Cássius
Member
- Apr 5, 2023
- 12
I don't know how to deal with people leaving my life. The problem is that this is "part of life," but that doesn't change the fact that I struggle with this idea every day. I suffer from the thought that one day everyone will leave my life, everyone I care about (which isn't many).
People usually respond by saying, "Oh, you'll meet new people," but day after day, it's become increasingly difficult to connect with new people. All my life, I've looked for people who seem even slightly different from what I see every day. Most people, to me, seem to act the same way—they post the same kind of things, they even dress similarly. Sometimes it feels like I'm seeing the same people in different bodies.
Currently, I only regularly talk to two of my friends. The others simply don't talk to me anymore; they've basically disappeared. And this morning, one of the friends I talk to frequently moved to another city. Yesterday, I went to his birthday party, and it was probably the last time I'll see him in person.
You might think, since I mostly talk to him online and rarely in person, that it's not a big deal. But the question is, for how long? How long until he disappears like the others? Until he has some kind of phone issue and changes his number? Deep down, we all know that the phrase "don't worry, I'll always be here for you" is nothing more than a lying trap.
"Oh, you have a family, they care about you."
I swear, one of the things I wish I had was that attachment to family that people talk about: "Oh, I love my mom, I love my dad, they're everything to me, and I'd do anything for them." But I don't have that. Both my mom (who doesn't live with me) and my dad feel like mere acquaintances. I heard my dad say he wishes he could connect with me (he didn't say it to me, but I overheard it), but I just can't.
My family also has the problem that most people have—they insist on defining things as a simple matter of black or white. You have a problem? Just solve it! You have a barrier? Just break it down, as if it were a simple issue. People seem unable to see things on a deeper level, but I don't blame them. They have their own problems to deal with, and like it or not, they'd never be able to understand. And even if they did, what would they do? I don't think words can save me in any way. They don't change how I feel. The only thing that could save me is some kind of miracle or divine intervention, but obviously, none of that exists. Otherwise, my pleas would have been heard, and I would have died in my sleep. But no, I go to sleep crying and wake up crying.
I've become increasingly afraid of dying alone. I know it's happening. I know everything is falling apart, and I think, contrary to what I believe, it's not the people—it's me. There's something very wrong with me. There's a monster, a demon inside me that's devouring me, and I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how much longer I can fight all of this. When you fight for too long, eventually you get tired, and that's why we lose.
I wish for death, but I'm also afraid of dying.
I know nothing awaits me on the other side, and I'd simply cease to exist, and that scares me. But I'm also afraid of being alone. All these worlds of contradictions hurt me. I know it's all part of life. I know it's part of life for people to drift away, but that's what bothers me. I don't know what to do anymore. I've become more reclusive, and I'm afraid of my future. I deeply curse the day I understood the nature of things.
I've been on medication, but there are still issues to resolve, and the psychologist—the only one available—is terrible. She doesn't care about what I'm going through and thinks medication will magically solve my problems.
I have a hard time connecting with most people and interacting with them, especially with my family. Sometimes I feel lonely and fear that, deep down, the people I care about don't care about me. I'm afraid of dying alone or being abandoned. I've been struggling with self-harm again because I believe it's my way of coping with what I feel. Every problem that happens in my life is enough to make me paranoid and dwell on past issues.
My self-esteem is also a problem. I hate my body and my appearance to the point of wishing I had been born with a different body and avoiding looking in the mirror.
Romantic relationships have never happened for me. I feel like it's because of something inherently wrong with me, though I don't know what it is. I think it might be my personality or my appearance.
I tried to commit suicide a few months ago, which is why I'm on medication.
My conflicts have become more extensive, and I find it hard to find meaning in my life.
Honestly, I don't see a clear reason to keep going. Why make a lot of money and live a completely lonely life, going from home to work and work to home?
Everyone I've ever cared about has left in one way or another, and the friends I have now don't care, or at least seem not to.
So why keep trying if there's no reason to continue, no reason to wake up every morning and do what needs to be done?
There's something that prevents me from forming genuine bonds with most people. However, this isn't due to a sense of superiority but rather a difficulty in feeling something for them or finding something that makes it worthwhile. I also struggle to feel comfortable enough to share my interests with someone.
In any case, there's an emotional block that keeps me from getting close to most people, and I fear this block will inevitably lead me to loneliness.
Stuck in this limbo of blocks and lack of purpose, I turn to fleeting escapism, trying to ignore the presence of these problems.
I can't stand my own appearance. I've often wished I had a different body and face. Sometimes, just looking in the mirror is enough to ruin my day.
I blame my appearance, introversion, and personality as the main reasons I've never been in a serious relationship. I don't care about sex itself; I've always sought something genuine and real, someone to share life with. However, I've never found that, and I've come to the conclusion that I never will.
When I do manage to form a bond with someone, I cling to them as if they were the most precious thing in the universe, doing absolutely everything for them. But then I start thinking that it will all end someday, and I become paranoid about losing them.
I have a big problem with focus and attention. I get distracted very easily, and anything can take my attention away. I have a hard time staying focused on a task.
People usually respond by saying, "Oh, you'll meet new people," but day after day, it's become increasingly difficult to connect with new people. All my life, I've looked for people who seem even slightly different from what I see every day. Most people, to me, seem to act the same way—they post the same kind of things, they even dress similarly. Sometimes it feels like I'm seeing the same people in different bodies.
Currently, I only regularly talk to two of my friends. The others simply don't talk to me anymore; they've basically disappeared. And this morning, one of the friends I talk to frequently moved to another city. Yesterday, I went to his birthday party, and it was probably the last time I'll see him in person.
You might think, since I mostly talk to him online and rarely in person, that it's not a big deal. But the question is, for how long? How long until he disappears like the others? Until he has some kind of phone issue and changes his number? Deep down, we all know that the phrase "don't worry, I'll always be here for you" is nothing more than a lying trap.
"Oh, you have a family, they care about you."
I swear, one of the things I wish I had was that attachment to family that people talk about: "Oh, I love my mom, I love my dad, they're everything to me, and I'd do anything for them." But I don't have that. Both my mom (who doesn't live with me) and my dad feel like mere acquaintances. I heard my dad say he wishes he could connect with me (he didn't say it to me, but I overheard it), but I just can't.
My family also has the problem that most people have—they insist on defining things as a simple matter of black or white. You have a problem? Just solve it! You have a barrier? Just break it down, as if it were a simple issue. People seem unable to see things on a deeper level, but I don't blame them. They have their own problems to deal with, and like it or not, they'd never be able to understand. And even if they did, what would they do? I don't think words can save me in any way. They don't change how I feel. The only thing that could save me is some kind of miracle or divine intervention, but obviously, none of that exists. Otherwise, my pleas would have been heard, and I would have died in my sleep. But no, I go to sleep crying and wake up crying.
I've become increasingly afraid of dying alone. I know it's happening. I know everything is falling apart, and I think, contrary to what I believe, it's not the people—it's me. There's something very wrong with me. There's a monster, a demon inside me that's devouring me, and I just can't take it anymore. I don't know how much longer I can fight all of this. When you fight for too long, eventually you get tired, and that's why we lose.
I wish for death, but I'm also afraid of dying.
I know nothing awaits me on the other side, and I'd simply cease to exist, and that scares me. But I'm also afraid of being alone. All these worlds of contradictions hurt me. I know it's all part of life. I know it's part of life for people to drift away, but that's what bothers me. I don't know what to do anymore. I've become more reclusive, and I'm afraid of my future. I deeply curse the day I understood the nature of things.
I've been on medication, but there are still issues to resolve, and the psychologist—the only one available—is terrible. She doesn't care about what I'm going through and thinks medication will magically solve my problems.
I have a hard time connecting with most people and interacting with them, especially with my family. Sometimes I feel lonely and fear that, deep down, the people I care about don't care about me. I'm afraid of dying alone or being abandoned. I've been struggling with self-harm again because I believe it's my way of coping with what I feel. Every problem that happens in my life is enough to make me paranoid and dwell on past issues.
My self-esteem is also a problem. I hate my body and my appearance to the point of wishing I had been born with a different body and avoiding looking in the mirror.
Romantic relationships have never happened for me. I feel like it's because of something inherently wrong with me, though I don't know what it is. I think it might be my personality or my appearance.
I tried to commit suicide a few months ago, which is why I'm on medication.
My conflicts have become more extensive, and I find it hard to find meaning in my life.
Honestly, I don't see a clear reason to keep going. Why make a lot of money and live a completely lonely life, going from home to work and work to home?
Everyone I've ever cared about has left in one way or another, and the friends I have now don't care, or at least seem not to.
So why keep trying if there's no reason to continue, no reason to wake up every morning and do what needs to be done?
There's something that prevents me from forming genuine bonds with most people. However, this isn't due to a sense of superiority but rather a difficulty in feeling something for them or finding something that makes it worthwhile. I also struggle to feel comfortable enough to share my interests with someone.
In any case, there's an emotional block that keeps me from getting close to most people, and I fear this block will inevitably lead me to loneliness.
Stuck in this limbo of blocks and lack of purpose, I turn to fleeting escapism, trying to ignore the presence of these problems.
I can't stand my own appearance. I've often wished I had a different body and face. Sometimes, just looking in the mirror is enough to ruin my day.
I blame my appearance, introversion, and personality as the main reasons I've never been in a serious relationship. I don't care about sex itself; I've always sought something genuine and real, someone to share life with. However, I've never found that, and I've come to the conclusion that I never will.
When I do manage to form a bond with someone, I cling to them as if they were the most precious thing in the universe, doing absolutely everything for them. But then I start thinking that it will all end someday, and I become paranoid about losing them.
I have a big problem with focus and attention. I get distracted very easily, and anything can take my attention away. I have a hard time staying focused on a task.
