Venting Life truly didn't get better.

[BirdWithoutWings]

This is just a personal vent about my life, apologies if that isn't allowed. I don't have anybody in my life, so I'm just here to scream into the void until I'm finally ready.

I've grown up always knowing that I wasn't going to make it too far. Classic sob story, born to an abusive single mother then placed with my grandmother where one of her sons proceeded to sexually abuse me until I sent him to jail (which resulted in me being exiled from the family. My CFS cheques were used so he could eat lavishly in prison+have a TV and other fun amenities in his cell while we had no food or water.) My first attempt that resulted in requiring hospitalization happened when I was 13. Tylenol overdose, obviously not successful. I just had consistent bad luck growing up. Around the age of 18 things temporarily looked up for me. I went from failing every class k-11, to being able to grind out all my credits within a year and a half. Sadly, I couldn't graduate with my class as a single credit wasn't "processed" properly resulting in me not qualifying to do anything with my class. That was a pretty major hit as I was the first person who was going to be graduating from my biological family, with decent grades on top of that, and yet, I couldn't walk or attend any of the festivities. All good.

I got accepted in university against all odds. I inherited money due to my mothers suicide and biological grandmother and great grandmother passing, so I proceeded to use that in the hopes of bettering my life. I moved out from my grandmothers home where I was consistently treated poorly, belittled, and having my belongings stolen and destroyed (the uncle who abused me had a daughter with a random white trash whore in the hopes of being able to skip prison time. The entire family tried to guilt me into not testifying due to her being born. When he was sent to prison, her white trash mother wanted to party all the time so that child was ALWAYS home with us.) I got a partner. I finally had motivation for some sort of future. I tried to study social work in the hopes of using my life experience to help others, but I was told by a professor I should drop out due to not being proficient enough in the language (french). So i did just that. I then attempted fine arts, as all I wanted was to accomplish something besides the absolute bare minimum. I did well in my studies, won scholarships and bursaries from my portfolio, I got a government position. I was delusional enough to think that things would actually work out for me, that was my first mistake. I lost funding for school due to my funding being reassessed (and never actually.. reassessed..) I also had to deal with my uncle coming out of prison. On top of all of this, I was stressing over a relationship it turned out the other party was never even interested in. The only thing that was keeping me going through all the other stressors in my life was the fact that I had somebody in my life I could share everything with and they loved me no matter what. It turned out I was mistaken. I spent hundreds in gifts for this man for every holiday, he couldn't remember my birthday and wouldn't get me anything for any other holiday. One year he lied to me and told me my birthday gift was in the mail, it never came. It turned out he never ordered it and lied due to "not knowing what to do." After half a decade of sleeping with this man exclusively, and 3 years of dating (in which he never ONCE allowed me to meet his family, or anybody in his life. His family assumed he was gay and sneaking out to see a man when he was coming out to see me once a week.) Oh yeah, he would only come and see me once a week. Usually long enough to get what he wanted from me, then he was out. Never once went out on a date. He asked me out, telling me he was going to teach me about relationships.. Yeah right..
We would only communicate via Discord as he always had excuses as to why he couldn't come see me (unless convenient for him), eventually he stopped putting effort into responding to my messages. If I wouldn't start the conversation, he would go week(s) without contacting me. Yet he would accuse me of cheating on him. While he was going to other women's places and hanging out with them. I eventually cut off the relationship as I was losing my mind over how one sided it was, and he proceeded to lie to me for MONTHS about how our relationship went, before admitting that he was never "invested" but he definitely wasn't doing it just to sleep with me. We proceeded to be FWB for a solid year after that, as I had nobody else in my life. My family, no friends, no nothing. Nothing changed obviously, but I for some reason thought maybe something would change.

I'm now 24 and I've got absolutely nothing going for me. I only make enough to cover my rent, no utilities, no groceries, nothing else. I don't have a completed postsecondary education, so I'm not even considered as an option for employment. I don't have looks, I don't have intellect, I don't have anything. I don't know what prompted me to even consider getting this far in life, as I always knew I was NEVER going to succeed in a relationship, in education, or in th e workforce. I was frankly just set up to fail, and I should have accepted it. I now have so much more BS I have to deal with than I did back then. I wish I had succeeded when I was 13.

The bright side is my ex's birthday is soon, and that's when my last cheque should be coming in which is less than what my rent is. I think I'll have enough fuel to be able to CTB on his birthday. My mindset is he ruined every single birthday that I had a chance of actually being able to celebrate, so he deserves to have one ruined. I haven't quite decided if I want to write out letters to people, or just make a few videos and have those scheduled to be posted+sent the day after. To be fair though, I'm not even sure who I'd leave message(s) to as I don't have anyone in my life who'd care enough about it. I'd likely just make a video stating that I can be used for science, my belongings given to a handful of people who were alright to me or donated somewhere, and if my body isn't viable to be used for anything, then they can just mass cremate me and throw me out.

Apologies for the long winded rant, I know it's incredibly self-centered. I hope anyone who see's this has a good day, and apologies again.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

I'll just post little vent updates here as to not shit up the forum with multiple topics of my self pitying.

I didn't end up doing it on my ex's birthday. An old friend invited me to a concert on the 10th so I'll likely wait until then at least. Since my last post, my landlord threatened to evict me due to lack of cleanliness (my place was clean. LOL), my pc stopped working (nothing has worked so far to fix it, so yay?), due to the PC, I lost my work for a contract I have to get done by september. So overall, feeling like I'm getting curbstomped while I'm already down.

Latest rant

I have a singular family member that I'm close to, being a second uncle. He pitched that we go visit my mothers grave which is a 3h straight drive there. Additional context, my mother was adopted, my bio grandmother was, her siblings, her parents, etc. This grave has 3 of my biological family members buried in it, my mom, grandmother, and great uncle. I obviously said yes as it's been two years since I've been able to visit, and my grandma decides to join too. Cool! She then decides to invite the child of the uncle who I sent to prison (who is 7 maybe?) to join us on this SEVEN HOUR TOTAL TRIP not counting the time spent at the grave, then local landmarks. This child blasts youtube on her phone (which she has had since she was 3) and whines about when her mother is coming to get her every few minutes, in what fucking world would I or ANYBODY else want to deal with that?? Not only that, but she does not know nor is related to anyone buried there. This gravesite, this town, everything about this trip is specifically related to MY biological family. I ended up telling them I won't be going, and to have fun visiting MY biological families grave(s) with her, as that's exactly what they are doing.

Bright side is at least I have more fuel to CTB as if the family who raised me are going to be that inconsiderate of me, it's at least a pretty good indication that my departure wouldn't cause too many issues. I'll simply just be forgotten, as was my mother.

Another bright side is that my family has no pictures of me anymore (my photos were considered "clutter" so we had to get rid of them when my grandma moved haha.) and there's no photos of me from grade 7-12. So if I start nuking my selfies and social media, it will be a lot easier for me to be completely forgotten, as once I'm gone, there will be no current photos of me to remember me by. I was able to start shredding my finearts portfolio as I don't want to be remembered AT all not even my work. There is apparently a prof or two who uses my work in their ruberik as examples of A+'s, but thankfully those will likely eventually get replaced with even better works. And even if not, thankfully I know that nobody remembers me or my work so it'll essentially just be anonymous photos if I really think about it. There's a lot of things I need to start getting rid of. I always told myself I'd give my partner of my friends my belongings, but as I've got nobody, I think I'll just try to find local people in need and give them what I can. There's some things I might be able to sell, so I might sell those items and then see if there's a local charity I could donate the funds to, as they'd likely benefit more from them than I ever would.

If anybody sees this, I hope the week has treated you well. Have a good one.

 

[CatLvr]

Bless your heart. How are you feeling today?? That is a LOT to deal with.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

Bless your heart. How are you feeling today?? That is a LOT to deal with.

Thank you for your interaction with my post(s), I genuinely appreciate it. I didn't realize anyone would actually bother to read any of it haha.

Today could have been worse, that's one way of looking at it. I had an old friend that said she wanted to hang today, but she proceeded to push the time back 3 separate times today and then totally ghosted. So it's safe to assume that it ain't happening, as it's already nearly the evening. Oh well! Probably gonna head out and smoke a couple more times this evening, work on a little pokemon illustration I've got in progress, and then benzo out for the day. The one positive I've got at this time is that I have cigs, so I'll take that small win haha.

Hope you're doing well, and thank you again. I hope you have an incredible week, despite being on this forum.

 

[mrnamoshi]

yeah, life just go down hill all the way

 

[CatLvr]

Thank you for your interaction with my post(s), I genuinely appreciate it. I didn't realize anyone would actually bother to read any of it haha.

Today could have been worse, that's one way of looking at it. I had an old friend that said she wanted to hang today, but she proceeded to push the time back 3 separate times today and then totally ghosted. So it's safe to assume that it ain't happening, as it's already nearly the evening. Oh well! Probably gonna head out and smoke a couple more times this evening, work on a little pokemon illustration I've got in progress, and then benzo out for the day. The one positive I've got at this time is that I have cigs, so I'll take that small win haha.

Hope you're doing well, and thank you again. I hope you have an incredible week, despite being on this forum.

Oh, my pleasure!! I know us Boomers have a bad reputation for being unsympathetic to you kids' plight in life but I cannot even comprehend some of the things I have seen and heard y'all having to go through. I have worked with kids who were sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other friends (yes, 2 kids in each bedroom and 2 in the living room) and they ALL were working 2 jobs and going to school.

These kids were NOT party animals. In fact, they would all describe themselves much like you described yourself. Slightly nerdy, trying hard and completely worn out. My heart truly breaks for you guys. Life is SO much harder now than it was when l was coming up. I have no idea why some old folks can't see that.

A lot of them talked about just going to sleep and never waking up. That was as close as they ever got to admitting they were almost at the end of their rope and we would talk about it a lot between customers and doing all the shit corporate retail America expected.

Anyway, I didn't live a charmed life (single mom, no child support or help from dad, no helo from my fam or his, it was just me and the kids) but I was still able to make it with 2 jobs. I was wore out ALL the time BUT ... I didn't have to have roommates in order to make ends meet. I didn't have to have first and last month's rent, a security deposit and deposits for all the utilities in order to move into a nice apartment, in a good school district, where me and my kids were safe.

I never had to worry about anyone coming into my workplace and shooting the place up. I never had to worry about my kids getting killed at school. Hell, when I was in high school we had shotguns in racks on the back window of our pick-up trucks -- that we left unlocked -- so we could go quail or dove hunting after school.

I could go on but you get my point. Life now is VERY different and to be honest I am amazed at the resilience you guys have. You have every reason to feel the way you do. And any time I can lend an ear, or help any of y'all kiddos thru a rough patch I am honored to do so.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

Oh, my pleasure!! I know us Boomers have a bad reputation for being unsympathetic to you kids' plight in life but I cannot even comprehend some of the things I have seen and heard y'all having to go through. I have worked with kids who were sharing a 2 bedroom apartment with 5 other friends (yes, 2 kids in each bedroom and 2 in the living room) and they ALL were working 2 jobs and going to school.

These kids were NOT party animals. In fact, they would all describe themselves much like you described yourself. Slightly nerdy, trying hard and completely worn out. My heart truly breaks for you guys. Life is SO much harder now than it was when l was coming up. I have no idea why some old folks can't see that.

A lot of them talked about just going to sleep and never waking up. That was as close as they ever got to admitting they were almost at the end of their rope and we would talk about it a lot between customers and doing all the shit corporate retail America expected.

Anyway, I didn't live a charmed life (single mom, no child support or help from dad, no helo from my fam or his, it was just me and the kids) but I was still able to make it with 2 jobs. I was wore out ALL the time BUT ... I didn't have to have roommates in order to make ends meet. I didn't have to have first and last month's rent, a security deposit and deposits for all the utilities in order to move into a nice apartment, in a good school district, where me and my kids were safe.

I never had to worry about anyone coming into my workplace and shooting the place up. I never had to worry about my kids getting killed at school. Hell, when I was in high school we had shotguns in racks on the back window of our pick-up trucks -- that we left unlocked -- so we could go quail or dove hunting after school.

I could go on but you get my point. Life now is VERY different and to be honest I am amazed at the resilience you guys have. You have every reason to feel the way you do. And any time I can lend an ear, or help any of y'all kiddos thru a rough patch I am honored to do so.

Psht, I grew up around a load of boomers and I've never neccesarily gotten that vibe from 'em thankfully haha. It's just a couple sour apples that's making the whole orchid look bad for others. That group of five sounds like such an exasperating situation for them to have been in, I hope their lives improved significantly since then as I personally would NOT be able to do all of that. I'll agree that the resilience nowadays is frankly impressive, though the origins of that obviously less desirable.

The single mother life is a tough one, I'm sorry that that man never stepped forward once to at least help out monentarily. I'll never understand people who procreate (even if by accident) and then proceed to abandon the child due to differences in the relationship. Once it's done, it's a commitment. Step up and pay, man. I'm so sorry you and your mother had to go through that. I hope it's something you never took to heart, as I know some people tend to struggle with that. It's seriously impressive that you were able to maintain dual employment to keep yourself out of the hole for so long. I did it for two years, and I think it removed a solid 10 years from my lifespan. It's also incredibly commendable that you went through all of that effort just to ensure that your children would have a better life. You seem to be a great person, and I hope that life treats you and your family well. It's sad to see such compassionate people on a forum like this while bad people get to live their days without remorse. I've noticed that a LOT of the individuals in this community seem to be intelligent and have levels of empathy that surpass the people I encounter in my day to day life. Though I suppose being hyperaware of the world would contribute to one gravitating towards this forum haha.


I'm going to add a little update for the day in this post as I don't want to double post since most forums have rules against that.

Day wasn't too bad, though I was indeed correct in assuming that my old friend would not be coming to hang out yesterday. Family worked things out and the kid won't be going to the trip tomorrow so I'm back in. I was going to charge my camera batteries so I could do some wildlife photography out there, but I've pretty much lost all motivation for photography as I have a backlog of wedding photos I still need to work on. (1.7k photos for free for a family member. I was lied to to get me to do the gig, and then they proceeded to not pay me while making me do triple the work+200$ out of pocket costs for me for SD card and an extra battery.) I don't have headphones so I can't doom listen to music on the trip, so I suppose I'll just suffer haha. My current plan for the "future" is to CTB once I get back to my lowest weight I got to, 84 (that was only in april/may lol.. I was forced to gain to avoid being sanctioned in an eating disorder unit.) I was somewhat attractive when I was that low, and I'd like to die pretty as I was hideous until 23-24 . If I die pretty, at least I can pretend in my mind that I'll be so forever. So far I'm at 116.5? from 136 within about 2 weeks so I'll take it.

Bright side for today, the Pokemon illustration is turning out somewhat cute so far.

I'll post some of the WIP's in my rants as I don't particularly care if it were to be connected to me. Clefable has been carrying my ass hard in Unite so I decided I had to draw her clutchin' up in her outfit i got a while back LOL. Drawing this on my phone with S pen because my pc still ain't working despite multiple attempts at replacing parts. Working on this has been great as I lose track of time, so I end up not needing to eat much if at all in a day. Great for getting back to my lowest weight, while at the same time preserving the minimal food I've got left. I might post some of my cooking abominations in this thread along with my rants as I REALLY try to fancy up severely expired products (and frankly they turn out pretty alright haha.) Next post I'll have to post my expired canned chicken i turned into star tendies and covered in panko and spices to attempt to salvage (was delicious).

Hope anyone who see's this has had a good start to their week so far.

 

[Ironborn]

No need to apologise for venting, folk here will always hear you out.
Welcome to the site, only been here a few months myself but I've found everyone here to be very welcoming.
So no matter how long you are here, you're in good company.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

I guess vents are going to be daily because GODDAMN.

My landlord is still harassing me in regards to the cleanliness of my apartment. He emailed me 1 hour into my trip causing me to have a nonestop panic attack until i got home 7 hours later. His complaint? My cats litterbox, that i clean out twice a day and disinfect in my tub once a week (and then sanitizing the tub).
As a result I've decided I'll be filing a human rights complaint to them, ratting them out to the city (they owe hundreds in fines for not repairing massive holes in the foundation that rodents come into the building from.), and then the tenancy branch as I might as well get a refund of all of my rent from it. Thankfully 5 past tenants in the building are willing to go through with it along with me to ensure it's actually investigated as holy fuck. These people have accused me of flushing cat litter down ANOTHER TENANTS DRAIN and threatening to fine me THOUSANDS (they never even repaired it so it must not have been that bad, assholes.) Punching? a massive 5 foot by 5 foot hole in the wall (it was incomplete work from years ago from a contractor they didn't pay to finish the job. Resulting in a MASSIVE rodent infestation in my bedroom as the hole led DIRECTLY OUTSIDE., spawning rodents in my apartment like some sort of minecraft spawner? (prior point explaining why it was happening), and now apparently being so dirty that I apparently need near daily emails and visits to my place as if I'm not cleaning everything daily.

So out of spite, I'm definitely making sure to completely and utterly destroy my unit and this mans property (not harming the other tenants places haha) when I CTB. It was initially going to be a benzo+hanging+exit bag trio, but I want to ensure that I not only decrease the property value, but also traumatize the ever living fuck out of them. The day of, I'll probably buy a couple packs of cancer sticks and chainsmoke 'em all day in my unit Absolutely anything and everything I can think of I will do to ensure that these guys have the most horrific remainder of their existences.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

Yeah, that title says it all. I was always told by everyone it will get better, that I'm from a good family and a good person and only good things can happen to me and all such bullshit. Fuck this. If I could choose again I would probably kill myself at age 16, thats when life really started to be shit almost every day and continuing until today.

 

[CatLvr]

Psht, I grew up around a load of boomers and I've never neccesarily gotten that vibe from 'em thankfully haha. It's just a couple sour apples that's making the whole orchid look bad for others. That group of five sounds like such an exasperating situation for them to have been in, I hope their lives improved significantly since then as I personally would NOT be able to do all of that. I'll agree that the resilience nowadays is frankly impressive, though the origins of that obviously less desirable.

The single mother life is a tough one, I'm sorry that that man never stepped forward once to at least help out monentarily. I'll never understand people who procreate (even if by accident) and then proceed to abandon the child due to differences in the relationship. Once it's done, it's a commitment. Step up and pay, man. I'm so sorry you and your mother had to go through that. I hope it's something you never took to heart, as I know some people tend to struggle with that. It's seriously impressive that you were able to maintain dual employment to keep yourself out of the hole for so long. I did it for two years, and I think it removed a solid 10 years from my lifespan. It's also incredibly commendable that you went through all of that effort just to ensure that your children would have a better life. You seem to be a great person, and I hope that life treats you and your family well. It's sad to see such compassionate people on a forum like this while bad people get to live their days without remorse. I've noticed that a LOT of the individuals in this community seem to be intelligent and have levels of empathy that surpass the people I encounter in my day to day life. Though I suppose being hyperaware of the world would contribute to one gravitating towards this forum haha.


I'm going to add a little update for the day in this post as I don't want to double post since most forums have rules against that.

Day wasn't too bad, though I was indeed correct in assuming that my old friend would not be coming to hang out yesterday. Family worked things out and the kid won't be going to the trip tomorrow so I'm back in. I was going to charge my camera batteries so I could do some wildlife photography out there, but I've pretty much lost all motivation for photography as I have a backlog of wedding photos I still need to work on. (1.7k photos for free for a family member. I was lied to to get me to do the gig, and then they proceeded to not pay me while making me do triple the work+200$ out of pocket costs for me for SD card and an extra battery.) I don't have headphones so I can't doom listen to music on the trip, so I suppose I'll just suffer haha. My current plan for the "future" is to CTB once I get back to my lowest weight I got to, 84 (that was only in april/may lol.. I was forced to gain to avoid being sanctioned in an eating disorder unit.) I was somewhat attractive when I was that low, and I'd like to die pretty as I was hideous until 23-24 . If I die pretty, at least I can pretend in my mind that I'll be so forever. So far I'm at 116.5? from 136 within about 2 weeks so I'll take it.

Bright side for today, the Pokemon illustration is turning out somewhat cute so far.
View attachment 147115
I'll post some of the WIP's in my rants as I don't particularly care if it were to be connected to me. Clefable has been carrying my ass hard in Unite so I decided I had to draw her clutchin' up in her outfit i got a while back LOL. Drawing this on my phone with S pen because my pc still ain't working despite multiple attempts at replacing parts. Working on this has been great as I lose track of time, so I end up not needing to eat much if at all in a day. Great for getting back to my lowest weight, while at the same time preserving the minimal food I've got left. I might post some of my cooking abominations in this thread along with my rants as I REALLY try to fancy up severely expired products (and frankly they turn out pretty alright haha.) Next post I'll have to post my expired canned chicken i turned into star tendies and covered in panko and spices to attempt to salvage (was delicious).

Hope anyone who see's this has had a good start to their week so far.

Oh MY!! You are VERY talented! (Double major: BusAdmin/Art) I tend to focus more on textile arts. The bigger mess I can make the more my brain enjoys the process, for some reason! Chaos is good!

I'd love it if you started a thread and showed us your art -- and your cooking!

 

[RoadToGehenna]

How are you doing now? I also struggle with the feeling of a "lost potential" and the last relationship that I had was also one-sided in the sense that, although she loved me, she didn't value my time or effort at all and we broke it when I had to move out for work. I have few things going on for me now... I'd feel really good if I could draw like that! Really cool. I was always awful drawing the easiest things lol

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

Sorry I'll respond to replies once I'm in a slightly better headspace. My ex randomly messaged me at midnight to tell me that he's been seeing a new girl for a year. He never brought me out on a date, he never brought me around his family, he never showed me off to his friends, ANYTHING for four years, yet somehow is capable for someone else so shortly after? LMAOOOOO I want to fucking hang myself so badly holy shit. He got with these girl mere MONTHS after breaking up. Yet continued talking to me the entire time and then pulls this shit. I genuinely just do not want to exist anymore haha. Why am I NEVER worthy for anyone???? not for my family, friends, partners, NOBODY. Why do I have to put in all the effort just to receive none back MY ENTIRE LIFE?

The only bright side I've got is I've got a fresh bottle of klonopin. Might record a mini manifesto then start working on fasting and shit so I can maybe CTB this weekend haha. I'm thankfully got absolutely nothing left going for me in life at this point. It is what it is! But hey, at least I won't be missed. As that's my biggest fear. I'll truly be gone from everybody's lives as was wanted and intended. Too bad I'm absolutely out of all of my vices and am in the negatives in my chequing. Can't even plan my suicide with a ciggy or two. The incredibly short term plan is to prostitute myself a few times to buy my vices and what I need, and then I'd be pretty much good to go in style. Maybe I can hotbox my added exit bag haha. (we mixing a few diff methods for this. Gotta ensure I don't pussy out at ANY point as I live way too close to a hospital and becoming a vegetable isn't part of my future plans.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

I think my CTB date will my late aug/early sept. I'm supposed to receive a payout from the gov that might amount to 70k around the fall/winter, but I frankly don't really have much to stick around for regardless. Even if I have money to temporarily be out of poverty haha. I've got nothing, and nobody. So I don't really think I need to wait for that payment date tbh (as I won't even be able to afford to stay in my apartment + cover utilities for the time leading up to it lol.)

My phone and internet services get cut off on the 15th due to lack of payment (due to them trying to take the money out every other day, resulting in over 300$ of overdraft fees. Yay! we love having a -80$ bank acc.) so I might choose sept 15th as I shouldn't get kicked out within 2 weeks of none payment, plus the stress of my landlord threatening to evict me might just help be the final push.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

I've started getting rid of my excess belongings and deep cleaning my apartment. My mindset is since my family doesn't like me, I might as well make the whole packing and getting rid of stuff easier for them. My grandma cut complete contact with me recently so I also need to make sure I remove the rings she got me before I CTB so she can get them resized for the other grandkid. My ex is going to pick up the skates he had gotten me, as well as an old portrait I had drawn some time this week. The hopes are that I'll be able to have my entire place ready and decluttered before the end of this week, I spent most of the day working on a singular shelf haha.

At least it's a WHOLE lot easier to pack now, and I've left some empty boxes aside that should fit the rest of my belongings. I haven't quite decided on a date yet, but I'm getting pretty close to just impulsively doing it one of these days haha. I keep thinking about whether or not to leave a note or video recordings for the people who knew me, but I'm starting to realize that it would be for nobody, as I don't have anybody in my life who'd care about my passing. I just wish that Medical Assistance in Dying had become available when it was supposed to so I could leave while still having my body be useful for science or transplants. It feels like a massive waste to die and end up being useless, but c'est la vie I suppose!

The bright side to everything is that at least my ex's text to me a few weeks back helped me lose a ton of weight. So I will be able to die skinny thankfully! I think I've only eaten 3 times? since the message haah. So who knows, maybe I'll be able to eating disorder myself to death before I even need to do it myself! I've had some chest pain recently, so one can hope that my heart will just give up during my sleep haha.

Hope everyone else has been having an okay time though! :) Sorry for the massive blocks of texts @ unsuspecting readers, haha.

 

[BirdWithoutWings]

Well a bit in my life has changed since the last post. I became eligible for a settlement that could get me out of debt and poverty, as well as allow me to return to school and get my job back. Minor issue is I've got to wait on it now, and I'm unsure as to how long it'll take.

I also started talking to someone that I'm interested in, but the only issue is that things are 1000% not going to work out as he's got his shit together, and me, not so much. So now I'm feeling pretty bad about having wasted his time. I didn't really think he'd be interested in me in any way but somehow he was. Frankly, just too bad that I couldn't have had my shit together when we started talking haha. I'll have to find some sort of way to make him hate me so that once I CTB he doesn't feel bad because I'd feel horrific dragging someone into my life just to traumatize them. He's an incredibly sweet guy so I hope he'll be able to find somebody who has a lot more going for 'em! The bright side is at least we got that out of the way relatively quickly so he didn't have too much of his time wasted.

I'll probably wait to see when this settlement comes in. After that, I can either attempt to fix my life like I had so delusionally attempted to do a few years back. OR I could just spend it on some weed, alcohol, and SN, then donate the rest to a couple causes. I think I'll make my CTB deadline by June. If by my birthday I haven't been able to get back into school, or anything, then I think I'll be good to finally call it quits.

Another bright side is I've got most of my apartment cleaned and packed now. I spent the last two weeks handwashing all of my clothes, and I'm nearly done with them. Maintaining the cleanliness for the next 9 months should be relatively easy.
With the recent things happening in my life, I thought I'd feel a lot happier, but I just feel numb and dumb now, haha.

Anyways, I hope you're all having a good week. :)