uglyugly
Student
- Aug 24, 2024
- 164
This is an open letter to my family member who ctb by shotgun three years ago. However, before ending his own life, he also murdered his entire immediate family, including his children, so TW for that subject. Definitely TW for swearing. This mentions the virus panic of the past 4 years and I am NOT trying to start a discussion on that.... please.
Dear H,
Why did you do it?
I've been asking myself that question damn near every day for 3 years now. I realize I will never get an answer because you did not leave us a note. You didn't tell anyone what your plans were. But I can't forget and I won't stop asking because I can't get it out of my head.
Let's be clear: I have no idea what drove you to ctb but I support it. I know your dad and mom both had mental issues. I know both were depressed. There's no judgement here if you were depressed. But what I can't and don't support now or ever is your decision to kill your children and wife before turning on yourself. YOU HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT. NONE!
None of us, three years later, understand. We BELIEVE it had something to do with the insanity of the virus panic since that was the going rumor, and judging by what you had collected, it was clear you were ready for some kind of intense battle to the death with someone. This is what we assume, but since you are not around to confirm that, I'm left wondering. What were you afraid of? The government coming to drag you to the gas chambers for refusing to comply? You know something? I WAS AFRAID OF THAT TOO because I too refused to comply. I remember our older family talking about the horrors of WWII and what happened in those camps. I remember having nightmares about it and I bet you did too. Maybe you thought that would happen to your family. But it never happened. So if that's what you thought, then why the hell didn't you wait to see if it actually was happening? I mean, if someone's coming down the street to drag people out of their homes to be taken to a concentration camp, then maybe, JUST MAYBE, killing your family before they can be tortured would be an act of mercy. But it didn't happen and you reacted to an emergency that did not exist. You murdered three people because you were afraid of nothing that was actually happening.
And why the hell didn't you pick up the phone? I needed someone to talk to, too. When all of my close family and every single friend I'd ever had told me to take a hike because I wouldn't go along with the narrative, I was scared, lonely, bewildered, angry, and so fucking confused. I needed someone who felt like I did. I didn't want to be the only one. And you seem to have been in the same boat with me. WHY didn't you reach out? Yeah, I should have tried to reach out to you, too. But I foolishly thought you'd be like everyone else that had turned their back on me.
I think of the police that had to respond to that fucking mess. I think about the family who bought your house where 4 people died. I think about the clean up crew that had to pick up 4 dead bodies, 2 of them children, and how the hell did they clean up the blood? The brains? I think about the detectives, the investigators, the photographers, and everyone who had to see the dead bodies of two young children. What. What the fuck were you thinking?
HOW could you have done that to your children? Exactly how do you look into the eyes of your two children, who were both under 10, and blow them away with a shotgun? How?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I can't forgive you killing your family. You want to off yourself, go for it. But you don't take others with you. Your kids DID NOT deserve that - did you ever even once think about how terrified they had to have been? Their last memory on this planet was their father pointing a fucking shotgun at them! I can't. I just can't begin to understand. That was so cruel, inhumane, and fucked up beyond belief.
The worst part of the funeral was seeing the little tiny box that contained the ashes of your two children, whose ashes they put together so they could be together forever in the ground. That is so. fucked. up. I can't get the image of that little box out of my soul.
Maybe I'll get the same feeling you had during my last moments before I ctb by shotgun. Maybe I'll get where your head was at the time you ctb, but I will NEVER understand why you took innocent lives. I don't know anyone who COULD understand why you did that.
I will tell you this: NO ONE goes with me when I go. No fucking way. Not a chance in hell.
... Which, speaking of.... if there is one, I guess I'll see you there and maybe then you will explain yourself.
- L
Dear H,
Why did you do it?
I've been asking myself that question damn near every day for 3 years now. I realize I will never get an answer because you did not leave us a note. You didn't tell anyone what your plans were. But I can't forget and I won't stop asking because I can't get it out of my head.
Let's be clear: I have no idea what drove you to ctb but I support it. I know your dad and mom both had mental issues. I know both were depressed. There's no judgement here if you were depressed. But what I can't and don't support now or ever is your decision to kill your children and wife before turning on yourself. YOU HAD NO FUCKING RIGHT. NONE!
None of us, three years later, understand. We BELIEVE it had something to do with the insanity of the virus panic since that was the going rumor, and judging by what you had collected, it was clear you were ready for some kind of intense battle to the death with someone. This is what we assume, but since you are not around to confirm that, I'm left wondering. What were you afraid of? The government coming to drag you to the gas chambers for refusing to comply? You know something? I WAS AFRAID OF THAT TOO because I too refused to comply. I remember our older family talking about the horrors of WWII and what happened in those camps. I remember having nightmares about it and I bet you did too. Maybe you thought that would happen to your family. But it never happened. So if that's what you thought, then why the hell didn't you wait to see if it actually was happening? I mean, if someone's coming down the street to drag people out of their homes to be taken to a concentration camp, then maybe, JUST MAYBE, killing your family before they can be tortured would be an act of mercy. But it didn't happen and you reacted to an emergency that did not exist. You murdered three people because you were afraid of nothing that was actually happening.
And why the hell didn't you pick up the phone? I needed someone to talk to, too. When all of my close family and every single friend I'd ever had told me to take a hike because I wouldn't go along with the narrative, I was scared, lonely, bewildered, angry, and so fucking confused. I needed someone who felt like I did. I didn't want to be the only one. And you seem to have been in the same boat with me. WHY didn't you reach out? Yeah, I should have tried to reach out to you, too. But I foolishly thought you'd be like everyone else that had turned their back on me.
I think of the police that had to respond to that fucking mess. I think about the family who bought your house where 4 people died. I think about the clean up crew that had to pick up 4 dead bodies, 2 of them children, and how the hell did they clean up the blood? The brains? I think about the detectives, the investigators, the photographers, and everyone who had to see the dead bodies of two young children. What. What the fuck were you thinking?
HOW could you have done that to your children? Exactly how do you look into the eyes of your two children, who were both under 10, and blow them away with a shotgun? How?? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I can't forgive you killing your family. You want to off yourself, go for it. But you don't take others with you. Your kids DID NOT deserve that - did you ever even once think about how terrified they had to have been? Their last memory on this planet was their father pointing a fucking shotgun at them! I can't. I just can't begin to understand. That was so cruel, inhumane, and fucked up beyond belief.
The worst part of the funeral was seeing the little tiny box that contained the ashes of your two children, whose ashes they put together so they could be together forever in the ground. That is so. fucked. up. I can't get the image of that little box out of my soul.
Maybe I'll get the same feeling you had during my last moments before I ctb by shotgun. Maybe I'll get where your head was at the time you ctb, but I will NEVER understand why you took innocent lives. I don't know anyone who COULD understand why you did that.
I will tell you this: NO ONE goes with me when I go. No fucking way. Not a chance in hell.
... Which, speaking of.... if there is one, I guess I'll see you there and maybe then you will explain yourself.
- L
