ValkyrieCain
Drifting away
- Dec 18, 2024
- 22
I got myself pissed off, my head in racks
raking my thoughts trying understand my psyche oh lord I already lost myself long ago
I'm foreign to myself, foreign to this body , thoughts feeling like they implanted are they really mine .
Cant say these thoughts are mine , are they really I don't know,
I dont even know myself anymore at this point.
Mood be fluctuating randomly , personalities and feelings be changing like a seesaw in motion.
Who the fuck am I, why do I think they way I think act they way I act.
Why am I so narrowed minded, am I really this mentally weak that I've falling into a point where I use my feelings as a backbone to seek sympathy from others ? I remember the first time I ever felt depressed, I was 15 in high school, when I felt those feelings a part of me didn't eat to accept it, I disregarded it as a weakness till I spiraled down into a hole, I kept my feelings met from everyone close to me ; friends, family , everyone apart from one doctor , I did things to distract myself from it. I never dwelt in them ; or it could've just been the meds that helped me carry on with life, while setting up a wall between my depression and anxiety.
Fast forward till today, I wear it on a sleeve, my doctors know, crisis workers know, some church friends know, my entire family knows I've lost it long ago, cant really care thou , I aint in contact with them no more.
Now its just me; me and my feelings, feelings Ihave no control over ; thinking patterns that I cant break, thoughts that I can't repress. I really lost all sense of myself over the past few months. Im just a shell, a shell of a personality.
I don't even know what I want or what I wanna do in life.
People say; just build a routine , hit the gym workout, eat healthy, study etc; well let me break it to you; I've been doing that since I was 15 consistently; gaming 6 days a week, played basketball, football and did track and field; yet no amount of running was enough to outrun the spirit of depression that slowly enveloped me completely; that broke me down paired with anxiety.
I believed I was stronger than my mental illness, well look, now they own me, they define me , they are me ironic. Something I saw as a weakness that I kept hidden has now become something that hides the true me even from myself .
This post is just a rant tbh, I type random stuff, stuff that just come to my head I find it quite easy to channel. My thoughts when I type.
Its ironic how im still here even when I told myself around two weeks ago id jump of the bridge, I walked down fort road bridge , the entire length of it; it was cold, I looked over the edge while listening to music. I couldn't bring myself to do it; there was something holding me back, unanswered questions; the what ifs
What if I survive?
What if I survive and get put in a vegetative state?
What if I die and end up in .. hell ?
Is there really an afterlife ?
Would I go to hell if I die ?
I spent over an hour contemplating on the bridge, even the worker came t check on me, I lied that everything was fine , they went their way and called the police , the police did a check on me, I told them I was just walking and enjoying the view; they left.
35 minutes later I sat on the railing of the bridge, dropped my slippers inside; all it will take would be a single push and ill be in the depths of the sea just a single push. Even the railings were shaky from the cars riding by yet I still sat on the railings I didn't make the jump; the police came during this time , they stood at a distance away trynna convince me to get off, I didn't hear the; my AirPods were on max volume at the time, they couldn't approach me due to the potential of them accidentally pushing me over.
I sat there for over 20 minutes ; why didn't Iy6 jump , I thought it was wanted to end it all didn't I but one question lingered in my head the strongest sense of SI I blame myself for this ; if I jump and die ill end up in hell …
I wasn't religious all my life, but I surely did become religious after I went on a manic episode that lasted for over a few months, I thought I was chosen by god, thought the world was ending in a couple of months ,I went down a religious spiral, to the point of condemning those around me that didn't believe and separating myself from the non believers ironic how all this happened in the span of two months during my manic high that happened last year may/June.
Now here I am; a different mental state having abandoned all form of faith, no prayers, nothing.
I ask myself am I just a sympathy seeker; why am I telling people about how I feel, my metal state , why am I being all open about it now , something that I kept hidden mostly my life, but now Im letting it spill out….now I wear it as a backbone , I wish it was something easy to just shake off, I wish I could think how I want to. Think feel how I want to feel but I cant; how I feel at this point it aint even up to me.
Been on and off my. meds like crazy; Sometimes I myself just stop taking them thinking that I can do without them thinking Im better that I don't need them any more, a trap I fell into many times.
Sometimes I overdose on them hopping they'll take my life but here I am today
At a point I believe that prayers would cure me, religion would help and medication is just witchcraft; the work of the devils and evil spirits. so I stop taking them and resort to other things.
When I stop taking the, it be instantly no tapper, this is a method that has consistently triggered manic episodes for me , manic episodes that make me feel alive for a few days , I like the effects. Then I end up with shitttty symptoms like brain zaps , loosing balance, ears rings , irritability, heart palpations feeling like im bout to have a heart attack.
At one time I tried tapering off , butl ooks like the medication Wass my backbone at that point, helping me carrying on with life and without them im just lost to whatever wave of emotions that washes me down.
Its irritating, doctor has placed my medication on a weekly dispensal due to my overdose attempts so now I have to collect them weekly, another chore.. just great.
Have a meeting with my psychiatrist b=at the end of this month. Looking to change my meds put me on a different treatment cause my current meds aint doing jackshit no more for me. mirtazapine useless. venlafaxine; when I started that snri again I couldn't even leave my bed , I was feeling drained daily , all I did was sleep on them.
raking my thoughts trying understand my psyche oh lord I already lost myself long ago
I'm foreign to myself, foreign to this body , thoughts feeling like they implanted are they really mine .
Cant say these thoughts are mine , are they really I don't know,
I dont even know myself anymore at this point.
Mood be fluctuating randomly , personalities and feelings be changing like a seesaw in motion.
Who the fuck am I, why do I think they way I think act they way I act.
Why am I so narrowed minded, am I really this mentally weak that I've falling into a point where I use my feelings as a backbone to seek sympathy from others ? I remember the first time I ever felt depressed, I was 15 in high school, when I felt those feelings a part of me didn't eat to accept it, I disregarded it as a weakness till I spiraled down into a hole, I kept my feelings met from everyone close to me ; friends, family , everyone apart from one doctor , I did things to distract myself from it. I never dwelt in them ; or it could've just been the meds that helped me carry on with life, while setting up a wall between my depression and anxiety.
Fast forward till today, I wear it on a sleeve, my doctors know, crisis workers know, some church friends know, my entire family knows I've lost it long ago, cant really care thou , I aint in contact with them no more.
Now its just me; me and my feelings, feelings Ihave no control over ; thinking patterns that I cant break, thoughts that I can't repress. I really lost all sense of myself over the past few months. Im just a shell, a shell of a personality.
I don't even know what I want or what I wanna do in life.
People say; just build a routine , hit the gym workout, eat healthy, study etc; well let me break it to you; I've been doing that since I was 15 consistently; gaming 6 days a week, played basketball, football and did track and field; yet no amount of running was enough to outrun the spirit of depression that slowly enveloped me completely; that broke me down paired with anxiety.
I believed I was stronger than my mental illness, well look, now they own me, they define me , they are me ironic. Something I saw as a weakness that I kept hidden has now become something that hides the true me even from myself .
This post is just a rant tbh, I type random stuff, stuff that just come to my head I find it quite easy to channel. My thoughts when I type.
Its ironic how im still here even when I told myself around two weeks ago id jump of the bridge, I walked down fort road bridge , the entire length of it; it was cold, I looked over the edge while listening to music. I couldn't bring myself to do it; there was something holding me back, unanswered questions; the what ifs
What if I survive?
What if I survive and get put in a vegetative state?
What if I die and end up in .. hell ?
Is there really an afterlife ?
Would I go to hell if I die ?
I spent over an hour contemplating on the bridge, even the worker came t check on me, I lied that everything was fine , they went their way and called the police , the police did a check on me, I told them I was just walking and enjoying the view; they left.
35 minutes later I sat on the railing of the bridge, dropped my slippers inside; all it will take would be a single push and ill be in the depths of the sea just a single push. Even the railings were shaky from the cars riding by yet I still sat on the railings I didn't make the jump; the police came during this time , they stood at a distance away trynna convince me to get off, I didn't hear the; my AirPods were on max volume at the time, they couldn't approach me due to the potential of them accidentally pushing me over.
I sat there for over 20 minutes ; why didn't Iy6 jump , I thought it was wanted to end it all didn't I but one question lingered in my head the strongest sense of SI I blame myself for this ; if I jump and die ill end up in hell …
I wasn't religious all my life, but I surely did become religious after I went on a manic episode that lasted for over a few months, I thought I was chosen by god, thought the world was ending in a couple of months ,I went down a religious spiral, to the point of condemning those around me that didn't believe and separating myself from the non believers ironic how all this happened in the span of two months during my manic high that happened last year may/June.
Now here I am; a different mental state having abandoned all form of faith, no prayers, nothing.
I ask myself am I just a sympathy seeker; why am I telling people about how I feel, my metal state , why am I being all open about it now , something that I kept hidden mostly my life, but now Im letting it spill out….now I wear it as a backbone , I wish it was something easy to just shake off, I wish I could think how I want to. Think feel how I want to feel but I cant; how I feel at this point it aint even up to me.
Been on and off my. meds like crazy; Sometimes I myself just stop taking them thinking that I can do without them thinking Im better that I don't need them any more, a trap I fell into many times.
Sometimes I overdose on them hopping they'll take my life but here I am today
At a point I believe that prayers would cure me, religion would help and medication is just witchcraft; the work of the devils and evil spirits. so I stop taking them and resort to other things.
When I stop taking the, it be instantly no tapper, this is a method that has consistently triggered manic episodes for me , manic episodes that make me feel alive for a few days , I like the effects. Then I end up with shitttty symptoms like brain zaps , loosing balance, ears rings , irritability, heart palpations feeling like im bout to have a heart attack.
At one time I tried tapering off , butl ooks like the medication Wass my backbone at that point, helping me carrying on with life and without them im just lost to whatever wave of emotions that washes me down.
Its irritating, doctor has placed my medication on a weekly dispensal due to my overdose attempts so now I have to collect them weekly, another chore.. just great.
Have a meeting with my psychiatrist b=at the end of this month. Looking to change my meds put me on a different treatment cause my current meds aint doing jackshit no more for me. mirtazapine useless. venlafaxine; when I started that snri again I couldn't even leave my bed , I was feeling drained daily , all I did was sleep on them.
