Venting Limerence

[nattys5thtoenail]

Does anyone else experience this mental cycle?

- Debilitating depression and suicidal thoughts
- Brain develops obsessive "crush" for protection (usually someone you have 0 chance with being with)
- Life is worth living again and you imagine being with them forever and ever
- Reality sets in small bits and you start feeling jealous and overthinking
- Obsession continues and stays dormant for a few months
- Cycle repeats but with a new person
I literally hate this dude, I've been dealing with this since I was 11 years old and I know it's my brains weird way of protecting me from going insane but fuck I just hate the disappointment of falling in love obsessively and it not working out. It's why I haven't been posting in the "suicide" tab because I literally just had the false illusion that I didn't want to die anymore simply bc I developed a crush on someone I totally shouldn't be with. Darn…

 

[brickedup]

i dont fall in love with them i just imagine them being close to me and getting me out of this suicidal cycle. someone to live for and who needs me ig

 

[derpyderpins]

I had a lot of issues with limerence up to meeting my wife, and based on how much I talk about her I've probably just transferred the obsession to her in a much healthier way.

When you're depressed, you want to imagine a solution that could fix it all at once. Limerence is very tough because it gives you impossible "hope," so it kills your focus on practical things. You think that if only you had that relationship everything would be good, but you pick a relationship that's clearly out of reach/destined to fail. This means that (1) you'll never actually move forward as long as the obsession is there, (2) the hope will always be there, it just becomes more impractical the more unavailable they get, (3) since nothing but that idea could possibly make you happy, you don't even try working towards anything else. It's brutal. Sorry you're struggling with it. I think identifying why your brain is doing that to you is helpful.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Limerence has been my default state since I was at least 11 years old as well. I am now 30 and have had up to 4 (5?) limerence targets. It sucks because I only just learned what limerence even is a few months ago and knowing I've wasted two-thirds of my life on it sucks even harder.

I'm still trying to get out of my current limerence situation but it usually takes me at least a few years to do so which I just don't feel like doing. What's the point of moving on if there's nowhere to go? I'd rather CTB than have to suffer a few more years.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Yes, except mine go on for years. I've been better at controlling myself since I worked out that all of my crushes were limerence but, I must have wasted 13, 14 years on them. Stupid really. They've given me the greatest highs and, the deepest lows.

 

[vitbar]

I try to catch myself early, but yes sadly I experience this.

 

[We Are Angels]

Limerence is the symptom of being an outcast, possibly. Forming fake relationships in your head to cope with the fact that hardly anyone cares about you. I fell in love with a girl at 19 or 20 once because she was arguably the first person to ever ask me to hang out in my entire life.

 

[peony]

I just learned about this, never heard of this phenomnon before but it sound familiar to me

how is limerence bad? in my exprience it was only bad when I got obsessed like this with a person I actually got closer with and they lead me on and used my infatuation, obv that ended in disaster. if I just daydream abt people I can't get with anyway (like idk the friend of a friend who visited us and is in a cool band but lives too far away) it's just a great motivator for self improvement and the crush usually fades away naturally after a few months without any heartbreak on my part.
I though this was normal as it's natural to want to impress potential partners? if it makes me better in the proces why should I be mad?

 

[CTB Dream]

This all nat lang nonsns prolif ppl come say ppl do mntl illne sbhmn trth evn prsn coin trm say ppl do norm human bhv,

trth human speces liv diff way bfr agri scty bfr mdrn scty, ppl do intmt hav sx bld tog cnct this mch human exp , this now human diff compt resrc see 8bil no hav any ,

ppl need stop blm slf need stop glt trp slf this all prolif tctc make ppl src wrng, ya imgn wrld btr imgn ppl cnct ease imgn ppl hav intmt hav lov etc ease, imgn ppl care each think this hpn?

human species scum thrw 1 prsn ofc prsn feel rct , human liv lmt time psbl lovy human no get any this simil say prsn go die, prolif nonsns tell ppl ok ok hpn wat hpn prsn lose life hpn prsn age incrs,

prsn blm slf think scty ok this wrng scty scum specee scum ,this ppl sffr vctm vctm scty vctm lif vctm many thing this trama etc many ppl autisti hav spcl intrst prsn this autisti brain,

ppl scty no talk each how need no talk wat sffr mntl ppl no hlp, ppl no tell need intmt ,this any prsn botl botl expld,

this all platiud me see ppl say platiud movon nonsns, me think want bfr injury damage no mtr wat ppl say, scum speces injury damage me now no do any, this brain diff no wrd dscrb,

 

[iloveyouihateyou]

this has been happening like seemingly every year since i was 16, and even just recently i went through this cycle again, obsessing over reconnecting with some old friends and then wanting to know everything about them immediately in hopes that they reciprocate and i can feel loved. i never had a chance but i still tried for that connection, out of what purpose i don't know, for me it feels like it stems from a desperation to be cared about or heard. it's such a weird feeling and more often than not i just end up hurting myself with these delusions. and even after acknowledging it, i know it's probably gonna happen again and again until i'm in the soil. i really feel like i fit the bill for a hopeless romantic..

 

[We Are Angels]

how is limerence bad? in my exprience it was only bad when I got obsessed like this with a person I actually got closer with and they lead me on and used my infatuation, obv that ended in disaster.

No offense, but if you have to ask this question, you likely haven't been through it. Infatuation and crushes are normal to an extent, but limerence it that turned up a 100 fold, to the point of practically becoming a mental disorder. You will be obsessed with the person to the point of thinking about them every few minutes, both day and night, for months or years on end. If you aren't able to see them often, then you are in constant misery, and each time you interact with them, even in the slightest manner is like a hit from a drug. Losing my life savings was less traumatic than when the person I became limerent for ghosted me (and I honestly don't think I was ever toxic or creepy to them, just socially awkward).

it's just a great motivator for self improvement and the crush usually fades away naturally after a few months without any heartbreak on my part.
I though this was normal as it's natural to want to impress potential partners? if it makes me better in the proces why should I be mad?

People suffering from limerence lack the ability to attract the type of people they are attracted to, otherwise, we would not become so desperate. No amount of self improvement will make out limerent objects change their minds in this situation. People who constantly ignore you, ditch you, or use you aren't going to magically change one day and start loving you, only in the books and movies, unfortunately.

 

[coolgal82]

i am kinda like this with my current friends? except its purely platonic and like it just went from "theyre kinda cool" to like becoming closer with them due to an incident (cus id never get close to anyone without an outside force really and like every time i start getting closer or do anything to that i just go "uhhh cringe", usually after i just massively overshare with someone cus idfk? idk lmao.) and since that incident its like "they are my entire life they are my everything i would die if they hated me i want nothing more than to be with them 24/7 and not being with them hurts" (except when they like upset me then its "theyre the fucking worst they never cared about me fuck them i hope they die theyre the fucking worst") and idfk. i hate it lmao.

its never been this bad with other friends cus i've never actually gotten that close with them i dont think but now i like have more closeness and like idfk it hurts. the highs are high ofc, when im talking to them everything feels perfect and i love it and nothing else matters but when im not im alot more bored, and if i have to go a day without it or it gets interrupted or i know theyre talking without me or like anything really i usually have a bad reaction lmao. im currently having one rn cus they watched a film without me despite me like saying to them we should watch more with just the 3 of us so my brain interprets that as them betraying me and hating me and never caring about them so fuck them. a few days ago it was cus one of them was chatting too much with this one person who ive decided is trying to replace me (i hate her so much) then ignored 2 of my messages that one was bad lmao. this one isnt as bad cus ive had some substances but yknow

tldr it just sucks even if it isnt like exactly the same thing

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

I had a lot of issues with limerence up to meeting my wife, and based on how much I talk about her I've probably just transferred the obsession to her in a much healthier way.

When you're depressed, you want to imagine a solution that could fix it all at once. Limerence is very tough because it gives you impossible "hope," so it kills your focus on practical things. You think that if only you had that relationship everything would be good, but you pick a relationship that's clearly out of reach/destined to fail. This means that (1) you'll never actually move forward as long as the obsession is there, (2) the hope will always be there, it just becomes more impractical the more unavailable they get, (3) since nothing but that idea could possibly make you happy, you don't even try working towards anything else. It's brutal. Sorry you're struggling with it. I think identifying why your brain is doing that to you is helpful.

I know why but it feels to good to stop, ADHD + never-ending depression + parental issues is just the perfect mentally stable combo!

 

[nattys5thtoenail]

Limerence is the symptom of being an outcast, possibly. Forming fake relationships in your head to cope with the fact that hardly anyone cares about you. I fell in love with a girl at 19 or 20 once because she was arguably the first person to ever ask me to hang out in my entire life.

Ouch, you touched a nerve.

 

[peony]

No offense, but if you have to ask this question, you likely haven't been through it. Infatuation and crushes are normal to an extent, but limerence it that turned up a 100 fold, to the point of practically becoming a mental disorder. You will be obsessed with the person to the point of thinking about them every few minutes, both day and night, for months or years on end. If you aren't able to see them often, then you are in constant misery, and each time you interact with them, even in the slightest manner is like a hit from a drug. Losing my life savings was less traumatic than when the person I became limerent for ghosted me (and I honestly don't think I was ever toxic or creepy to them, just socially awkward).

People suffering from limerence lack the ability to attract the type of people they are attracted to, otherwise, we would not become so desperate. No amount of self improvement will make out limerent objects change their minds in this situation. People who constantly ignore you, ditch you, or use you aren't going to magically change one day and start loving you, only in the books and movies, unfortunately.

I am familiar with these obsessive thought patterns, I just avoid the person I'm fixated on bc I am aware this is unhealthy and will lead to nothing (only time this didn't work was bc the person approached me and encouraged my fixation, it's been years and I have not recovered)? I still use that obsessive energy as a motivator, but I have not experienced it in years since that incident where it got used against me.