Discussion Limerence vs. Love

[Forever Sleep]

For those poor souls who suffer from it or, suspect that they do, what made you realise that what you were experiencing was limerence rather than love?

I want to start by saying, I'm no longer in the throws of a crazy crush. If you had put to me during the crush that it might be limerence though- I would have felt insulted. Because, I believed I was in love. Well- not in love- they didn't reciprocate it! But, that I genuinely loved them.

So, maybe we should address that first. Is limerence a form of love do you suppose? I think the problem with limerence is surely- a lot of actual relationships start out that way. Someone has an intense crush on someone else. They can't seem to stop thinking about them and picturing themselves with them. So- when does it become limerence? When it isn't reciprocated but doesn't go away?

A few things that made me think all of my crushes were in fact limerence were:

- None of them were reciprocated but despite that, they went on for years.

- My idea of them in some ways didn't fit the actual person. Asides from the glaringly obvious difference that they didn't love me back in real life, there were other things too. Sometimes, they would do things that were out right cruel. That's not to say we don't all have faults but, some of the things should have been enough to make me think- I wouldn't even want this person as a friend! And yet, it would only put me off them for a day or two. Day 3, I'd be back to infatuating. I'd even tell myself that I must be in love because, I loved their faults too.

- I used to get obsessed about obsessing. Like- I didn't know the term 'limerence' at the time but, it felt terribly and intensely out of control. Part of me also wondered whether that meant it was love. Surely, love was supposed to be that intense?

- I also used to feel so much shame about it and guilt sometimes too. Not that I ever acted on it but I felt so embarassed that they might realise how I felt and be disgusted/ creeped out by it.

What are your thoughts though? Are there people who think they've experienced limerence and love? Were there distinct differences between them?

 

[cosmic-realism]

Yess,Forever Sleep.I am currently in that boat.Everyday seems like torture.I think we tend to see these people as challenges to our own self worth.

We try to make them accept us.Whenever I get a call or text from my person of limerence,I can practically feel the dopamine thrumming in my veins and I prioritize their call over everything else.My entire day goes by waiting for a text or call.

I figured out that this on and off is what keeps us going.The what-ifs and maybes will always keep us on our toes.I even drew him.I share food with him and jump into help him and ask if he is okay.

I think love is being secure that this person loves you and you can go days without talking without worry.Limerence is a maddening pursuit of a treasure on a dangerous sea,is something I learnt this month.We know this person can't ever be ours.

I don't know how did you do this for years Forever Sleep.I'm so sorry.

 

[carac]

hmmmm this is all very interesting reading and all very relatable. I have never had a girlfriend but I have had several long standing crushes (many years in some cases) that were unreciprocated. I have always really told myself that I was in love, it felt like love to me and I never really felt that you couldn't love someone who didn't love you back.

But in honesty it all seems that they were limerance. I think I often create a version of a person and I fall in love with that person and I am unable to move past it. And I obsess about this person all the time.

So in truth I have probably only ever experienced limerance and not love but I like to tell myself it is/was love because it all feels so real to me.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I had to be informed on what limerence is and it happened just this year plus it turns out that it's exclusively what I've been experiencing over love for as long as I can remember.

At this point I should probably just die because my penchant for limerence has caused so much pain and suffering in the people I've felt it for. Even the video that told me what limerence is explained that limerence actually hurts the limerence object far worse than the pain for the person experiencing the limerence. Considering how awful the yearning I felt has been, I can only surmise that I deserve to be brutally tortured and punished for my crimes.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I had to be informed on what limerence is and it happened just this year plus it turns out that it's exclusively what I've been experiencing over love for as long as I can remember.

At this point I should probably just die because my penchant for limerence has caused so much pain and suffering in the people I've felt it for. Even the video that told me what limerence is explained that limerence actually hurts the limerence object far worse than the pain for the person experiencing the limerence. Considering how awful the yearning I felt has been, I can only surmise that I deserve to be brutally tortured and punished for my crimes.

I think it depends on how you behave towards your limerent crush. I'd hope that none of mine fully realised how I felt. I was far too embarassed that they'd be repulsed by the idea. I also tried super hard not to go all stalker on them. I imagine it can be uncomfortable if they do realise but again, it maybe depends on just how bad they think we've got it. If they think it's just a silly crush, they may be able to ignore it largely.

I used to feel so much shame over feeling like this. Mainly because I tended to go for people way out of my league. But really- it's not exactly our fault we're like this- I feel anyway. Limerence can develop because our emotional needs weren't meant in childhood for instance. So, I don't think you should feel guilty for the feelings as such. I guess we just have to be mindful that we don't negatively affect the person we are limerent towards.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I think it depends on how you behave towards your limerent crush. I'd hope that none of mine fully realised how I felt. I was far too embarassed that they'd be repulsed by the idea. I also tried super hard not to go all stalker on them. I imagine it can be uncomfortable if they do realise but again, it maybe depends on just how bad they think we've got it. If they think it's just a silly crush, they may be able to ignore it largely.

I used to feel so much shame over feeling like this. Mainly because I tended to go for people way out of my league. But really- it's not exactly our fault we're like this- I feel anyway. Limerence can develop because our emotional needs weren't meant in childhood for instance. So, I don't think you should feel guilty for the feelings as such. I guess we just have to be mindful that we don't negatively affect the person we are limerent towards.

You're fine. I think the dynamic changes a little when it's a man feeling limerent over a woman versus the other way around. Most males probably don't mind when a woman has a crush on them even if they don't reciprocate in fact it usually just boosts their ego if anything. Women on the other hand, from what I've read and from what the video about limerence told me, have a far more intelligent approach towards it. If they're nice at least, they end up feeling incredibly bad about potentially hurting the guy's feelings or worse, they might also fear for their own safety since males tend to be psychotic simpletons that overreact when they can't take rejection well, me included. I know this is only looking through a heteronormative lens and that not everybody falls into these gender roles but it's sadly the experience for the vast majority of the typical straight woman when a straight male is limerent towards them…