately, I only saw it in porno,not real life! Go ahead,be a lesbian!

 

[motel rooms]

If it helps any,when I was in my early twenties,two girls getting it on would drive me wild!

Oh, you str8 pig... If it helps any, I used to imagine I was doing Steve McQueen when I was bonking a guy who looked a bit like him

 

[WornOutLife]

That's why I hate religion so much.
If there's really a God, he/she/it will love us no matter whether we like boys or girls.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Hope you can feel better somehow!

Hugs and love,

Matt

 

[Beachedwhale]

There is NOTHING wrong with you. There is NOTHING wrong with lesbianism. There is something very very wrong with religion.

Please PLEASE as someone who was destroyed because I was both gay and religious in my teens and tried to pray it away, you MUST drop religion. It has no place in modern society. It serves no purpose. What is the point? We don't need religion. Please I BEG you to embrace yourself fully because your lesbianism isn't ever going away but religion can. Because sexuality is NATURAL and this is a scientific fact while religion is not natural.

Are you sure that is a perfect life? . Your vision of that will keep changing and you need to listen to your inmost heart. Life is about pleasure and joy so please just ENJOY being with other women. Never ever be ashamed of your pleasure and your body.

 

[Lmd]

Religion* has destroyed you

 

[Celerity]

I'm really sorry you have gone through that. It's religion that has done this. Why do you hold onto a belief system that hates you? Ask yourself, "What material harm does homosexuality do to anybody?". What is the moral wrong in it? Can you tell me anything other than "God's will"?

 

[loopylou]

Doesn't Christianity state ' no sex before marriage' ??

 

[kindawannacrylol]

So, what's your plan?

no idea at all haha

Your religion is destroying you, not lesbianism. How old were you when you underwent conversion therapy?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Christian_denominations_affirming_LGBT_people

religion is what's keeping me breathing, the fear of hell is the only reason i'm still here i think.
i was 16 years old

 

[BottomlessPit]

This is so tragic, a perfect example of why the world should be rid of this cancer that is Christianity.
You don't have to subscribe to an ideology that considers you subhuman in order to find meaning in life.

i was 16 years old

You are a victim of child abuse, and the perpetrators managed to convince you that it is your fault. The people that did this to you ought to be in jail if we lived in a just world.

How could homosexuality ever be considered a moral wrong when we have no control over it whatsoever? If I was sleepwalking and knocked over a glass while doing so, and in the next morning someone slips because of the shards and dies, I couldn't be held accountable for that since I didn't smash the glass intentionally. For an act to be immoral there needs to be conscious intent, which is not given in homosexuality. You were born with it, with no say in the matter.

Which means that homosexuality could never be evaluated as either morally good or bad, as it completely falls outside of the moral sphere.
But even if it was intentional it wouldn't be morally bad since it doesn't hurt anyone. The only one who allegedly has a problem with it is that invisible sky daddy who for some reason cares about what 7.9 billion people do while naked. Seems kinda out there to me, don't you think an omnipotent creator of the universe would have better things to do?

 

[929er]

the thing destroying you is religion, not your sexual orientation.

 

[whywere]

Hi! Well lets see where should I start? On the religion aspect. I was raised Christian , and dropped it like a white hot rock when I was around 18 or so. I am 65 years young and I state this only because through all the decades I have run into people who were religious and were going to heaven BUT, they would stand and look me in the eye and say awful things like all gay men and women are going to hell, they should have never been born, etc. WOW, what a wake up call for me and I dumped organized religion instantly. I hate to say this, but you have to listen to your heart and close your ears and eyes as far as other peoples ideas, religions ideas and be YOU. A higher power, loves unconditionally everyone and NOT some man made up garbage. My "dad" used to have a saying: "do not do as I am, do as I tell you". and that can be said across the spectrum of life. Be you, and love yourself and love whoever pleases you. I am bi and in my area where I grew up, a lot of people used to wrinkle their nose up to me and say very nasty things to my face. Well, guess what, I moved away from there over 40 years ago and those people ARE STILL doing the same old stuff and have never had a fun or full filling life and me? I have traveled everywhere, have had lots of experiences and NEVER EVER looked back. Go spread your wings, feel the warm sunshine and go live your life without any regrets. You deserve it 100%. Sending you lots of hugs, smiles and SUPPORT to help you! Walter

 

[PressEnterToExit]

I figured out I was a lesbian at around, 12-13 I had a crush on this girl who had a crush on me. It was such a special feeling, a feeling I wouldn't dare to let myself experience nowadays. I am also religious, a christian, and finding a balance between my sexuality and religion is impossible because there simply isn't one. And because of that I have previously tried to find a way to erase or change my lesbianism through conversion therapy, excessive praying, until it turned into a kind of self punishment where I would force myself into sexual experiences with guys to try to feel something, none of those methods worked obviously, a change in sexuality for me at least is simply impossible, and that broke me. I used to fantasize about and still do, a perfect life with a husband and a few children, and although being with a man could be bearable, the thought of having to do anything intimate with one completely repels me, it makes me sick,i can't even think about it. With women it's different, it's not a 'perfect' picture its messy its real i feel as if i can be myself around a woman, the romance feels fresh and childlike, it makes me feel free and happy, and the fact that I can't enjoy that hurts, and while it destroyed me, being a lesbian is one of my favorite parts of myself, the side that's able to love and smile and be happy and enjoy life but its the side, i never get to see.

Religion doesn't worth for nothing if doesn't makes you happy. Don't let yourself get trapped in traps...

 

[RockBot]

no idea at all haha

religion is what's keeping me breathing, the fear of hell is the only reason i'm still here i think.
i was 16 years old

I think there might be a confusion between 'religion' and 'faith' or 'belief'. There are tens of thousands of religions. You can still have your strong faith but I think it's time you opened up to the possibility that some religions are oppressive, outdated and/or controlling. To be fair that's what Christianity was designed to be when the Roman leadership decided to adopt it. Lesbianism has nothing to do with it. You can be whomever you want to be. Anyone reasonable will support and accept you for whatever path you wish to take sexually. There are some good books written by people who have successfully come out of cult religions, and although you don't identify yourself as being in one, it might help you to reflect on your own perspectives of life, love, religion, wants and needs.

 

[FuneralCry]

I don't believe in any religions personally. There is nothing wrong with being a lesbian in any way, people should be able to feel how they feel, trying to change who we are can negatively affect us. I wish you the best.

 

[motel rooms]

religion is what's keeping me breathing, the fear of hell is the only reason i'm still here i think.

I'm not religious myself, but I know that it's very hard for someone who is deeply devout to just change that about themselves. You should contact other gay Christians who belong to one of these churches - https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Christian_denominations_affirming_LGBT_people
Maybe some of their stories will inspire you & help you realize that you're not alone in your struggle. You didn't choose to be a lesbian & you can't stop being one no matter how much you hate & torture yourself. You've learned the hard way that conversion therapy doesn't work...

 

[meetapple]

Look into joining the Metropolitan Community Church or the Unitarian Church.

 

[Sslsh]

Just because you are born into a faith doesn't mean you somehow belong to it or have to follow it. Many faiths have come and gone over the years but their progeny have remained. Most modern day "Christians" in Asia and Africa are products of conversion either by the sword or by deciet. Sexuality on the other hand is something that's your identity and you should embrace it.

 

[NeverReallyHere]

religion is what's keeping me breathing, the fear of hell is the only reason i'm still here i think.

Religion has poisoned you. Think about it: why would a just God condemn his creations (which he supposedly loves unconditionally) to an eternity of torture? Hell is an invention of sick human minds, bent on domination and control. The question is, is it really hell you're afraid of or alienation from your religious peers and family? If it's the latter you have to ask yourself whether all this guilt and unhappiness is a price worth paying for their acceptance. The very fact that you're on this forum should provide an answer.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

there's nothing wrong with being a lesbian and you shouldn't repress it, it's not healthy. There's Christians who aren't homophobic so you don't even need to abandon your faith, just find the right community.

ps. The word homosexual was never in the bible, it wasn't in the Bible until 1946, the word it replaced is pedophile.

1946 | The Mistranslation that Shifted a Culture

1946 is a revolutionary documentary that chronicles how the misuse of a single word changed the course of modern history.

www.1946themovie.com

ps. Part 2. I don't know why you want to CTB and I respect your decision but if it's because of being lesbian, please reconsider. There's even LGBT christian communities and those who don't accept lgbt people are wrong.

'And those who don't accept LGBT people are wrong'. And why is that? Do people not have the right to make their own decisions?

 

[motel rooms]

'And those who don't accept LGBT people are wrong'. And why is that? Do people not have the right to make their own decisions?

They have the right to believe what they want, but they don't have the right to discriminate against other human beings or endanger their well-being. "Gay conversion therapy" for minors is a form of child abuse & it's sickening that it's banned only in some countries & US states

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

'And those who don't accept LGBT people are wrong'. And why is that? Do people not have the right to make their own decisions?

They are wrong in their interpretation of the Bible. As well as in discriminating people. Homosexuality is something natural, not a sin, not an illness.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

They are wrong in their interpretation of the Bible. As well as in discriminating people. Homosexuality is something natural, not a sin, not an illness.

Ignored!

 

[FireFox]

I figured out I was a lesbian at around, 12-13 I had a crush on this girl who had a crush on me. It was such a special feeling, a feeling I wouldn't dare to let myself experience nowadays. I am also religious, a christian, and finding a balance between my sexuality and religion is impossible because there simply isn't one. And because of that I have previously tried to find a way to erase or change my lesbianism through conversion therapy, excessive praying, until it turned into a kind of self punishment where I would force myself into sexual experiences with guys to try to feel something, none of those methods worked obviously, a change in sexuality for me at least is simply impossible, and that broke me. I used to fantasize about and still do, a perfect life with a husband and a few children, and although being with a man could be bearable, the thought of having to do anything intimate with one completely repels me, it makes me sick,i can't even think about it. With women it's different, it's not a 'perfect' picture its messy its real i feel as if i can be myself around a woman, the romance feels fresh and childlike, it makes me feel free and happy, and the fact that I can't enjoy that hurts, and while it destroyed me, being a lesbian is one of my favorite parts of myself, the side that's able to love and smile and be happy and enjoy life but its the side, i never get to see.

People should be free to love whoever they want ,provided both parties are free and consenting adults without judgement and prejudices from a particular community and wider community. The deepest desires of the human heart are the person's business and nobody should be judged , abused and questioned for their sexual preferences.

Gay, lesbian, bisexual, black , white etc at the end of the day we all human and nobody should be treated badly for their sexual preferences especially in the mordern age.

If you keep pretending to be something you are not you will never be happy

 

[Hurt]

There's not wrong with being lesbian. Don't be ashamed. Wish u the best

 

[brokenwaves]

you shouldn't have to chip away at who you are to fit into a religious ideology. i don't think you have to give up your religious beliefs entirely either, if that is something that would cause you pain. remind yourself that difference of opinion when it comes to religion is the cause of many wars & debates since the beginning of time, there is not a single interpretation that is "the one truth." and what would be the point in life if there is only one right way to live it? people need to stop using scripture to determine what love means, and start using love to determine what scripture means. not to mention, this scripture has been passed through the ages and translated endlessly, you will find just as many interpretations of it as there are humans on earth. you don't need to fit perfectly into a single dogma, following the teachings of Jesus Christ is enough to call yourself Christian, if that is what you want. and last time i checked he didn't say a single thing about gay people. these same toxic preachers who tell us Jesus spent his time on earth with the outcasts, the downtrodden and loved them, will also tell you to shun the outcasts and the downtrodden today. guide yourself with love and empathy. who do gay relationships hurt besides the insecurities of privileged people? love is always the way. i recommend you spend an afternoon googling for some lgbt christian voices (there are many online sharing wonderfully healing resources!).

"If you are looking for verses with which to support slavery, you will find them. If you are looking for verses with which to abolish slavery, you will find them. If you are looking for verses with which to oppress women, you will find them. If you are looking for for verses with which to liberate or honor women, you will find them. If you are looking for reasons to wage war, you will find them. If you are looking for reasons to promote peace, you will find them. If you are looking for an out-dated, irrelevant ancient text, you will find it. If you are looking for truth, believe me, you will find it. This is why there are times when the most instructive question to bring to the text is not "what does it say?", but "what am I looking for?" I suspect Jesus knew this when he said, "ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened." If you want to do violence in this world, you will always find the weapons. If you want to heal, you will always find the balm." - Rachel Held Evans

 

[SuicideGrandEst]

I figured out I was a lesbian at around, 12-13 I had a crush on this girl who had a crush on me. It was such a special feeling, a feeling I wouldn't dare to let myself experience nowadays. I am also religious, a christian, and finding a balance between my sexuality and religion is impossible because there simply isn't one. And because of that I have previously tried to find a way to erase or change my lesbianism through conversion therapy, excessive praying, until it turned into a kind of self punishment where I would force myself into sexual experiences with guys to try to feel something, none of those methods worked obviously, a change in sexuality for me at least is simply impossible, and that broke me. I used to fantasize about and still do, a perfect life with a husband and a few children, and although being with a man could be bearable, the thought of having to do anything intimate with one completely repels me, it makes me sick,i can't even think about it. With women it's different, it's not a 'perfect' picture its messy its real i feel as if i can be myself around a woman, the romance feels fresh and childlike, it makes me feel free and happy, and the fact that I can't enjoy that hurts, and while it destroyed me, being a lesbian is one of my favorite parts of myself, the side that's able to love and smile and be happy and enjoy life but its the side, i never get to see.

Sounds more like homophobia is destroying you/us (lesbians and gays).

I'm a female homosexual too. You can write to me at anytime.

Lots of hugs.