Discussion Lingering suicidal thoughts, while deep down knowing you probably will not do it.

[AmIForReal]

I am in my fifties (51M) and have had suicidal thoughts for over 30 years. That's what they are: thoughts. When I analyze these thoughts:

• Partly, at times, I really don't want to be here (though at this moment I am feeling ok)
• Partly, because I don't see me able to change my behavior (coping mechanisms; mild anxiety etc) or I'll be 60 when I get out of therapy.
• Partly, self-pity
• Partly, it is an option that I take into account when making life decisions. ('Well, if that doesn't work out I can always ….'). Or not choosing a path (life/death) and staying stuck in limbo.
• Partly, I want to hurt the people that let me down.

I feel I have to move towards banning those thoughts forever. It is not an option; self-pity is not good; as is wanting to hurt people.

Objectively I am not too bad of in life. So, I feel these thoughts are not genuine compared to what others here might be going through (and so maybe this site is not the place for me?). But still, they are there.

In the title I mentioned that I probably would not do it. I really don't know. I came across this site and other resources like 5 years ago. I read through the methods and each time I get scared. If it were easy, I probably would have done it and that would be ok also.

I was just wondering of anyone could relate? Like deep down knowing you probably will never do it, but still using it in your thought processes.

(I am new, so I can't search. Please point me to a thread if it exists).
I did find the resources sticky threads. I am looking into them right now. But a bit overwhelming.

 

[Lostandlooking]

Welcome to the site, even though you said you've been browsing for some time.

I can't relate completely but wanted to comment anyway to get things started.

Mainly I think suicidality comes in many shapes and forms. Just thinking about it without taking action definitely counts. I think it testifies to the fact that there's pain in your life. And that's genuine and valid, no matter how big or small the pain is compared to other people's pain. We're all different.

Thinking about it and knowing at the same time you won't be able to follow through is a common situation I think. It's difficult to commit suicide. Every inch of our being is programmed against actually doing it. Maybe it's the survival instinct that's often referenced on this forum.

Myself, I've been trying to slowly work towards actually doing it for many years. Planning everything, I've got everything ready. Though I never even attempted. It seems even when life circumstances became totally unacceptable to me, I still wasn't able to do it. So I can relate somewhat, I really don't know if I'd actually be able to do it. But I'd like to think I could. (If something in my life becomes unacceptable again)

 

[AmIForReal]

Thank you for your kind reply.
I don't really know what to do next.